Found comparison of grief hard

[25smallstacey]

Mumsnet can be good at tough love/realistic expectations so I'm here for that. I've had a weird few weeks of fog so I need some directness.

My Nana and my friends brother were in the same hospital at the same time. We were able to help each other, meet for coffee and relate to one another. They passed away within one week of one another.

My Mum was a single Mum, my Nana took me each weekend, we spoke most days and she was 81. Im so grateful to have her until my 30s. My friends brother had a long illness over fifteen years. It's been dreadful for them and we've watched as friends through many years of heartbreak for them.

I rang my friend as soon as I heard the news. Sent a hamper of food. Called as often as she wished for me to call. I tried my best.

This is where I might be unreasonable.....
When Nana died my friend said it's not the same. Nana had a good life, was a good age and friends brothers death was 'tragic'. I never once tried to compare but I tried to relate via passing on funeral planning knowledge, what was helping me with sleeping, practical tips etc. I didn't expect my friend to call, send anything or help as she had her own grief but I found the dismissal of my bereavement hard. I hid it and am continuing support.

OP, In our wider family there has been a very tragic loss of a young person. After this I never get upset when older people, who have had a full life die.
I am in my seventies. I really do hope that when I go it doesn’t upset my children or grandchildren.
Just try and remember the good times you had with your grandmother.

I’m so sorry for what you are going through, it’s incredibly hard so be kind to yourself.

5 years ago my brother died very suddenly and tragically. It was horrific. The whole thing was traumatising for us all. He was 37. 6 weeks later my nanna died of a very short illness - approx 10 days from diagnosis but very peacefully at home surrounded by her family. I was 20 weeks pregnant at time it all happened.

grief is very different for each person - take care if your self, take the time you need and take space if you need.

give your friend some time and space too but I would have a conversation with her in the future about how insensitive she has been.

My sister died at 18 and my best school friend died at 13. Last week my 8 year old asked me which upset me most. I answered honestly and with his expected outcome it was a relevant question for him as an 8 yr old but 20 yrs past it wasn’t easy so I can see how this is difficult for you.

Any adult comparison of which grief is the hardest is a race to the bottom and if you want to stay friends the only way you will move on ( although from experience you won’t forget her words) is the put it down to her reacting to her own grief.

take care

I think the mistake was trying to relate by passing on funeral plan knowledge, practical tips and what was helping you with grief.

This may be mistaken for comparison grief.
I'm in my 30s and have experienced a lot of grief from a young age. My mam is an only child and very close to her family (I was very lucky to have my great gran until I was 13, spent most days with her etc) one grandparent when she was 70 and my grandad when he was 92. (The difference between those 2 were very different I was also equally very close to them and saw them most days)
I did grieve them but it was nothing like loosing mine and my husband's school friend when we were 15, then 2 years ago I also lost another friend.

In my job I deal with death a lot, it comes up most days.
But I still find it very hard to think about my beautiful friend who died just before they turned 30.
I internally struggle when people say that older people who die is a tragedy....it's sad...but not a tragedy.
If someone who lost their gran around the same time I lost my friend and was sending me advice re what's helping them the logic in my brain would people switch off....I know they're trying to something nice...but grief does funny things to you

Grief isn’t a competitive sport.

Well yes losing someone in their 40’s is more tragic than someone dying of old age but it’s very rude to actually say that to someone. Doesn’t matter what age someone is when they die, they are still your beloved family member and of course you’re going to grieve their passing. Maybe best to give her some space

No it isn't the same of course but she was completely in the wrong to say that.

Also it isn't the same - but as people say, there is no hierarchy of grief. You cannot quantify what someone else is going through.

You can have a brother that you don't speak to and a nan that brought you up - it's all intensely personal and subjective but we can all be generous enough to acknowledge that other people can go through difficult things that are not the same as ours and yet will affect them greatly.

I hate it when people are dismissive about older people dying. My mum died in her 80s but in a horrible, painful way of cancer after being very healthy her whole life. I grieved the extra time we missed with her, her right to a dignified, pain free death, the loss of my mother who was the person I had known the longest and had been a central part of my life.

But I can comfort someone at work who's lost their grandparent but still has both parents - of course I can because I recognise that their grief, what they're feeling in that moment is real and overwhelming - especially if it's their first experience of loss.

Let's just not be pricks about this.

I wonder if your advice about how to cope, though well-meaning, made her angry. It is very common to feel angry as a part of grief, and often the anger is so diffuse, so interwoven with numbness, that it is hard to trace where it comes from, where it belongs. So it can come out anywhere.
So even if your advice was perfectly judged it might have provoked anger. And I suspect that it was less than perfectly judged -- because you are human and because you were coping with your own bereavement.
I don't think either of you is 'in the wrong' You are both entitled to the very very difficult feelings that grief produces.

It is something I wouldn’t say but when people die young and haven’t had a chance at life it is the very cruellest and it is much worse than an older person dying that’s had a life. My own DD died in her twenties and my friend’s sister at school died aged 17.

I am sorry to read about your grandmother but remember she had a long life, knowing people loved her. My own parents died aged 84 and 94 as callous as it may seem having had really young people dying in my life I was just grateful they got long lives.

@Flossflower I feel the same.

