Found comparison of grief hard

[25smallstacey]

Mumsnet can be good at tough love/realistic expectations so I'm here for that. I've had a weird few weeks of fog so I need some directness.

My Nana and my friends brother were in the same hospital at the same time. We were able to help each other, meet for coffee and relate to one another. They passed away within one week of one another.

My Mum was a single Mum, my Nana took me each weekend, we spoke most days and she was 81. Im so grateful to have her until my 30s. My friends brother had a long illness over fifteen years. It's been dreadful for them and we've watched as friends through many years of heartbreak for them.

I rang my friend as soon as I heard the news. Sent a hamper of food. Called as often as she wished for me to call. I tried my best.

This is where I might be unreasonable.....
When Nana died my friend said it's not the same. Nana had a good life, was a good age and friends brothers death was 'tragic'. I never once tried to compare but I tried to relate via passing on funeral planning knowledge, what was helping me with sleeping, practical tips etc. I didn't expect my friend to call, send anything or help as she had her own grief but I found the dismissal of my bereavement hard. I hid it and am continuing support.

She didn't say it unprompted though the op appeared to be giving her advice on how to deal with an entirely different type of grief

About 8 months after my 47 year old husband dropped down dead in front of me, I was shopping in a supermarket where I bumped into a friend I hadn't seen for a while. She was really pleased to see me and asked after my DH (she knew us both). I told her the news, but didn't make any sort of fuss because quite frankly I didn't even want to say the words "DH died". It didn't seem real and still doesn't.

She said something like "oh dear, sorry to hear that" and then promptly told me she knew just how I felt because her 92 year old mother had died recently in a nursing home. Her husband, who was standing right next to her, put his arm around her and told me how terribly hard it had been for his poor wife.

I didn't have a husband to put an arm around me because he had died in front of me at the age of 47 with blood coming out of his mouth. I didn't have a mother or father either because they died years ago (which this friend knew).

No-one should ever, ever compare grief but I do believe that whilst death is always sad, there is such a thing as tragic death and I can't believe the inability of some people to recognise the difference and speak accordingly.

I'm sorry for your loss. You are allowed to feel your own grief and sadness but you cannot try and put it on your friend who had an entirely different experiance.

Unfortunately what they said is true, your nana had her whole life.

My mam also died young, in a horrible way after a really hard life (medically) that robbed her of most basic life enjoyment. She was basically bed bound from her early 20s and had severe illness after illness including several cancers and long chemo journeys, dozens and dozens of serious surgeries from the preventative treatments and organ failure.

Honestly I was left speechless in the aftermath of the amount of people who thought they where 'consolling' with me about it but turning it round to how 'they know the struggle' because they lost a relative who all died much older, in normal ways after living long healthy lives.

I don't doubt for a second they felt grief and loss when losing a loved one (of course you do) but it is in no way comparable to the tragic trauma of losing someone young after watching the struggle fight and fade away.

Its really a gut punch when people compare them. I've lost all my grandparents, I lived with my nana while my mam was in hospital through out my youth (so we where close) and my nana died of dementia (which sucks too, another case of watching someone fade away) but she was old and had had a long good life it was simply just not the same 'tragedy'.

@MiddleParking

The friend wasn't exactly kind to op in the moment was she?

I have empathy for all people however, I will never quite understand people who believe that their situation is worse than yours and will tell you so type.

It isn't a competition and the friend started the comparison first.

A true friend would have grieved together.

When I lost my brother when I was in late teens and him early 20s, I would never have spoken to my friend like that. To try and suggest their grief is not as much as mine. How dare would I or should I? It wouldn't be my place to.

Sorry for your loss.

I can see the side for your friend though. My mum died young, she was early 60's, not even retired. I was mid thirties when she died. A relative lost her mother a couple of months after, she was mid nineties and had had a good life but was suffering from dementia. My relative kept trying to compare their loss to mine, I must admit that I snapped after a while. It was horrible to keep hearing about all her "suffering" at her loss and how I must be feeling the same way. In the end I blew up and said actually, no, her loss couldn't compare to mine, her mother was suffering and in the end in pain, but she'd seen her grandchildren grow and have their own kids, she had lived her life. My mum died suddenly, unexpectedly and my child has missed out on having a grandparent there.

Death is hard at any age, but when someone dies before their time, so to speak, it's much harder.

It doesn't matter the length someone has lived.

When you love someone, you love someone.

Whether it was for a long time or an hour.

Grief is grief and is incomparable.

