Found comparison of grief hard

[25smallstacey]

Mumsnet can be good at tough love/realistic expectations so I'm here for that. I've had a weird few weeks of fog so I need some directness.

My Nana and my friends brother were in the same hospital at the same time. We were able to help each other, meet for coffee and relate to one another. They passed away within one week of one another.

My Mum was a single Mum, my Nana took me each weekend, we spoke most days and she was 81. Im so grateful to have her until my 30s. My friends brother had a long illness over fifteen years. It's been dreadful for them and we've watched as friends through many years of heartbreak for them.

I rang my friend as soon as I heard the news. Sent a hamper of food. Called as often as she wished for me to call. I tried my best.

This is where I might be unreasonable.....
When Nana died my friend said it's not the same. Nana had a good life, was a good age and friends brothers death was 'tragic'. I never once tried to compare but I tried to relate via passing on funeral planning knowledge, what was helping me with sleeping, practical tips etc. I didn't expect my friend to call, send anything or help as she had her own grief but I found the dismissal of my bereavement hard. I hid it and am continuing support.

@Willyoujustbequiet

People experience grief on their own terms. I know people who have lost their children who are kinder than you.

Your friend is being insensitive to make comparisons. I would let it go but withdraw for your own mental well-being if you need to. Sorry for your loss 💐

Grief is a very personal thing. It can’t be compared to anyone else’s.
She is hurting as are you. For her to say it isn’t the same is correct but also way off the mark.
Don’t engage or minimise your own grief as it can hinder your ability to recover.
Losing someone you love is so bloody hard, doesn’t matter how old you are 💐

If she's normally a good friend I'd assume due to her grief she's not thinking .

But yes it's not a nice thing to say.

So sorry too @2525smallstacey

I think you are right here. I don't think you can understand what your friend is going through. You are both in different places. I know you're trying to be helpful by offering support but I think your friend needs space and to be left alone right now.

My sister died at 37. I wanted the world to burn at the time and had a nervous breakdown because of it. I didn't want any help or support from anyone.

I lost my brother when he was 34, it was tragic, it was horrible but I will say I think your friend is out of order. You can't and shouldn't compare grief, it's not a competition. Hope you are ok.

So in order to show how kind you are you're being horrible and superior?

It is hard for you that your friend is unable to support you especially as you’d been so close to your nana and it’s your first bereavement.
You will need to grieve without her support; it will lead to you reevaluating your friendship.
If you have other people to talk to them do so or consider counselling. You’re not wrong for wanting your nana to still be here and many people live beyond 81.
Love and grief are intertwined and it can be so difficult first time round but you will gradually recover so that you’re not so heartbroken.

Was she dismissive your grief or just saying that there is another quality of regret to get brothers untimely death which is not present in the death of your nana.
So your loss can be powerful and strong, a significant loss... But you aren't wrestling thoughts of the life she didn't get.

I think she was clumsy in her phrasing, but think she was trying to express something she's particularly struggling with.
Do you think your attention and solidarity, lovely support from a friend though it is, might be the wrong thing for her at the moment? Maybe the content was connected to the way you have both gone through a mutual experience, but she feels it's not entirely mutual. The way you pushed friends away from the funeral because life shouldn't stop for this ladies funeral does rather minimise the event.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

There is no comparison. The death of any person is a huge loss no matter their age or the circumstances. You are entitled to feel as you do & fwiw I think your friend is being unfair.

I'm currently dealing with the loss of my beloved Mum. If one more person says to me 'she was a good age' or ' she had a great innings' I think i will bite their heads off. Grief is about the life that was lived & its impact on those left behind. In many ways the impact is greater the longer you had the person in your life. You have more years of experiences with them & more years of love for them & more years of memories with them.

Take care of yourself OP 💐

computercalendar - "My aunt lost her husband a couple of years after her son and her father also died when she was a little girl. I bet you know which one is more tragic."

I'm sorry but I honestly don't know which of those events is meant to be worse, based on your 'They're older than you so meant to die before you' metric. Please could you clarify.

People have a terrible tendency to say their situation is worse OP. My mother died, and my father sincerely informed me that it was worse for him than us because we'd lost a mother but he'd lost a wife 😳

I asked him to think back and consider whether the death of his own mother (my beloved grandmother who he had adored) had felt worse than the loss of his wife (who frankly he never seemed especially keen on). He went quiet after that.

