Found comparison of grief hard

[25smallstacey]

Mumsnet can be good at tough love/realistic expectations so I'm here for that. I've had a weird few weeks of fog so I need some directness.

My Nana and my friends brother were in the same hospital at the same time. We were able to help each other, meet for coffee and relate to one another. They passed away within one week of one another.

My Mum was a single Mum, my Nana took me each weekend, we spoke most days and she was 81. Im so grateful to have her until my 30s. My friends brother had a long illness over fifteen years. It's been dreadful for them and we've watched as friends through many years of heartbreak for them.

I rang my friend as soon as I heard the news. Sent a hamper of food. Called as often as she wished for me to call. I tried my best.

This is where I might be unreasonable.....
When Nana died my friend said it's not the same. Nana had a good life, was a good age and friends brothers death was 'tragic'. I never once tried to compare but I tried to relate via passing on funeral planning knowledge, what was helping me with sleeping, practical tips etc. I didn't expect my friend to call, send anything or help as she had her own grief but I found the dismissal of my bereavement hard. I hid it and am continuing support.

I’m sorry for the loss of your Nana.

When you lose a sibling young you also have to grieve the life you should have had with them in it. It’s unspeakably hard. Maybe cut her some slack.

Oh @fliptopbin that sounds so difficult. Three months is a long time to be hurting so much and feeling so angry.
Please, if you're not already, get some bereavement counselling, primarily for your own sake of course, but also for the sake of your husband and child, who must be affected by your grief to a degree.

Just to add another voice here, it’s not you, it’s her. Grief makes us crazy and unreasonable.
My dad passed young and the rage was unreal. Looking back now I realise people were trying to help me but I just couldn’t see it.
Im so sorry to hear about your Nana, it’s sad and awful whatever her age. You can be there for your friend but not at the risk of your own MH x x

I think the point was not that she didn’t understand her pain, but that it wasn’t comparable, and they were suggesting that it was.

Also, in this instance, they were literally displaying what she had lost.

It’s not as though she said ‘oh do shut up, your grief is nothing’. She stood and listened for 40 minutes.

I do agree that the OP shouldn’t feel she needs to minimise her funeral plans or experience her grief purely in the shade of her friends loss.

Well said @ginasevern . I'm very sorry for your loss, you speak very eloquently about it.

That sounds so difficult, but relatable.

I sometimes get the rage (inside) when people talk to me about their dads, casually talking about their dad coming over to help them with this and that, going out for birthday meals, celebrating milestones, helping out if they’re ill etc etc. They say it like it’s nothing. And I guess it isn’t, to them. But I would give anything for that. I would give anything for my dad to see me become an adult and guide me through early adulthood. I want to scream at them, do you know how lucky you are. When my dad died, I felt orphaned because my mum was never a mum to me. She couldn’t even manage basic things like looking after me when I was unwell or taking me to the doctor. I lost the only person that really cared about me.

When people talk about how they’re stressed about stuff I want to tell them to get a fucking grip, that they’ve got so much family support around them, family who will bend over backwards for them at the drop of a hat. To imagine how hard it is to go through all that shit on your own.

I don’t, of course, or I’d have no friends. But it’s incredibly isolating.

This ^

You were very close to your gran and she meant a lot to you and will leave a larger hole in your life than for eg, my gran who I met once as a child and was frankly a bit scared of.

Of course, it is tragic when a younger person dies, but it doesn't nullify the loss of someone who was particularly close to you, even if they were older. With younger people we mourn the loss of potential, the things they didn't get to do. With older people its the things they have done, and been that sometimes make the loss harder.

I don't think its fair to think in terms of awarding particular instances grief points, which imply that one death has more impact than another.

It's the impact that a death has had on you. I think your friend was insensitive and that you have been very understanding and kind towards her.

Sorry for your loss, your gran sounds like she was a wonderful influence on your life. That is important, whatever her age. Please take care of yourself

Thank you. Both my friend and I knew we would be likely to lose these people in the next few years. My Nana was elderly, she wasn't going to be here forever and my friends brother had been very destructive with addiction, they had known for years this would happen one day. I, perhaps wrongly, expected we could help each other through this due to the coincidence of timing but she has almost entirely shut off from me so I need to give her as much space as she needs

I'm really sorry for your loss and as other posters have said, grief is such an individual thing it feels churlish for either of you to compare it to the other's.
I lost my sister very suddenly six months ago and the hardest part of the grief for me is that I never got to say goodbye and I can't remember the last time I told her I loved her.
Your grief is just as valid as your friend's grief but you are both grieving different things: your friend is grieving the future she will never have with her brother; you are grieving the loss of a very very important figure in your life growing up, who is no longer there to support and offer advice.
I am sure her words were not meant to hurt and please have an un-Mumsnetty hug from me.
🤗💐☕

I lost my brother when he was 28 in terrible circumstances. I would say my grief was different to my parents. I still expect to see my brother after 18 years now. I don't think anyone should dictate grief to each other. I never would have said to someone who lost an elderly relative that my grief was worse. My dad is in his 70s and I don't even want to think about life without him just because he's old and lived a life. Everyone is different. She may even have forgotten what she said to you. It's a strange and individual place to be. Your Nanna was special to you as I hope I am to my dgs ❤️

I, perhaps wrongly, expected we could help each other through this due to the coincidence of timing

It's the timing that means you can't help each other @25smallstacey . You're each too vulnerable at the moment. And if I'm entirely honest, the fact that you felt able to support her, but she isn't able to support you, kind of illustrates that your loss is different from hers.