My aunty's baby died when he was a few hours old.

My mum (her sister) lost her son in his early 20s to an awful tragedy.

They both lost their sons. It is better to have known someone or always wondered?

Neither is worse than the other. They share their grief and they share their love.

But how do you know it wasn't as hard for her as it was for you?

I am very sorry you lost your husband and at such a young age.

But she might have just been trying to empathise back, showing she understood and related, through her mother's death?

It might have been the worst thing she's been through.

I mean this kindly but who are we to judge?

By expressing empathy towards each other and not taking slight, when none probably meant, then the word would be a kinder place.

I also had a very tragic death with my brother. To the point I had ptsd for years after it so I completely understand you. I'm just saying let's put ourselves in other people's shoes.

Kindness goes a long way.

I think she was heading you off from comparisons. Cruel and crass though, but she’s not herself through grief and not emotionally available at the moment.

But what about you @25smallstacey ?
Who is looking after you? Who can you talk about your lovely Nana to?

On the other hand, I've also had people try and suggest that the out of the blue loss

I honestly don't think there is a winning way either way... It torture to sit and watch someone die (especially knowing its slow and they are scared/suffering) but I bet its devastating to your mental health not be with them when it happens or not have goodbyes either.

I said to my mam on monday 'see you on thursday' and wednesday she went into hospital and died a week later. I saw her and spent that week sat with her (although she was mostly unconscious she did wake a few times). I imagine it would suck the air away if I said 'see you on thursday' and then thursday had just never come at all and I had never saw her alive again.

I know people who where away when a parent died out of the blue and it must be a heart stopping phone call to come out of nowhere.

I was shocked when I logged back in and saw the responses. Thank you and also so many have shared their stories of grief, I'm sorry for all the losses 🌻

I'm quite a practical person. I was planning Nanas funeral and friend was planning brothers funeral so I thought it would be helpful to share tips from that. I can see now that could look like comparison. For me, planning the funeral was a helpful distraction but probably not for my friend.

I watched my Nana have a slow and painful last few days. She didn't seem to want to go and watching her in that pain is something I am probably still processing. My friend on the other hand is probably processing a long illness and life not able to be lived by brother.

Reading this I feel annoyed on your behalf. Those friends were tone deaf with a total lack of empathy. Bet you couldn't get out of there quick enough!

I don’t think your friend should have compared your grief in any way TO you, even if she was thinking it. That was something she needed to keep to herself, but grief does funny things to us and she obviously couldn’t keep it in.

My mum died when I was 6. My friends are starting to lose their parents now and it just doesn’t hit the same way. I guess it’s similar to the angle she is taking.

God love you, you're going through it all right now. Mind yourself, it's a hard time x

So sorry for your loss but your friend is right. For someone who is old and has lived a full life to die is not the same as a young person dying. It’s just not.

My mum died in her twenties, when I was two. I’m in my fifties now and have constantly missed a loving mother figure. My mother also missed out on being a mum to me and my sibling. When I see friends posting on Facebook about their world ending because their 80-odd year old mother has died, I want to tell them to get a grip. Yes of course it’s sad, it’s a loss and comparisons are difficult, but it’s not the same.

As upset as you are, you can celebrate your nana’s long life and all the lovely things that entailed. She has clearly left a precious legacy in her children and grandchildren. Your friend’s brother did not have chance to do that. It’s not the same.

To give them the benefit of the doubt, it’s likely that they were just shocked, didn’t know what to say and just blurted out what was on their minds.

It’s also possible that they were experiencing some additional trauma that the poster didn’t know about.

However, on the available facts, losing a mother at 92, (and having a supportive husband) is very obviously NOT comparable to losing a spouse at 47. People naturally try to empathise by making comparisons, but the reality is that if they completely miss the mark sometimes that can be more isolating.

I think it’s good to give grace to people trying to say something when they just don’t know what to say. However it’s just not true that all deaths are equally traumatic and tragic.

OP, grief can only ever be personal. Yours is not your friends and vice versa. There is no timeline on the processing period either. I never married my partner, but we were together for 40 years. He died 4 years ago, in a hospice. I was so wrapped up in my own feelings, it took me weeks before I really understood that my daughter had also lost her father. I have never told her that it was a relief to let him go. The wasted man that pain and illness had turned him into was now a stranger to me. Some feelings only you alone can deal with.

Loss is loss. It's hard and shitty. There are secondary factors to this loss that offer comfort or increase the devastation.

