Found comparison of grief hard

[25smallstacey]

Mumsnet can be good at tough love/realistic expectations so I'm here for that. I've had a weird few weeks of fog so I need some directness.

My Nana and my friends brother were in the same hospital at the same time. We were able to help each other, meet for coffee and relate to one another. They passed away within one week of one another.

My Mum was a single Mum, my Nana took me each weekend, we spoke most days and she was 81. Im so grateful to have her until my 30s. My friends brother had a long illness over fifteen years. It's been dreadful for them and we've watched as friends through many years of heartbreak for them.

I rang my friend as soon as I heard the news. Sent a hamper of food. Called as often as she wished for me to call. I tried my best.

This is where I might be unreasonable.....
When Nana died my friend said it's not the same. Nana had a good life, was a good age and friends brothers death was 'tragic'. I never once tried to compare but I tried to relate via passing on funeral planning knowledge, what was helping me with sleeping, practical tips etc. I didn't expect my friend to call, send anything or help as she had her own grief but I found the dismissal of my bereavement hard. I hid it and am continuing support.

I am really sorry about your Nana OP. Your friend is the unreasonable one - that was an awful thing they said to you. I’d consider taking a step back and taking care of yourself, you and your grief are more important. Take care OP.

I'm sorry for your loss. Comparisons don't help, for sure.

It's hard to lose an elderly relative, but the utter devastation of someone dying before their time, the life unlived, the future lost... It's horrific. I lost someone close to me in our 20s and I felt the same about people grieving older relatives in truth. 15 years on I still do to some extent although I appreciate that's not how life works. Losing my dad at 70 didn't compare tbh, you expect to lose your parents, he'd lived a good life. I miss him of course, I grieve him, but it's not the same.

She should have held her tongue, but it's a very understandable way to feel I think.

I think when it comes to grief, you should both cut each other some slack.

It's hard for everyone but it's such an individual thing

What led to her saying 'it's not the same'? She is right it.isnt. Both are dreadfully sad, but like you say, you were lucky to have her into your 30s.
You expect a sibling to grow old with you, not have their life end in their 30s.
Condolences to you both. I doubt it was meant to hurt you.

To be honest I snapped a quite a few people when my children died.

Anything that sounded like a comparison, or solidarity just pissed me off.

It was totally about me, and not them.

I'm so sorry about your lovely Nana, it's absolutely fine for you to take a step back and deal with your own grief too 💐

Grief and emotional pain hurt. It doesn’t help comparing. I’m sorry you are hurting 💐

I’d have been insulted if a friends grandma died and they felt the grief was as large and as black and as awful as loosing my only brother when he was 16 (I was 14). And as for support for sibling grief - it was non existent.

I wasn't speaking about Nana beforehand. It was that she said its so tragic to lose her brother in his 40s, not like what I have been through.

I'm trying my very best to navigate her grief and help so that's why I asked on here. She hasn't asked after our family and that is fine but I feel like saying please dont compare/diminish as I am still processing. I want to be able to help her too

I have told friends to not come to funeral. Told them she was in her 80s, the world keeps spinning and i'll see everyone afterwards for a cup of tea/catch up. I know this is not huge but it hit a sore spot

It was a horrible thing to say to you. The circumstances may be different but her grief and pain doesn't diminish your loss and pain regardless of who it is for. Its confusing the deaths of the 2 people with the grief of the 2 left behind and I'm sorry for your loss

Personally, I find your friend's attitude uncaring and insensitive.

(Whereas you sound kind, caring and supportive.)

It can be a hard and long lesson to learn that it's not our place to put a value on someone else's belongings, experiences or feelings. Your friend needs to learn this, by the sounds of it.

The problem with asking her not to compare is that the death of someone in their 80s doesn't compare to the death of someone in their 40s. One is normal, the other isn't.

Perhaps you can't help each other right now and need a bit of distance.

