First time posting and just looking to find out the general consensus please.
Question: AIBU to hide my savings from my partner?
Back story: Got married far too young and it was a disaster. Ex husband was horribly abusive and had a gambling addiction. He racked up thousands of pounds worth of debt in my name without my knowledge. I only discovered the full extent when he moved out and I started getting the letters that he had previously been intercepting. I was working full time in a good career whilst supporting him because he couldn’t hold a job longer than a few months. I filed for a divorce before my son was 6 months old and we settled that I would take on 100% of the debt providing he didn’t try to gain access to my son. Him being the absolute prize he is, accepted this without question.
I then spent around 5 years trying to get myself back on my feet. It was very very difficult financially. I was still working full time for a good rate of pay but the debts, childcare fees, normal bills etc were absolutely crippling and at times I’d genuinely be counting change to put a few pounds of petrol in the car to get to work. I got myself out of my dire financial state and swore I’d never be in that position again.
Current Situation: Been with my partner now for 10 years, not married but long term engaged, moved in together 6 years ago. I have my 14 year old from my first marriage and we have 5 year old twins together.
My partner is a wonderful man. He’s kind, caring, considerate, trustworthy, hard working and just an all round a wonderful guy. I trust him with my life and have genuinely never known anyone like him. We share everything apart from one thing, my savings.
We both work (him full time, me part time) but my salary for part time is roughly the same as his for full time. We don’t have joint accounts so each month he sends me a set amount (around 60% of his salary). The agreement is that I’ll deal with all the finances, pay all the bills, food shopping, days out, clothes, holidays, presents etc and then all he pays from his account is his petrol and 3 mobile phone bills (His, mine, 14yo).
I understand this set up maybe doesn’t work for everyone but it works well for us because I’m far more organised than him. We have family savings that cover holidays, Christmas etc but my question is related to my personal savings. I have around £15k dotted around in both savings accounts and hidden cash. I’ve always considered it my “run away fund” because it’s money I could use to pay a deposit on a rental and kit it out with basic furniture if I ever had to leave with my children in a hurry. It started as a few hundred pounds and over the years it’s grown and I’m at the point I’m starting to feel a bit guilty.
We are in no way wealthy, but I’d say we were comfortable. Partner is aware we have some savings, with set monthly amounts going to each little pot. I’m just struggling with the idea that I might technically be lying to him by not telling him that I have a secret £15k stashed away. Part of me feels like I need to tell him because we don’t have any secrets, I have absolutely no intention of leaving him and even if I did i would never have to flee in fear (the whole point of my runaway fund in the beginning). The worry with telling him is that he might feel like I’ve been lying and he can’t trust me. The other part feels like I need to keep it a secret to maintain my control and independence. Having grown up with my parents in a toxic relationship I always wondered what would’ve been different had my mum not been reliant on my dads income. I’m also very aware that situations can change in a heartbeat, for better or worse.
What do I do????
AIBU - Yes - He should know about the additional savings because they’re his savings too.
AIBU - No - It’s your money and he has no reason to know anything