She shouldn't need to compare. People who are grieving even the same person will experience it differently. Sorry she lashed out. Her brothers death is compounded by his age, but it doesn't mean you aren't suffering because your nan was old, just the compounding factors are different.

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother, I truly am.

I am not an unkind person but, in all honesty, I don't think her mother's death impacted her life in the same way. Firstly, my friend was nearly 70 when her 92 year old mother died. That's not a bad innings in anyone's book.

Secondly, she still had her fit, healthy and loving husband whom she'd been married to for 50 years to comfort and support her. The very person whose shoulder you most want to weep on was there with her, to help make funeral arrangements, to sort out the paperwork and, most importantly, to offer love.

She didn't have to come home to a silent empty house, knowing it would remain that way. She didn't go to bed on the night of her mother's death alone gazing in numbed disbelief at the cold, vacant space beside her or get up the following morning again to silence, with no-one to hold and comfort her.

Nor did she didn't have to worry herself sick about finances because she'd lost her husband and therefore part of a joint income. She didn't have to rethink and restructure her entire life either.

There is also the vast difference in ages. Her mother had lived 45 years longer than my husband. She was over twice his age when she died. She also died peacefully in a nursing home while my husband died quite suddenly, out of the blue of a massive brain haemorraghe which caused blood to poor from his mouth and eyes as he stood before me. He hadn't been ill at all, there were no underlying health issues and it was just a normal, average Friday morning.

You can't empathise back when the goal posts are so wildly different. You really, really can't.

Besides, I personally would not consider her approach remotely empathetic. She said 5 token words about my bereavement and then proceeded to talk for 40 odd minutes about her mother whilst her husband hugged her lovingly and I stood there alone. I have absolutely no qualms about her sharing her loss and I was sorry to hear about her Mum, but I wouldn't dream of being so insensitive and self absorbed in those circumstances.

From what I’ve understood the OP said nothing about trying to tell her how to grieve, merely that she passed on what was helping her both personally and with funeral planning. She never told her how to grieve or compared her situation to her friends.

“I wasn't speaking about Nana beforehand. It was that she said it’s so tragic to lose her brother in his 40s, not like what I have been through”. Sounds as though her friend diminished OP’s grief altogether and brought this up unprompted.

Your friend is right, sorry OP.

That’s your opinion, it doesn’t mean your opinion is correct

@PandaRose123
Totally agree. I lost a parent at 15 and the other at 51. The pain it caused me was comparable - by then my remaining parent had been my only parent for 30 odd years, it was awful when they died. I'm not going to compete in grief Olympics because I know that losing a child or a young relative is something else altogether.

But please let's not minimise the death of a parent - why do we need to do that?

The woman that a pp was describing who was losing her elderly mother - she may not have losing been her DP but her mother could well have been her best friend/closest companion/housemate for the last 60 years - how can you not comprehend her pain even a little?

Heck my best friend at uni, whose parents were divorcing, actually said to me that at least my dad was dead and not suffering like hers was - now that was heartless. I knew what she meant but god that was cold.

Have some compassion people. Allow others to have their feelings - they're not in competition with you.

Grief isn't exclusive and people are allowed to grieve.
For context when my dad died of cancer we were all heartbroken even though we knew it was coming, and he was well into his 70s.

When my sisters died, the grief was different and I feel harder, much harder for me and my brother because we were all so close and more like best friends and they are the only other people who would be able to "get" the same family stuff, nostalgia, jokes etc beyond my parents. I don't think I'll ever fully recover from losing them both, and close together.

That said, my grief is nothing compared to my poor mum who died a little inside with each of their deaths and my sisters poor children. They all kept checking in with me for months after but it was them I was more concerned about and I expressed my grief away from them because I chose to be the strong one for them and chose my DP and friends to let mine out to.

So it's not comparable and it's good your not claiming otherwise, but you are allowed experience your own grief.

The thing is, having veen in your friend's situation, a friend's grandmother died around the same time as my sister died, and this was totally irrational, and I have never felt anything like this since, but I had to walk away when she even alluded to her grandmother (not comparing grief, just bringing up her name)before I punched her.
I can't explain the hatred I felt (and 3 months later still do). It wasn't just her, I fucking hate people who say good morning to me, I only speak to my OH and my son now.
Just to give another perspective-I know this isn't normal and I am withdrawing from people till this phase of grief is over, but sometimes you just get this horrible urge to hurt others as much as you are hurting (then fucking hate yourself for it).

@fliptopbin That sounds incredibly tough for you and I hope it passes as quickly as it can