I'm sorry for your loss xxxx

In many ways the impact is greater the longer you had the person in your life.

Tbh I think writing this on a thread where posters have discussed the loss of their children is awful.

I don’t think that comparison is helpful when it comes to bereavement and grief.

Maybe take a slight step back from this friend while you get through the next little while.

Sorry for your loss. 🌷

A work collegue and I lost our mothers in the same week. Technically we suffered the same loss. However my collegue is eight years older than my mam was and her mother lived 28 years longer than mine. Her loss, pain and suffering is obviously horrendous but in my selfish thoughts I am jealous she had so much more time with her mum. On the flip side my collegue thinks as she had her mother for so much longer and built so many memories that her pain is greater. Neither of us is wrong grief just makes you feel like nobody could be hurting as much as you are. I'm very sorry for your loss and you are a wonderful and supportive friend.

The life that is lived doesn’t change the grief that left behind for the living.

everyone grieves differently & your friend is grieving in her own way but selfishness is certainly at the for front of that grief, that will certainly alienate many people around her that may have helped but will back off. I don’t expect you’ll be wanting to lend a listening ear

I never once tried to compare but I tried to relate via passing on funeral planning knowledge, what was helping me with sleeping, practical tips etc.

I can understand her perspective here OP. I know you say you weren’t trying to compare but giving advice on your handling of things does imply that you think the two situations are comparable and I think it’s understandable that she wanted to shut down that line of conversation. I also think it’s completely unrealistic to expect her to be asking after your loss or sending acknowledgments etc. The timing is unfortunate and sad for you but I think many, many people would feel that losing an 81 year old grandparent when you’re in your thirties isn’t on the same stratosphere as losing your sibling in their 40s after years of illness and definitely doesn’t qualify you to give advice on the latter, let alone expect support from them.

There are so many factors within grief that it just isn't as simple as "older person dies = less sad", I think.

My mother died when I was 32. I have often looked at people in their sixties whose parents are still alive and felt a pang of jealousy, true. But then I also think about how unbearably difficult it must be to continue going about your life when the people who have ALWAYS been there ever since you can remember are gone. At least I've had time to get used to my mother not being here and to learn to enjoy life again - I think some never get over it. I always feel that it's like the mountains suddenly vanishing, these people who have been constants to us.

My little brother died too as a child, and that was hideous grief, but different. As I said, it's multifactorial and you can't really compare them.

@MiddleParking I agree. And that can be true at the same time as your loss being huge to you is also true.

My mum died when I was in my early 30s. Ever since I have struggled to show true empathy when someone old dies. I can't help my feelings. I think if someone had offered tips on how to sleep because their nana had died I probably would have snapped at them. I'm not saying it's right, but grief can be irrational and mess you up. It sounds like she's usually a good friend so I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

OP, you don’t say if your father was a part of your life. Families come in different shapes, and perhaps you are finding it particularly difficult that people aren’t recognising the shape of your family and the relative importance of its members..

It’s unfortunate that circumstances have led to comparison with a tragic death. I assume that your friend’s parents are still alive, and the death of a child is horrific.

It’s just a fact that some deaths are more tragic that others, but that doesn’t mean that you have a duty to experience your grief in comparison to your friend’s grief. There is no reason why your friends shouldn’t come to your Nan’s funeral.

@seven201

i lost my mum when I was 31
i lost my dad at 53

loved them both the same and they were both born the same year.

my grief when my dad died was far worse

grief isn’t logical, it’s personal

I am sorry for your loss and sorry that in her grief your friend was being insensitive.

My sister died when she was in her early twenties. My best friend’s grandmother died the next day. I never once tried to make out that my mourning was deeper or more meaningful than hers.

What possible purpose can it serve to try to rank grief in this situation?

It's a tricky one OP.
Sometimes the pain of my mums death is so much harder because she was ill for a long time and died at 60. I was 25. She has missed A LOT and I feel sad that she was ill for so long and a younger age.
I feel the pang of wishing I had known her longer and knowing it wasn't a happy life in the end.

However, as you've said, you have known your nana your whole life and that missing someone who you speak to everyday must be so hard. Do you have comfort knowing the life she lived and how she made it into old age?
I guess that's where I see the difference.

We miss them, but there is no regret there when it's a life well lived?

Condolences. I hope you're okay.