Paying to attend a baby shower???

[Sunshinemarie]

A work colleague/friend has invited me to their baby shower which is £20 to attend! Is this normal nowadays? Just seems a lot when the expectation for baby showers is to take a gift aswell.

Ok well this is probably the issue then as a lot of what people have and call ‘a baby shower’ are not actually a baby shower based on a lot of people’s understanding of what one is/the traditional meaning.
As such it is impacting your views in terms of what is acceptable in terms of paying etc.

Jesus, I wasn’t being pompous thanks, I was trying to explain why some people might find it tacky. Get over yourself.

That's disgusting! I'm not paying for the privilege of showering somebody with gifts

but were these usually at someone's homes? Because the odd one or two small showers I've been to at a friend or family member of the mother to be, I've not paid for, like you say the hosts have covered food/drink.

But the US has the advantage of generally bigger houses - most of mine/my friends houses wouldn't fit more than 6-8 attendees at an absolute push. Often people want to invite a lot of friends so there is literally no alternative other than going to a venue and then I don't see how it's fair for a friend to be expected to pay for 10, 20, 30 peoples food and drinks?

Although I know in the US it's usually quite normal for bridesmaids etc to pay for their own dress, hair, make up, shoes etc. whereas that really isn't considered okay over here, so perhaps you are more okay with spending ££££ on hosting parties for friends?

does the same apply for things like birthdays/retirement/etc?
I can't imagine thinking I want to go for a meal for my birthday but that unless I can afford to pay for all my friends, I should "cut my cloth" and not go? Nobody in my circle would ever be able to afford to eat out or meet friends ever if the expectation is the invitee covers everyone!

The problem is for a lot of people is that if they had a baby shower but only invited the 4-6 people who could fit in their house people would be offended they weren't invited. So they invite everyone, this has to be at a venue because they can't fit 20 people in their house, and the venue charges for food drink.
But everyone has the option to come or not. I don't see how that's grabby at all, because they a) guests can always say no b) don't have to bring a present.

I also don't get the outage at the present aspect - if it's someone I'm close enough to attend a baby shower for I'd be getting them something when the baby is born anyway. So giving it to them at the baby shower just gives them a bit more time to get organised and work out what they have/need. I've never heard of anyone giving two presents.

A lot of you don't seem to like your friends, if you consider them inviting you to spend time with them and celebrate a major occasion in their life as 'grabby' or entitled.

I think it's whatever the expectations are within a friendship group and it's fine to do either. I go out with friends for birthdays and we all pay our own way. It's an annual thing and everyone has birthdays.

A party though? I really wouldn't do it if I was going to have to charge my friends to attend.

But the mother-to-be isn’t supposed to host her own baby shower, so it isn’t about her seeking gifts and attention. It’s about her friends and family getting together to celebrate that she’s having a baby and giving her gifts, because babies need a lot of things and it can get expensive. It’s meant to be generous and celebratory.

Americans have etiquette rules about not throwing showers for yourself or your close relatives. If people in the UK are using baby showers to get more gifts and attention for themselves, that’s not on us.

”Common” isn’t an insult in the US because we’re all common. We don’t have royalty or an aristocracy, and most people weren’t rich when they came to America. Tacky is about taste, common is about class, and conflating the two is seen as extremely snobbish behavior over here.

Unless it's an afternoon tea booked in advance they are having a laugh- if they are putting on a Buffett then they can pay, unless they expect you to invoice them for their gift

Quite right too, we are envious of your equality trust me.

That said, of course the MTB simply dumps the job on a close girlfriend, and sits back and lets the gifts and cake roll in no? It is not exactly subtle! If it is too expensive to have a baby and buy the baby things, then maybe it is best to rethink having one?! You can't expect other people to bank roll your baby!

But a baby shower is often no more a party than a meal in a restaurant for a birthday is as it often is a meal/afternooon tea in a restaurant

I'd be busy that day.

Not for us!!

You’re the one who started this business with “oh my, clutch the pearls, I don’t want any tacky American custom invading my country.” I have no feud with UK people on the whole, which is why I hang out on Mumsnet, but you don’t get to go unchallenged when you act like an innocuous, voluntary American custom is infecting the UK.

