Found comparison of grief hard

[25smallstacey]

Mumsnet can be good at tough love/realistic expectations so I'm here for that. I've had a weird few weeks of fog so I need some directness.

My Nana and my friends brother were in the same hospital at the same time. We were able to help each other, meet for coffee and relate to one another. They passed away within one week of one another.

My Mum was a single Mum, my Nana took me each weekend, we spoke most days and she was 81. Im so grateful to have her until my 30s. My friends brother had a long illness over fifteen years. It's been dreadful for them and we've watched as friends through many years of heartbreak for them.

I rang my friend as soon as I heard the news. Sent a hamper of food. Called as often as she wished for me to call. I tried my best.

This is where I might be unreasonable.....
When Nana died my friend said it's not the same. Nana had a good life, was a good age and friends brothers death was 'tragic'. I never once tried to compare but I tried to relate via passing on funeral planning knowledge, what was helping me with sleeping, practical tips etc. I didn't expect my friend to call, send anything or help as she had her own grief but I found the dismissal of my bereavement hard. I hid it and am continuing support.

I agree with your friend - she put it insensitively but she is correct. That does not in any way diminish the grief you feel though, I’m sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry to hear that 💐

You would tell your friend whose brother just died young after years of illness that “it’s not a competition”? Really? To what end, exactly?

My partner lost a sibling unexpectedly when they were both in their twenties. He's lost a grandparent recently after a fairly long period of decline and he has said himself it is incomparable in terms of immediate processing.

Nobody's grief is the same and she may be being unreasonable to have verbalised it, I think everyone gets a pass go in that situation and you've been great in that you've carried on supporting and have processed your upset away from her.

Your grief is huge, her upset and comparison doesn't diminish that.

I don’t agree that there is no ‘hierarchy’ of grief.

When my mother died in her eighties, she had lived a full and complete life, and left so much behind in spirit that she will never truly leave me.

My fit healthy husband died less than a year later, from cancer, when my children were teenagers. We are still putting our lives back together, and our family will never be properly whole again. Some well meaning adults did try to compare my children’s loss to their loss of a parent in adulthood, and it felt like staring across a gulf of incomprehension.

In turn, I know that there are worse kinds of loss than ours. Sometimes there is no putting a life back together.

However what you can’t do is look at another person’s life and assume that you understand its shape and the place of everyone in it.

That's fair enough. What I was trying to say is although I would used to think that my losses hurt more, now I'm older in my 30s I've realised that's an issue with me and that grief isn't something that can be compared. I probably didn't word it very well.

I'm sorry about the loss of your nana OP.

I thought about this comparison a lot after my mum died suddenly. She was 75 (not particularly old) but her death was so unexpected that it felt like a tornado had blown through our lives. Utterly overwhelming but at the same time, she had lived 7 decades, had seen her children and grandchildren and lived a great life. That doesn't diminish how we felt about losing her but it makes it a different experience to my friend who lost her dad when she was 10 and he was 40. He missed all the major milestones in her life and his death fractured her development in a very painful life-long way.

At the same time, comparisons help no one at all. You're both grieving and you should be allowed to go through that and feel what you feel. But because the impact of her loss is going to be much, much different, it's best for you to not speak to her about this (as much as your journeys might see similar at the moment).

Just keep supporting your friend from afar as best as you can. And at the same time don't be sad or ashamed to mourn the loss of your nana who was very special to you.

You have both lost someone dear to you both. You both deserve to process your grief. I'd step back from the friends to deal with your own grief. Yes it is seen as more tragic when a younger person dies, before their natural time. As they didn't achieve their natural mile stones, e.g. getting a house, being married, having children etc. But age doesn't take away from their beloved role in family life. Focus on yourself right now and stop doing things for other people. It's fine that your friend isn't helping you, because she's grieving too. I'm sorry for your loss ❤️

You are both grieving, neither of you is at your best or can be expected to be completely reasonable or rational. Let this go.

Griefs aren't comparable. I can say from experience that when someone dies after a long life at least one can have some comfort in the knowldege they had a good innings. I think losing a sibling while you are both still young can bring up a lot of very difficult stuff because younger people aren't supposed to die. Siblings are supposed to grow old together. It was unfortunate your friend brought this up, but it's an indication of how devastated she's feeling.

One of the ways the people who are grieving deal with the pain is to get angry and lash out at those around them. It's easier than dealing with the loss and sadness. So cut your friend some slack and let this go.

There's a lot of people on here generalising from their own personal experience as though it was universal. Grief is personal and totally individual, and not the same for everyone experiencing it, nor everyone they experience it about. Also, people's relationships with relatives differ, so it's impossible to say that X-relationship is above/below Y-relationship. If you are really really close to someone and they die, it doesn't make a whole lot of difference what age they were - they are gone and you miss them. Anyone comparing grief really needs to take a step back and realise we all experience the world differently. OP - I am so sorry for your loss, and that your friend was so insensitive.

With grief comes a lot of anger, it is hard not to compare. My DH died at 55, around the same time a friends grandpa died at 95 and the endless weeping and wailing about how it wasn't fair and he could have got better did enrage me.
My DC lost their dad; they would have loved to have him another 40 years, some people are insensitive but you do need to weigh up everyone's grief and how their life is impacted by the loss.

IME their age makes a huge difference tbh.

My dad was my dad, I love him, I miss him. But he married, had children, saw us grow up, walked us down the aisle, cuddled his grandchildren, enjoyed a retirement with my mum. He wasn't that old, just shy of 70, they could have had longer together, but he lived a life.