Just also wanted to say that if you were giving her advice on the basis of your own experience then it was you, not she, who initiated the 'comparison' between two deaths, and she was reacting to that comparison. Of course there is no 'hierarchy' of grief, but there are intensely different experiences of grief and I can readily understand that it would be extremely difficult to cope with well-intentioned support that explicitly drew on an experience very different from one's own.
Each person's grief is unique. That might be part of the erason why almost any sort of advice, and even simple compassion, can produce fury (either expressed or politely hidden)in a bereaved person.
I still feel a surge of fury every time I drive past the undertakers that dealt with my sons funeral. One of their staff members said something ill-judged, which is what my fury focuses on most, but I think I just feel furious with them for being there and supplying me with their service

First of all I think you should cut both her and you some slack. Grief is all consuming, people act irrationally and don't have the headspace to make allowances for other people's missteps.

There's a difference between comparing deaths and comparing griefs. Death can be sudden/expected, peaceful/harrowing, after a long/short life, tragic/welcome, and all sorts of other things. In this sense I think your friend was right, it's not the same.

Grief is different too because in addition to different circumstances, everyone has a different relationship with the person who's died. That doesn't mean that one person's grief is any greater or lesser than another's. It's just different and there's no point in making comparisons.

I hope as time passes you will both be able to be more gentle with each other. But don't expect too much just now, as pp have said, grief does weird things to you.

You're expecting someone who's lost her brother at 40 to be behaving normally @25smallstacey ? To think her words through carefully before speaking?

Good grief, when I lost my DH in his 50s I couldn't think straight for months and I got some things terribly wrong.

I'm sorry about the loss of your gran, but you're expecting too much of your friend.

Very well put. Exactly this.

I agree with all of that and I said something similarly insensitive about someone else grieving (not to their face) in the heat of my grief for a young family member who died tragically young. I really regret saying that now but it was just how I felt at the time and if it was someone else I'd cut them some slack.

I haven't felt anything like the same grief for other family members who've died at a normal age span and I've lost all of the older generation by now.

I don't think you can look to someone else who is grieving for comfort. They are still processing their grief and are temporarily not thinking straight. Especially when their grief is so very, very hard.

Hopefully you have others in your life who have the space to give you support and comfort. Your loss is very real and very sad and it's right to be kind to yourself

give your friend some time and space too but I would have a conversation with her in the future about how insensitive she has been.

Good grief. Please don't do that, OP.

You are both grieving, and consequently in turn tactless and sensitive. Both are norma and understandable behaviours in grief, and this is not something that needs bringing up later on the hope of an apology.

It was a cruel thing to say. It's not a competition and one person's grief doesn't trump someone elses. Just because yous Nana reached a good age doesn't mean you shouldn't be upset about it and it doesn't mean you don't have sympathy for other peoples grief

Your ‘friend’ is completely out of order.
I remember a wise work college once saying, nobody can decide how death affects individuals. Absolutely nobody can say how upset an individual will be when someone dies.
Lets face it, sone people will not be upset when their spouse dies.
All relationships are unique.
I would pull back from her.
Sorry for your loss.

That's a really unhelpful response. Anger and rage are a perfectly normal part of grief, particularly if it's traumatic or a younger person. Your friends almost certainly will feel similar but they're just better able to channel their emotions into a more productive outcome. Not everyone can do that, some will internalise it and that's not helpful either.

Probably didn’t mean to hurt you and people grieving say things they don’t mean to.

Absolutely this

Absolutely and I hope she doesn't come across this thread in her grief with all the bile and nastiness directed at her.

Honestly I can think this sometimes in my head having lost both parents in their 40s when I was a teenager, however I would never ever say it to someone. Grief is personal and not comparative.

I think the age of the person dying is irrelevant - it’s the quality of the life and the impact they and their passing has had on the bereaved person that matters. A person who dies in their forties who was selfish/abusive/absent, for example, can’t compare to an elderly person who was a defacto second parent who sacrificed a lot for you, was a daily part of your world for your whole life.

Both these individuals were deeply loved and, seemingly, wonderful and loving people. Yes it’s tragic when someone dies ‘before their time’ but a slow, death in one’s early 80’s can also seem ‘too soon’ when many of us have relatives living into their mid 90’s with no apparent physical or cognitive issues.

OP’s friend is experiencing a deep grief and this can make one insular and insensitive - but the posters here minimising the OPs loss should give their heads a wobble. OP, I would give your friend some space and focus on your own grief with friends who are better able to support you at this time.

You know I hate people who compare grief. It's not a bloody competition.

My nana recently died in January and took it harder than I thought I would. My friends were there for me.

My friend's pet died on Friday and she was overcome. She needed help and I was there.

I certainly didn't go, oh for goodness sake, it's a pet, it doesn't compare to my nana. Because for one, I know pets are like family. Mine are for certain.

We were both talking about grief and I said to her there is no wrong or right in how you're feeling. Just let yourself feel whatever you have to.

For what it's worth, my brother also died in a very tragic way. And I still wouldn't put my friend down or make comparisons.

I would tell her it's not a competition, that grief is still grief no matter how it comes about.

Sorry for your loss op.

Except you've just compared how you were in grief, with how OP 's friend is.

Your losses sound awful and clearly you did well if you managed not to say anything that risked others being hurt. We don't all manage to be rational in deep grief.