To Hide Savings From DH

[AlwaysNonStop]

First time posting and just looking to find out the general consensus please.

Question: AIBU to hide my savings from my partner?

Back story: Got married far too young and it was a disaster. Ex husband was horribly abusive and had a gambling addiction. He racked up thousands of pounds worth of debt in my name without my knowledge. I only discovered the full extent when he moved out and I started getting the letters that he had previously been intercepting. I was working full time in a good career whilst supporting him because he couldn’t hold a job longer than a few months. I filed for a divorce before my son was 6 months old and we settled that I would take on 100% of the debt providing he didn’t try to gain access to my son. Him being the absolute prize he is, accepted this without question.

I then spent around 5 years trying to get myself back on my feet. It was very very difficult financially. I was still working full time for a good rate of pay but the debts, childcare fees, normal bills etc were absolutely crippling and at times I’d genuinely be counting change to put a few pounds of petrol in the car to get to work. I got myself out of my dire financial state and swore I’d never be in that position again.

Current Situation: Been with my partner now for 10 years, not married but long term engaged, moved in together 6 years ago. I have my 14 year old from my first marriage and we have 5 year old twins together.

My partner is a wonderful man. He’s kind, caring, considerate, trustworthy, hard working and just an all round a wonderful guy. I trust him with my life and have genuinely never known anyone like him. We share everything apart from one thing, my savings.

We both work (him full time, me part time) but my salary for part time is roughly the same as his for full time. We don’t have joint accounts so each month he sends me a set amount (around 60% of his salary). The agreement is that I’ll deal with all the finances, pay all the bills, food shopping, days out, clothes, holidays, presents etc and then all he pays from his account is his petrol and 3 mobile phone bills (His, mine, 14yo).

I understand this set up maybe doesn’t work for everyone but it works well for us because I’m far more organised than him. We have family savings that cover holidays, Christmas etc but my question is related to my personal savings. I have around £15k dotted around in both savings accounts and hidden cash. I’ve always considered it my “run away fund” because it’s money I could use to pay a deposit on a rental and kit it out with basic furniture if I ever had to leave with my children in a hurry. It started as a few hundred pounds and over the years it’s grown and I’m at the point I’m starting to feel a bit guilty.

We are in no way wealthy, but I’d say we were comfortable. Partner is aware we have some savings, with set monthly amounts going to each little pot. I’m just struggling with the idea that I might technically be lying to him by not telling him that I have a secret £15k stashed away. Part of me feels like I need to tell him because we don’t have any secrets, I have absolutely no intention of leaving him and even if I did i would never have to flee in fear (the whole point of my runaway fund in the beginning). The worry with telling him is that he might feel like I’ve been lying and he can’t trust me. The other part feels like I need to keep it a secret to maintain my control and independence. Having grown up with my parents in a toxic relationship I always wondered what would’ve been different had my mum not been reliant on my dads income. I’m also very aware that situations can change in a heartbeat, for better or worse.

What do I do????

AIBU - Yes - He should know about the additional savings because they’re his savings too.

AIBU - No - It’s your money and he has no reason to know anything

Your partner is setting himself up for a rude shock if you ever split up

The difference is that is your husband. All savings are joint by law. She is not married to her partner so all the Money saved belongs to her😢

He's subsidising your kid and you have secret savings... 🤔

Also, why aren't you married if you've been engaged so long?

I think whether you are unreasonable or not depends on a few factors. How would you feel if he had “secret” savings? And do you think he would be upset to find out about yours? If you would be upset/annoyed/feel betrayed if he had saving he kept secret from you, then I think you are unreasonable to keep it from him. If you really think he would be upset to find you felt you needed a secret savings fund, but chose to keep it from him, then I do think you are unreasonable to keep it a secret (I understand how you got here, but it may be time to reconsider keeping the savings secret).

If he is genuinely a good man and partner, then I think he will probably be ok with it, if he understands why it happened. But I think it possible that he might feel hurt that you felt you needed a running away fund (I think i might be in his position, even if I understood the context). It needn’t be a relationship ending thing, but it might sting a bit. Though, generally I think there are issues you need to address- either you as an individual or you both as a couple- if you feel the need to keep significant secrets or lie to him.

Ultimately, it is your money, so yours to do with as you wish (assuming you are not , in which case the legal standing is a bit more complicated than that, I think).

I had to flee an abusive marriage with absolutely nothing but our clothes. I swore I'd never leave myself that vulnerable ever again.

When I met my now dh I was very honest with the fact I needed to feel financially secure and that I'd built up an escape fund. He was very understanding and it was never an issue. I felt it was important to be honest about it as honesty in our relationship was and is very important to us both.

25 years later and I still have my nest egg. It's not just my escape fund now, it's helped our daughter when she needed help. It's there for any emergency but only I have access to it. My dh also has his pot of savings too just for him. Then family savings.