My best friend didn't do any of that. So many of life's experiences that she never got to have because cancer came for her in her early 20s.

Losing someone at an older age can of course be devastating when it's someone we love, but I do think it's disingenuous and borderline insulting to say it's the same as losing someone we love at a young age.

I’m sorry for your loss.🌷

Nobody has a monopoly on grief.

Gosh. That would have been end of friendship for me, for sure. I'm so sorry.

You didn't compare them, she did. You sound like you are both grieving but that it is different. She is in a lot of pain but should not have lashed out that her pain is worse than yours.

I have lost a sister young and tragically and I have lost older family members who I loved dearly. The incomprehension is not comparable. But the initial loss/ grieving/ missing that person is there regardless. I also found that after an illness was 'easier' to move on from compared to sudden death. And that a lot of comfort can be taken from knowing a person had a good life. It can be really hard to swallow with a younger person

You have missed my point. I am saying it is not the same for different people. I'm sorry for your losses. You have no idea who I have lost though, so please hold back on the "disingenuous" and "insulting"

You said the age of the person lost doesn't matter - I said that in my experience it does, hugely. That's all.

I find the minimisation of grief for older people on this thread very difficult to read. I lost my mother in her seventies when I was in my thirties. The circumstances were horrific and I actually ended up receiving treatment for PTSD. I wasn’t able to share this with anyone around me, as I was getting the whole “she had a long and happy life” and “just remember the good times” treatment. Irrespective of the person’s age, they are gone, never to be seen again and that can be utterly devastating. Not to mention the impact of the circumstances of the death. Everyone who experiences a loss has a right to their feelings and each person is an individual who brings their own prior experiences to the grief process and experiences the death and its surrounding circumstances in their own way. I’m just glad that my own experience has meant that I will always have compassion for other people’s grief, for whomever it may be.

Of course, when someone dies young, it adds a very different dimension to the grief, which is important to recognise. We can validate the unfairness, tragedy and everything else that that loss is without voicing what we feel another person’s loss isn’t. There has been an unimaginable loss of a young person in my own family. I would never compare it to my own loss, but I still have the right to my grief and all the feelings that come with it.

OP, I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely nana. It sounds like she was a huge figure in your life, so her loss is very important. I can totally understand why your friend’s comment was upsetting to you. I would also find that hurtful. At this point, she’s very deep in her grief and likely to be feeling angry, extremely sensitive and may be lashing out, which may help you to find some grace for her if it’s an isolated incident. At the same time, your own bereavement and feelings are no less valid, so don’t be afraid to make space for your own grief and even take a bit of a step back for the sake of your own well-being if that’s what you need. You can also always contact the Cruse Bereavement charity if you feel you’re struggling with your loss and wanted to speak someone who will offer you compassionate and non-judgemental support. I’ve found them very helpful. All the very best x

I am sorry for your loss. Grief is very strange and I do think anger and wanting to shout stop the world can be normal.

When some people are in pain I have seen them cause emotional hurt, I think it's the want to rage so they want a confrontation to release their anger.

I lost my mother a few weeks ago. There are four siblings all dealing with it differently. I can see some small flashes in one sibling. I know it's pain so I am not engaging.

Your loss is impacted so much because your wonderful Nana intertwined so much of your life. Hers because her brothers won't. Mind yourself

Objectively we know that the death of a younger person is more tragic than it coming at the end of a long life, but the fact she is experiencing terrible grief doesn't lessen yours. She's not going to be in a position to see that and you are going through your first experience of loss, so it is understandable that you're hurt.

I would gently advise backing off a bit for now, it sounds like you have made a huge effort to support her but she has others around who are mourning her brother too and you need to take care of yourself and your own feelings.

Sorry for your loss 😞

I've had well-meaning people compare the loss of my dad when I was young to the loss of a grandparent.

I didn't say anything but I felt really annoyed. That said, they hadn't just lost their grandparent.

Personally, it would be this part that would upset me:

what was helping me with sleeping, practical tips etc.

I wouldn't want tips because, although it's not a competition, I would not have found the two situations comparable. I wanted anyone who hadn't lost a parent who gave me a 'tip' or unsolicited advice, or tried to relate, to F off because they didn't understand what I was going through and pretending they did was like they were trying to diminish what I was feeling.

I'm sorry for your loss. You're both grieving and I agree with PPs that it might be best to give each other space.

Grief isn’t a competitive sport, and like all emotions tbh, is intensely personal. There isn’t an objective ranking to it, and in reality you can only compare yourself with well, yourself.

You just aren't the right people to support each other at this time.

I expect she thought you were trying to relate to her and compare the 2 when you shared tips about what was helping you sleep and truthfully I can see why that was annoying. She's not wrong - an elderly person dying after a full life is not comparable to losing a sibling young. That's ok though, your grief is still valid and you still need support, just not from your friend.

When I was 12 my best friend died and a grandparent died. The sudden death of a 12 year old girl was beyond horrific. Even though they were family I never would have thought to talk about that loss of my grandparent in the same breath as the loss of my friend. Even at 12 I could see that.

I don’t think anyone can really compare grief because I’m any situation different people feel and handle things differently but I think that someone dying after a long happy life elicits different feelings of ‘sadness’ than someone who dies young and suffered in life. Not that you should feel less grief but that the things that you grieve about are different.