Found comparison of grief hard

[25smallstacey]

Mumsnet can be good at tough love/realistic expectations so I'm here for that. I've had a weird few weeks of fog so I need some directness.

My Nana and my friends brother were in the same hospital at the same time. We were able to help each other, meet for coffee and relate to one another. They passed away within one week of one another.

My Mum was a single Mum, my Nana took me each weekend, we spoke most days and she was 81. Im so grateful to have her until my 30s. My friends brother had a long illness over fifteen years. It's been dreadful for them and we've watched as friends through many years of heartbreak for them.

I rang my friend as soon as I heard the news. Sent a hamper of food. Called as often as she wished for me to call. I tried my best.

This is where I might be unreasonable.....
When Nana died my friend said it's not the same. Nana had a good life, was a good age and friends brothers death was 'tragic'. I never once tried to compare but I tried to relate via passing on funeral planning knowledge, what was helping me with sleeping, practical tips etc. I didn't expect my friend to call, send anything or help as she had her own grief but I found the dismissal of my bereavement hard. I hid it and am continuing support.

Honestly? This is too harsh. You're grieving and so if your friend. You need to be kind to each other. She was insensitive but I would have let that go. To effectively ban her from the funeral is over the top.

I didn't ban anyone from funeral, sorry I wrote that badly. I meant I told friends not to take time off work/travel etc as I didn't EXPECT anyone to come

Ignore me! I misread your post and thought you said 'friend' not 'friends'. Apologies - my comment doesn't stand anymore.

My friend knew Nana, just as I knew her brother. I won't ever be bringing this up with my friend about what she said, nor will I be punishing but today I felt a little burnt out so I took more me time. I just needed some clarity to know if it was normal that it hit a nerve

I'm sorry for your loss OP. It sounds like she was a lovely person and you were so fortunate to have her.
I expect your friend feels your Nan's death was in the natural order of things, which it was, given her age.
Her young brother's death however was not. That was a tragedy- a young man's life lost and it sounds as if he was doomed from the beginning.
Concentrate on your grief and continue being there for each other in the future .

I’m sorry for your loss.

Grief is hard for everyone and it isn’t fair to compare.

Your friends brothers death might be more tragic because he didn’t live to a good age, but his death is not more sad for you and your family than your Nana’s passing.

Some deaths are tragic, all deaths are sad.

There is no correct way to grieve and how to feel about your loss so i your friend is being unreasonable

although she may not be thinking clearly.

I lost my Gran aged 100 and my Dad aged 67 within 6 weeks of each other, my Gran was ready, my Dad wasn’t so it felt more acceptable for her.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

She has just lost her brother. I would cut her some slack. She has lost her brother in her 30s! Unimaginable. Some times people don't always say the best thing especially at times of trauma.

Yeah, don't worry I won't be mentioning my feelings to her and over time I'm sure I will forget. Just hit a sensitive nerve. I would love her to ask after my family/me/send an acknowledgment but I know that is selfish (I'm writing that online because I didn't want to say it out-loud!)

If I was mourning my brother, who had just died in his 40s, I’d be fucking broken and probably wouldn’t really have the emotional capacity to deal with someone else’s grief on top of my own. I think if you wanted to talk about the death of your grandmother, you probably should have chosen to talk about it to someone who isn’t at the worst possible stage of grieving for a member of their immediate family.

I’m sorry you lost your grandmother and of course to you, it’s a devastating loss. But she didn’t die prematurely and she wasn’t a member of your own generation in the family and you can’t expect your friend to see the two situations as being the same. They aren’t the same. That doesn’t mean you’re any less sad about your loss than your friend is about hers, but I think your friend is right that the death of someone in their 80s is in the natural order of things, while the death of someone in their 40s feels like a cruel twist of fate.

Thank you @KreedKafer. I didn't speak about my grief to her but perhaps she was cutting me off before I did, as she was worried I'd compare. That would be absolutely fair enough of her

I'm sorry but she is right, it is not the same. My aunt lost her son, my cousin. It was sudden in his early thirties. I've never experienced grief like it. I've lost my grandmothers and other family members.

When someone very young dies, when a mother has lost her child the situation is not the same. You'll feel very different. You may not have been comparing the deaths, but she will automatically be thinking this. I know I did.

Now, I personally wouldn't have said this out loud to someone but whenever people talk about deaths of grandparents or parents I find it very upsetting and frustrating. They are supposed to die before you. My aunt lost her husband a couple of years after her son and her father also died when she was a little girl. I bet you know which one is more tragic.

When you were giving tips on how to deal with death she must've thought how can you be feeling as bad as me. She probably didn't think you'd ever understand how she's truly feeling.

Comparison grief is hard. You say your friend's brother had an illness for over 15 years. To me the death may have been expected. Whereas, my cousin was so sudden and unexpected. And so I would be comparing that. I don't think you can win. It's best not to say anything to your friend.

