To have another child when my kids are 10 and 8?

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DH and I would love to have another child. We always wanted 3 children (if we were able to) but the opportunity hasn’t been there to have the 3rd until now. We have 2 DC who are 10 and 8 and we are both 35. I suppose I’m scared that now we’ve left it too long to have another so wanted some honest opinions. Thanks.

Reading your post just reminded me - my grandfather had three children when he was widowed and remarried to have two more. My mum, the youngest, was 21 years younger than the eldest. She went on to have a closer relationship with her eldest half-brothers (one was 21 years older than she was and had a DC a few weeks before my mum was born) than she had with her full sibling brother, who was 4 years older. as well as her half-sister, who was 10 years older!

Op, mumsnet warned me not to go for a third child and I'm delighted I didn't listen! My kids adore the baby and we still have a good life!

Don’t think it is fair on your current DC. Also read the many how much does university cost threads and that might put you off 3 DC! Although at least you wouldn’t have all 3 there at the same time

Or it could be one of the most wonderful, beautiful things to happen to the children - and they might enjoy having a new sibling to love.

Honestly, I would count my blessings and avoid rolling the dice. What happens if you have twins or a baby with additional needs?

I think sometimes larger age gaps can be beneficial because you don’t have multiple young children with competing needs. If you and your DH don’t mind going back to the baby stage then go for it.

Have very similar age gap between myself and two of my siblings, I'm the older one. Absolutely no resentment, the opposite in fact. Still very close 50 years later.

I have 2 kids, 10 and 14 and I'm 24 weeks pregnant with my third. I'm 41 and this was the right time for us. My kids are so excited love being involved in everything. I don't feel any part of it is unreasonable, it's what works for us all as a family!

My daughter was born when my sons were 8 and 10. It was a completely different experience. The boys were such a help and it was so lovely. Im so glad we have her 💓

Really, it’s not being unreasonable but I personally wouldn’t because:

-My DS is still a shit sleeper at 3 years old. I wouldn’t want to inflict that on my 2 older kids, especially as they go into secondary school.

-The 3rd child will likely be at home while the older 2 will have moved out. I was personally quite lonely at home without my brother after my parents split and we lived with a parent each.

-Babies and toddlers are hard work and I don’t feel i’d be able to give the older ones the attention they deserve.

Others may not see this as a problem though.

Your 35 and you already have a child of 8 and 10. Your children are gone beyond the hard stage and are getting more independent. Your 10 year old will be in secondary school soon and you have another child following 2 years after this.
I think it unfair to have another baby when your children are at their ages. It means that as the eldest goes to secondary school you could have a new born who will be a toddler or small child when they are doing gcse and a levels.

I know a couple who decided to have another child around your age and their child was about 11. Within 2 years they noticed things about the baby and the child was diagnosed as autistic. Their older child had to cope with exams and the younger child kicking off, having meltdowns when they were trying to study. The family could not go on days out or holidays due to this child

I have four teenagers, do yourself a favour and stop at two

Having a baby after a gap is less risky now in some respects. There are advanced medical checks that give more certainty that the child will be born healthy.
A well child will have less impact on the lives of your older children and they all should grow up to be happy, independent and friends.

This was what happened in our case. Everyone adores the baby and nobody could imagine life without her.

Having a child so they can be "there for" older siblings later in life is not a reason to bring life into this world. What does "there for" even mean? Unpaid carer? That is not their burden!

That's not your age gap though. I have siblings 20 years older than me and we're really close!! That's because of your family, not the gap

I did it! My eldest DD was 9 and a half and my younger DD 7 and a half when I had DC3. He's now almost 8 months and they are 10 and 8.

Returning to babyhood is a bit of a shock to the system, but I love the newborn/baby/toddler stage and actually find the current 9-10 age the most challenging.

My older two just adore their baby brother and all they want to do is help out, cuddle him, hold him and change nappies. The way he absolutely lights up in smiles when they walk in a room makes my heart soar.

We do have very close knit supportive family so the older DC get plenty of attention, go to their grandparents and aunties for sleepovers, outings etc. We have done lots of movie nights and walks with them and also make sure we carve out time with each child individually. It's hard work but worth it IMO. I can't imagine life without him now!

This is not always the case though. My partner is close to his brothers where there is a 11 and 9 year age gap (older than him) There’s 2 years between me and my sibling and we barely speak.

Ten years between my niece and her sister. The oldest was like a second mum to her new sibling and they are still close now one is an adult and one a teen.

It’s down to family dynamics and circumstances. For some it works out very well. Others it can really have an impact on the older siblings.

you don’t have multiple young children with competing needs.

No you have multiple children across different ages with competing needs instead, and needs that are prioritised differently meaning older ones will inevitably get overlooked.

I've never known babies get so much "adoration" as they do on threads like this...fascinating, almost like people are trying to convince themselves as much as us that the older ones benefit and that it wasn't a purely selfish decision.

Not sure it’s so great that older children get to help out with the baby or get shipped off to other relatives so they get some attention

It's the school aspect that puts me off. Dropping off, picking up, dishes, parents evening, dress up, HSA 😬😬

Nobody can tell you what to do - everyone situation is so specific and you don’t have a crystal ball to see what the outcome would be.

your age isn’t an issue, 35 seemed to be pretty average to start having kids around my friend group.

if it was me it would be a hard no but that’s because I didn’t want 3, certainly didn’t want a 3rd after having my two, loved that easy 4-11yo stage, now very glad I don’t have a toddler to deal with along with all the complications that preteen and teen life have brought. I don’t think it would have been fair on my older two.

a very close friend did this and it has changed the dynamic hugely, to be honest even though her little one is lovely it’s not easy and often when we all hang out (her older two are the same age as my two) the toddler gets palmed off on grandparents as it’s just not fun for the teenagers to have to acquiesce to the little one’s schedule. They don’t want to have to play with him all the time, we’d just started being able to do more adventurous holidays with long hikes and late nights in restaurants altogether and now it’s all dictated by the younger child obviously needing more rest etc

but I do appreciate that it’s hard to say no to a gut a instinct, I would just not put any expectations on your other two to help in any way because that’s really not fair on them, and I guess they’ll want to be involved if there’s no pressure to, and I would have some solid childcare so you can still prioritise the older two on the odd day out or holiday

My parents had this age gap.

I have two younger brothers. One two years younger and one 10 years younger.

I can't speak from a parental point of view but, for us siblings, it was great! All three of us are still really close - especially me and my youngest brother. I remember loving having a baby in the house as a 10/11 year old!

Good luck whatever you decide

A colleague is currently having issues with a wayward teenager. She also has 3 younger children, one a baby. Her and DH are very hands on with the younger ones, colleague can’t understand it as she says teenager has had plenty of attention from granny. Not sure that is who she wants attention from.

I want to to add that a lot of mumsnetters view the baby stage as a very Bad Time that is to be endured before getting to the good bit. However, some people love the baby stage, find it joyful and the thought of going back to it would be a treat. For some people, the thought of bringing more people into the world to love, to bring up well and potentially make a difference in the world is a wonderful privilege. Everyone has their own biases but I would never be swayed by other mumsnetters' views, while totally valid in their own lives, are irrelevant to yours.