Sorry I sort of agree with her. The death of an elderly person I also wouldn't consider tragic. Sad , yes but not a tragedy just a normal part of the inevitability of life . But a young person, dying of an illness long before a normal age is a tragic event. That being said there was no need for her to say that. But please be kind to each other , grief and loss can make people do and say things out of character. I am sorry for your loss sounds like you lost a lovely person in your life .

Death outside of the natural order is inherently traumatic. It is a traumatic grief. I vote for giving her space too. And those that say the friend is uncaring/unreasonable I don’t think have experienced traumatic grief.

This is my first time dealing with grief and I have known this would happen eventually (obviously!) but I know it's possible I'm overly sensitive at the moment and I can't even imagine what my friend is going through

Really sorry about your Nan OP.

We (my family) have had our fair share of grief over the past few years, some old, some young, some expected and some sudden. What people say is true - it does funny things to people and makes us act in strange ways and makes some of us selfish sometimes (and blind to others’ grief).

Perhaps your helpful suggestions were wearing on your friend who has probably been grieving for her brother long before he died. Perhaps she just snapped that day, at you, someone she cares about . she shouldn’t have said it, even if she thought it. But she clearly wasn’t in her usual state of mind. Give her grace and space.

all that said, it doesn’t take away from what she said hurting you. If she’s a good friend then be the bigger person and try to move past it. Condolences to you and your family x

She's not wrong that her brother's death involves tragedy that an elderly grandparents death doesn't. But that isn't what makes grief hard or the loved person missed. The feeling of loss and greif is entirely subjective and cannot be measured based on whether the death was at the 'right' sort of time. I suspect the more complicated circumstances surrounding the loss of her brother has left her struggling and I would try not to take it to heart. It was an insensitive comment though, you're not wrong to be left feeling upset by it.

I have. And it's still insensitive. It was an entirely unnecessary thing to say to the op, unprompted especially. The op seems to be trying to bend over backwards to be supportive and a good friend while also grieving. They weren't having a who has it worse competition, they could have said nothing

Op, I'd step back a bit from her and support at a distance and concentrate on processing your own grief x

Well my Grandad died in his 80s - he was a lovely man, caring and thoughtful and funny. A really joy. I was devastated.

My husband died in his 40s and he was an abusive prick.

No prizes for guessing whose death I consider more tragic.

Surely, the main point here isn't about the tragedy of the situation/age of the person that has died.

It's about the FEELINGS of the people left behind.

Your nan has been a close and integral part of your whole life and, of course, you would be justifiably devastated by the loss of such an important person.

All death is tragic. We're all human beings with our own thoughts and memories and narrative. Old age is cruel. Fading away and dying is cruel. It kind of makes a mockery of everything before. Everything you aimed for, everything you loved, everything you worried about, the whole purpose of you. All pointless, dwindling to nothing.

I think that's really unusual OP, it's a privilege to get to your 30s without loss but it must make the first time harder. By the time I was in my 30s I'd lost all grandparents, a great aunt who was effectively a grandparent, my best friend and a couple of other more distant friends.

She's hurting, you're hurting. Give each other space and be generous, things will settle down.

Yes, I'm incredibly lucky. It's both of our first times dealing with immediate family grief in our 30s. I have lost great aunts/uncles/friends parents but this is the first time with someone close

I think she was very wrong to say this to you. Yes, in a way it’s true. Your Nana had a long life and you shared a lot of happy memories together. However you could say that her brother had long illness over fifteen years and how good that he wasn’t suffering anymore and her family was free of caring responsibilities. I bet you didn’t tell her this because it would be very cruel even if it might be true especially in terms of family’s caring responsibilities.
I agree with PPs that you should cut her some slack as she is grieving but maybe step down a bit from supporting her and focus on yourself. I don’t know if it’s worth mentioning this to her later but I wouldn’t do it now.

Im sorry for your loss. Your relationship with your Nana sounds amazing, you are so lucky that she was in your life .

Give her time but equally, don’t prostrate yourself at the alter of her grief. Maybe you need some space from her too, you need space for your own grief.

Sorry for your loss @25smallstacey 💐