As PP has said, you cannot win. Little things probably feel big to you (I'm not saying this is little but it may be misplaced anguish). You may get more annoyed with her as time goes on so just step aside for now and pay attention to other supportive people. Sorry for your loss

But YANBU about how she should not have said it but she probably meant no harm

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can relate. I lost my twin sons in November one stillborn and the other died 4 days later in NICU. I was so stricken with grief that when people tried to make comparisons I felt compelled to explain that my chiidren died, my beautiful babies. Taken from me so un naturally and cruelly.

I think your friend hurt you because she's feeling the loss of her brother who should grow old alongside her, and its hard to make sense of his death but that doesn't take away from your lovely granny and how much you miss her. I hope you can forgive her, it's grief talking here. You sound like a lovely friend.

I know people who have had more significant losses than a cousin, who are more gracious and kind when faced with someone who has had a loss significant to them, than you.

Ah op I'm so sorry for your loss. You've both had an incredibly difficult time and let's be honest, there is no one right way to grieve and sometimes it can get a little ugly without people even meaning for it to.

I think your friend is being a bit tactless absolutely, but she's in her own pain and I think if anything, that this is really a sign that right now you can't be the support you want to be for her and you maybe need to take a step back and focus on yourself and your own healing for right now. I think it might be the best way to protect your friendship actually. You could tell her that you love her very dearly and you want to be there but you are just finding it too hard with your own loss at the moment to talk about things with her and you hope she understands that it's not a reflection on your friendship, just that you're both going through something heartbreaking at the same time and it's too much. You're allowed to prioritise your own needs here op and if she's not helpful to your journey with grief then it's perfectly OK to step back. It doesn't need to be forever, just until you've both had space to process a bit more.

It sounds like you've both really been going through it together so the instinct to reach out to her at this painful moment makes complete sense and I think it's lovely that you have. I think she has shown that she can't appropriately accept the support you're trying to give or to match it at least right now. I hope you can forgive her, she's speaking from real pain and she's not handling things as graciously as you are. It's not right, but its where she's at and it's no reflection at all on the love and relationship you've had with your nana.

I am so sorry for your loss OP.

Grief is a weird emotion, comes and goes and affects everyone differently. There are no comparisons to be made - it is just a tough and difficult time.

Sorry for your loss. It sounds like neither of you are in the best place to support each other and need to give each other a bit of space. Grief can be isolating and difficult and not everyone gets it right. Try not to dwell too much now on what she’s said whilst she’s also grieving.

In theory, your friend was probably right, BUT, you can't rationalise one persons grief against another's. I lost my Nana in 2011, she was in her 80's, and I still think about her everyday, occasionally have a cry. She was like a mother to me (and I have a mum), and I'll never stop missing her. It took me a long time to accept she was gone. I still dream about her. So, while I understand where your friend was coming from, it was insensitive of her to voice it.

I'm sorry for your loss, be kind to yourself

I'm so sorry for your loss @25smallstacey .

People come out with the weirdest stuff at times of bereavement. You've behaved in an exemplary manner to your friend and have been handed back an utterly pointless and hurtful comparison. Unfortunately, as I've found, the bereaved, in this case you, are so often called on to be more forbearing, the bigger person at a time when their feelings are so raw.

At the same time, stepping back a bit on the support might give you time and emotional space to look after yourself.

Many

Having lost my only sibling tragically at a young age I agree.

It's a whole other level of pain OP. One that I hope you never experience. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

I've lost grandparents and parents. Nothing comes close to the pain of my sibling. It's not the way of things and the grief is relentless.

I'm sorry for your loss but I understand where your friend is coming from.

@25smallstacey there is no hierarchy of loss! Everyone experiences their own grief in their own way. Yes there are deaths that are more tragic than others. I never knew three out of my four grandparents because they had all died before I was born, my paternal granny from breast cancer in her 50s.

I was devastated when my maternal granny died aged 81 totally unexpectedly. I was 31. She was like a second mother as she had lived with us all my life. My dad also died suddenly at 81, days after my mum was diagnosed with cancer. She died an untimely death at just 62.

My parents had a baby son who died when he was 9 days old. I was just 7, so it didn't hit me like it might have had I been older. I never saw him.

Just don't compare your losses. There are deaths that are truly tragic and deaths that are really just sad. Take care, and mourn in the way you want to x

I’m sorry for your loss OP. Grief is a very difficult emotion to navigate, especially when it is your first time experiencing it. I don’t think it was particularly kind or considerate of your friend to make that comment but I also completely understand her perspective. The loss of a young person is unlike any other type of grief you can imagine, unfortunately I say this through experience. She was perhaps acting preemptively and wrongly assumed you would compare - this is probably due to her emotions. Grief sucks.

I'm so sorry for your losses 💐