Comparing grief isn't something that is possible but I do have sympathy for your friend, loosing a younger person just is very different.

I organise funerals, I rarely know them so it isn't a personal bereavement but even then young person funerals are the ones that I find incredibly tough, they haven't had a life yet.

I think it's best to not compare and in this situation acknowledge that your grandmother though much loved and sorely missed, had had a great life.

@25smallstacey

No wonder she has shut herself off…. So her brother has an addiction problem, be that drugs or alcohol, for 15 years and she has tried to help him all that time to prevent him from dying…. And no doubt suffered enormously through it all. All her efforts have failed and he is dead.

Meanwhile you have a rosy relationship with Nana, who after a short illness and a few days pain dies at a good age.

Then you come along to your friend needling her with advice on how to sleep and deal with her grief because you think you’re both in the same boat….

You are not even in the same ocean on the same planet.

@25smallstacey

Please get all the help you can from Cruse bereavement care, reach out to your relatives who knew Nana, prioritise self care and take time off work if needed and I hope you are able to come to terms.

But don’t go looking to your friend for support, making out like there is commonality - there isn’t any.

She will be like a worn out rag depleted of energy after an experience like that, awful and she is right - tragic - for her and the whole family that he couldn’t be saved.

OP, you sound like a nice person and a good friend. I'm sorry for the loss of your grandmother. Death is sad at any age; even the death of a 100-year-old will be sad for their family.

However, I would cut your friend some slack. She must be going through hell at the moment. The death of a grandparent is extremely upsetting, but it's on a completely different level to a sibling dying in their thirties, as you acknowledge in your OP. I know you didn't outright make the comparison, but I wonder if she felt you were implying that you two were going through the same thing when you started talking about ways of coping with grief, and she overreacted.

You said in your last post that you both knew you were likely to lose your loved ones in the next few years, which is a bit crass (although I'm sure you didn't mean it that way) - a young person always has a chance (however remote) of overcoming their addiction and living for several more decades, whereas an 81-year-old has already passed the life expectancy of a woman in the UK. Plus, you can take comfort in the fact that your nana lived a long life, and that you were lucky to be part of a small percentage of people who still have a living grandparent in their thirties - your friend can't say that about her brother. Maybe she picked up on your attitude of "we both knew this was going to happen" and felt offended.

For all the MN likes to say "there's no grief top trumps"... there kind of is. If someone was diagnosed with cancer, and their friend said, "I know what you're going through, I've got toothache, I know it's not as bad as cancer but it's still horrendous, we need to support each other" - realistically, the first person would get quite annoyed. Toothache can be fucking agony, and people have the right to complain about it, but it would be completely inappropriate to put in the same league as cancer. People accept this when it comes to physical pain; the same should apply to grief.

I remember a thread where a woman had had a stillborn baby, and her colleague said she knew how she felt, because she had "gender disappointment" over her son and felt as though she was grieving for a daughter! I think I would ended up in prison for GBH if someone had said that to me after a stillbirth.

Having lost my brother to suicide 7 year ago in my 20s, I actually used to get an incredible feeling of rage at anyone else's grief when it was for an elderly relative. Inwardly of course, i never once would show it, but i would have to walk away or blank any conversation about it.

Obviously grief is grief, and very personal. But I fully understand where your friend is coming from.

I still have that feeling where i almost want to roll my eyes when i hear about grief of other's elderly relatives. Old people are supposed to die. Im clearly still deeply hurt from my loss and i think i always will be. Life is incredibly unfair. But this is my problem, and again i would refrain from showing these feelings to others as i understand grief is personal.

When my parents die (which will be in the next decade) it will be such a tiny drop in the ocean compared to what ive already been through.

Again, i honestly do not want to minimise anyone's grief. Just maybe trying to show you feelings from the other side . I know the thoughts are horrible but i still can't stop them. And especially after the loss has just happened and is raw, i can imagine your friend is definitely going to need distance and zero comparisons

Apologies I didn't mean to be crass. Due to ongoing medical issues from the addiction, the family had been told a few years ago he would likely not live past the next few years. I understand that wasn't clear from how I phrased it.

Some of the stories people are posting about what has been said to them while going through grief is awful. I really am getting a better understanding of how others see it. Maybe I was too deep in my own stuff to realise what she was trying to explain!

OP, I'm sure you didn't mean to be crass, I was possibly being a bit harsh there. Sorry for that.

I was replying directly to the OP, haven't read the other replies on the thread. However, the fact that you choose to call me awful when I am dealing with my mother's death says everything about people who think their own grief trumps everyone else's. Try to be kind.

I've lost a sibling and a grandparent. Both were absolutely gutting and devastating. The sibling has the added life not lived, unfairness etc and the grandparent raised me and helped me through that grief then were suddenly gone. Both sucked.

I don't compare them and I certainly wouldn't try to dismiss someone else's grief. I suppose we can all be unreasonable when we're grieving.

I'm very sorry for your loss OP. How ever much time we have with our loved ones is never enough. 💐

A few posts above yours was a woman who lost both of her baby twins within days of their birth. She didn't have her babies in her life for very long but the impact on her life will never go away.

Surely on MN we can at least acknowledge that the loss of a child is absolutely incomparable to any other grief.

I do think your comment was awful and ill thought out, although I'm sure you're far from an awful person.

OP this thread is very identifying and would likely upset your friend at an already horrific time if she comes across it. I'm not sure that posting was a very good idea even if you did it without thinking it through while upset.

I've lost 5 babies myself so please don't call me awful

I'm very sorry for your losses. I never called you awful.