The MTB shouldn’t be able to “dump the job on a close girlfriend.” The MTB isn’t supposed to be behind any of the organizing, or suggesting the idea, or anything but a grateful recipient of people’s voluntary generosity.

And the 30th, 40th, 50th and 60th birthday weekends away. I'm so sick of it too. I've a big birthday coming up soon and I wouldn't dream of asking people to cough up for a weekend away. Even though I attended all theirs. I refuse all invitations now.

Um, so the MTB just widens her eyes in surprise as somehow her ‘generous’ friends organised her a baby shower complete with her baby gift list? And everyone has to pretend she didn’t know she was going to be a grateful recipient?! Sounds fake and phoney to me. No doubt she was instrumental in the planning ( remembering Meghans beyond lavish shower in New York where she hired a hotel and flew in by private jet) but MTB just pretends she isn’t feeding anyone else her wishes. This makes it even worse. Everyone is pretending. So fake.

My family hosted and paid for my baby shower. I didn't request one, it was their idea.

Friends brought presents. I had a wishlist but made sure to have a lot of small things under a £10 on it as I didn't want to be grabby. Interestingly, the big, more expensive items were bought first. I was very touched.

For me, it was more about having the opportunity to see all my friends before I pop and disappear forever.

Personally, I prefer a baby shower to a hen do anyday. Many people don't do christenings anymore and so it's just a chance to celebrate the new arrival.

I've been to several. I've never had to pay and also there was very clear instructions that presents were not expected. It's more a knees up ahead of the birth and a nice get together. No disposable decorations to pay for or cringy AF games
What we did do though is ask everyone to 'bring a plate'. Very normal here in NZ where guests expect to contribute to the hosting. Easily managed by asking people to let the host know what they will bring to avoid a trillion packets of crisps and tubs of homous. We got gorgeous homemade sausage rolls, pies, dips and home grown fruit tarts. Each was lovingly made with the expectee in mind.

Everyone needed to bring a bottle too. Probably more.

A PP said baby showers are supposed alcohol free. Not my experience!! They are boozy as hell. It's a celebration!

It seems as if there is a lot of variety! Pay to go, don't pay, take a gift, don't take one, afternoon tea, boozy party, silly games, no games.
I find it strange that you'd go to a baby shower and it would be gift free, but maybe I've only come across the recent UK ones. As I said upthread, there was nothing no such thing when I had my children.

Also the last one I went to... not a stealth boast but fuck it. I have an olive grove in my garden so I brought homemade tapenade and a homemade olive oil focaccia. Total cost $2.

Expectee said she had enough stuff already so no gifts please

I did spend over $100 on several bottles of decent champagne though...

That sounds like my kind of shower!!! Champagne on tap under ancient olive groves - yes could definitely see myself making the exception for the NZ version 😂

Also, no shelling out for a present!

Oh, for God’s sake. 🙄

Host tells MTB she would like to throw a baby shower for her. They figure out a date that works. MTB comes up with a registry list so guests know what she doesn’t have yet for the baby. (Buying a present not on the registry is also okay.) Because, again, the people accepting the invitation presumably like the MTB and are happy she’s pregnant and want to celebrate by giving her gifts of things she’ll need for the baby.

MTB does not tell anyone she wants a baby shower, or pressure anyone into throwing one for her. MTB should not have a registry list prior to learning that someone is throwing her a shower, and should not share the list with people who are not on the guest list.

I think it depends where it is - I would view it like someone's birthday as an adult if it's in a venue you would pay for drinks and maybe food.
I had a baby shower 10 years ago that was organised by a friend , held in my house and my mum did the catering on a Sunday!
I didn't request it either or expect gifts.

Wait what??? No, I assume they are a fun and relaxed thing at home where you do silly games and eat cake.

Does anyone actually enjoy baby showers? I know that most people say they don’t behind people’s backs. They are god awful in my opinion - nothing worse than forced fun and I tried to avoid at all costs.

However, the ones I have been invited to (and declined politely) for afternoon tea etc (yawn) have been a price per head