Found comparison of grief hard

[25smallstacey]

Mumsnet can be good at tough love/realistic expectations so I'm here for that. I've had a weird few weeks of fog so I need some directness.

My Nana and my friends brother were in the same hospital at the same time. We were able to help each other, meet for coffee and relate to one another. They passed away within one week of one another.

My Mum was a single Mum, my Nana took me each weekend, we spoke most days and she was 81. Im so grateful to have her until my 30s. My friends brother had a long illness over fifteen years. It's been dreadful for them and we've watched as friends through many years of heartbreak for them.

I rang my friend as soon as I heard the news. Sent a hamper of food. Called as often as she wished for me to call. I tried my best.

This is where I might be unreasonable.....
When Nana died my friend said it's not the same. Nana had a good life, was a good age and friends brothers death was 'tragic'. I never once tried to compare but I tried to relate via passing on funeral planning knowledge, what was helping me with sleeping, practical tips etc. I didn't expect my friend to call, send anything or help as she had her own grief but I found the dismissal of my bereavement hard. I hid it and am continuing support.

@whatsitcalledwhen We aren't in the UK and I've never heard friend mention Mumsnet. I am keeping it in mind though, thank you

Surely on MN we can at least acknowledge that the loss of a child is absolutely incomparable to any other grief.

When my dad died it was my grandmother I felt for the most

You have had FIVE neo natal deaths?

That is an awful lot for one person, you have been very unlucky.

"Surely on MN we can at least acknowledge that the loss of a child is absolutely incomparable to any other grief"

I absolutely agree with this. My parents loosing my brother was a totally different grief to mine. My darling friend lost her son just turned 18. I have never and never want to again hear the sound that came from her as I was with her when she found out.

Sorry posted before had chance to finish comment. OP you are absolutely right to grieve how you are. But no grief is the same. Your friend will also be navigating her parents grief as I was with my brother. It's hard.

To all those parents who have lost children, I am truly truly sorry for you and your family ❤️

You can't compare these things. They're different and different people grieve differently.

That said your friend is selfish. Step back and take your own time.

I'm so sorry reading about everyones loss

My friend had a stillborn baby last year and I remember her heartache at people comparing it to miscarriages. She didn't say anything to them but she took space from those people

That said your friend is selfish

She really isn't. Or at least not in the usual sense of the word.

She's grief stricken and her head is a mess.
There are any number of mistakes that I made in the aftermath of my husband's death. I thought I was coping, but I now cringe at the poor decisions I made and things I said.
What the friend said is understandable in her situation. And OP 's sensitiveness is also to be expected in hers

This shows that you KNOW it’s not comparable, but you just found it insensitive that your friend said it out loud. I think that’s reasonable of you - it didn’t need to be said out loud.

Sending hugs for your loss.

@25smallstacey

People do try and play grief top trumps with this type of loss very openly…. Almost to the extent that they think the loss means they can dispense with responsibility for their behaviour.

I once had to seek accommodations in work due to multiple miscarriages, multiple operations and being in and out of hospital for several years related to gynae problems. HR - who had no health issues and three healthy children - gazumped me in the grief stakes by acting in a dismissive manner stating that they had had a stillbirth several years earlier… so what I was going through was nothing.

I think all we can do is try to be sensitive to everyone’s position with their loss, try not to be rude and completely avoid giving unsolicited advice and drawing comparisons of any kind.

Had something similar when my mum died - she was old, had a long and full life. Still sucked. A particularly awful woman in a social group I was part of at the time who had lost her husband was absolutely vile, dismissive and telling everyone I needed to just get on with it. While banging on about being a widow at every opportunity. I am not saying that her losing her husband 9 years earlier was not terrible and an affront to her expectations. But it was gratuitously nasty to be saying things about me while my mother was dying and immediately afterwards. A lot of people stopped talking to her because she showed her true colours and they were not very nice - she flounced out of the group soon after. It is horrible to downplay someone elses loss. Whatever that loss is. It is a sign of narcissism.

I am sorry for your loss.

Surely on MN we can at least acknowledge that the loss of a child is absolutely incomparable to any other grief.

I 100% agree with this. No one expects to outlive their child. It doesn't feel like the natural order.

I was the one who had to break the news to my mum when my first sister died very suddenly and aside from the screams of her kids, my mums face is something that won't ever erase. Then when my second sister took ill suddenly and was in ICU and we knew she wasn't going to pull round, my mum's cries that she couldn't believe she was losing another daughter will always echo in my head too.
A good friend lost her son who was barely in his 20s too and she is broken and if it wasn't for her other DC I think she'd have totally crumbled. My mum cried for my friend and my friend cried for my mum because they understood the specific pain.
I wouldn't wish the pain I've seen them in on anyone.

@Justkeeepswimming absolutely awful for you both, but it reads that you think because she had 3 children her stillbirth isn't a factor for her? Surely not?!

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose

Not saying that at all. It must have been an utterly horrendous experience.

My point was I was going through the experience in real time, had spent six years in and out of hospital, had multiple miscarriages and nothing to show for it - except developing disability for life.

I was sitting crying, trying to work out accommodations to make work accessible, and instead of doing her job to help me, she decided to make judgement that her having a stillbirth several years previous was more worthy of centre stage in the grief stakes. It just struck me as incredibly inappropriate at the time. To try and ‘top’ someone else’s grief, particularly when she had no health concerns previous or after - it was just incredibly bad luck, no cause. And she had the good fortune to have three other children.

It was two entirely different situations and very like what happened with @Atethehalloweenchocs, it was a person bereaved in a horrible manner years earlier thinking this gave them license to discount everyone else’s grief and to behave deplorably…. I would wager it happens because people don’t have proper counselling and support.

Relative to OP’s situation, the death of her friend’s brother is fresh and her friend’s asserting the differences between it and OP’s Nana’s death sounds a response to being exasperated due to OP’s unsolicited advice and lack of comprehension as to the gravity of grief being different with a younger person/one with long illness.

Of course if in six years time the friend is dismissive of all others grief then obviously that is out of line… but right now I would give her a by ball, allow her space, don’t try and compare the two deaths or say you know what she’s going through. Mainly OP take care of yourself and your own grief because you deserve time to do that.

It's not a competition 💐