I think you just have to be honest about it and hopefully your partner will understand x

Literally this.
If someone posted on here that they’d found out their DP had a secret savings account with 15k in it, people would be up in arms about it telling you to LTB.

If the man was taking control of the money and the money was being paid into his current account which the woman couldn't access and then he covered bills and then divided up the remainder of the money in the current account to joint savings and personal savings accounts, neither of which the woman could access, and as a result he had accumulated £15k in a pot which she didn't know about, would be interesting to see what the responses would be.

Also as a stepfather he is being expected to help finance his stepchild with no financial input from the dad. That always isn't seen as a given if a woman has a stepchild.

All of this. The more you post, the more unfair it sounds. I hope he has some friends who can talk to him about the position he's in.

It also depends on where that money came from- if you’ve taken it from the joint account/instead of putting into the family savings or are putting in less than him proportionally to living expenses or family savings in order to do this, then it is unreasonable for you to have it, never mind keep it from him.

So, if he thinks that 60% of his income he puts into the family pot is his share of household/family expenses and believes that it is being spent on that but you are syphoning money from that/paying in less (proportionally) than him and so able to keep building your savings up based on contributing less than your fair share, then you have been quite underhand. If this is from the 40% of your income that you both keep separately, then it’s up to you to decide to spend or save- so the issue is only around whether it is secret or not. Those savings are not a secret if you manage your “non-household” incomes separately and have no idea what each other do with you money. It’s only secret if you both expect full transparency- you are being unfair if you are asking him for complete transparency whilst keeping yours hidden. If not, and you wouldn’t be upset by him doing something similar, then I think it’s a moot point.

I wouldn't tell. Keep adding to it, for a rainy day.

These things are rarely black and white, but so long as

a) he knows the finances are separate so he has the opportunity to the the same,

b) you're not building up your money at his expense by shirking your share of the financial responsibilities and

c) there's no big impending expense for you as a couple that he's losing sleep over unnecessarily,

then I don't see an issue with what you've described.

It's a thing on MN where people say you should have run away money. I personally wouldn't lie to my DH and would hope he wouldn't lie to me about £15k too
It's a thing in real life as well. I remember my nan telling me to make sure I had one when I was a teenager and she was giving me life advice. I'm 59 now!!

Read the OP again.

Why is he working full time for half the money?

if you want to work part time and take the pay cut then you should both be 50:50 as you both earn the same.

if you both have the same disposable income and ability to save fine, but if you are accessing more than your share then no.

if you want savings why don’t you increase your hours and put the extra away?

How do you define which actual crisp note comes from which person into her personal savings?

Eg:
He pays £1000 a month
OP saves £500 a month

OP couldn't have saved £500 even if none of that £1000 went immediately to her savings. She wouldn't have been able to afford to save it.

Yeah but in those days women didn't get equal pay and there was little in the way of a welfare system
In real life many people are struggling with bills ,most people. Can't just stash thousands away just in case.

But OP’s partner is happy with this set up because it gets him out of taking responsibility of sorting the bills and things. And she’s not taking all of his money. He has 40% of his earnings to do with whatever he wants.

If she was was not allowing him access or controlling absolutely everything then you might have a point.

Would he be as happy knowing there was £15k stashed? Hes happy but he's uninformed.

I don’t know the answer to that, but I suggested in a previous post that OP should tell him.

You are not being unreasonable . Every woman needs a fund should she ever wish to escape/disappear and £15000 sounds about right to me.

If there was no 'back story' would you be doing the same thing?

If yes then YANBU.

If no then YABU - you're looking back through the time telescope which is not fair on your partner.

In cloud cuckoo mumsnet land I'm sure it does not every women can afford to stash thousands of pounds away though.🙄

If he's good enough to be a stepfather to your child and treat him the same as the children you have together then he's good enough to know what savings you have.

You read so many posts on here about deadbeat dads and this guy sounds quite decent, would you want to ruin your relationship by keeping your finances from him and how would you feel if this was reversed? If you wouldn't mind him having £15k squirrelled away for a rainy day fund then fine but I suspect he wouldn't get much support on here if he was doing the same.

I’d probably tell him there are savings- but not the extent. Say you are both putting in equally to household expenses- he has 40% to spend as he wishes and then so do you.

he spends his 40%, but you because of your history get more enjoyment from the security of having money in the bank- so you choose to do that with your share. You both have your own money- and have both done something with it that makes you happy. I don’t see that there is a problem with that.

If you both contribute equally to household bills and living expenses then you're both free to do whatever you want with what you want with what you have left. Saving money is not hiding money and it's sensible to do so in case you lose your job, need to pay for something urgently or need it for uni for your kids in future. Hopefully your dp is also saving some of his money too. You can't open a joint ISA anyway.