Who's wrong dd or dh?

[Autienotnaughtie]

We are going out for a meal today, me, dh, fil, mil and our 3 dc (one of whom is a adult)

Pil are coming to our town so we are organising, I tend to leave dh to make arrangements when it's stuff for his parents as otherwise I end up doing all organising.

Dh is a very last minute person, I use to end up stepping in if I thought something might not happen if I didn't. Now I just leave him to it.

On Friday adult dd asked dh if he had chosen/booked where we are eating. He hadn't. She wanted to know as she is following a healthy lifestyle/exercise plan and likes to plan her meals/macros/exercise accordingly. She has lost a lot of weight, is looking and feeling great and we are trying to support her in this.

She asked if he could choose so she could plan her meal. He said he wanted to ring his parents first. A bit later she asked if he had chance to ring his parents he said no. When I got in from work (about 10pm) she said in front of dh she had asked and he hadn't done it. Dh snapped at her and said he would ring tomorrow and would text her.

I spoke to her later and she was upset he had snapped and couldn't see what she had done wrong.

I spoke to dh (on Saturday after dd had left) and he said she shouldn't have to plan her meals in advance and we shouldn't be encouraging it. I replied it's nothing to do with us and we should be supportive of her trying to be healthier. He replied he shouldn't have to do things on others terms. I said I can't understand why he would deliberately put someone else out just to get his own way. He got annoyed.

Who was unreasonable dh or dd?

I think they’re both wrong, he should be more organised but she needs to incorporate some flexibility in her diet to make it sustainable. Sounds a little bit obsessive about food

Why not? Anticipate that you’re going to consume a lot of calories in a meal and plan to adjust preceding & subsequent meals/exercise and if you don’t then again adjust accordingly?

Well if it’s Sunday lunch maybe she wanted to check if it’s the sort of place that only does a roast etc or there’s options for something else.

either way I don’t it’s unreasonable of her especially as he knows why.
Routine and consistency are so key to building new and lasting habits.

Your DD is doing a well! Good for her.
DH was being unnecessarily stubborn

Meal went well. We all had a nice time.

I'm not worried about dd this is a healthy eating plan for a weight loss goal if she ignores it every time she is invited out it won't work. She is determined to get to a healthy weight and I'm proud of her.

Dh is great in many ways but can be a bit selfish at times .

Glad you had a nice time!

Thank you for the update, OP.
Happy to hear that the meal went well!

Its perfectly normal and in fact advisable to plan ahead when eating out if you want to eat more healthily. It's not obsessive or anything else like that.

Wow.. everyone who is being ridiculous about dd saying she's on her way to anorexia etc. You literally don't have a clue and quite frankly sound ancient and out of touch. DD is trying to become a healthy weight . If she didn't plan ahead she would end up putting on weight and then you would all moan about that. There is such a thing these days called calorie counting so if she knows the day before what she is eating she can plan all her meals for that day incorporating in her meal out. She is very sensible instead of avoiding socialising to stay on plan she is being flexible whilst continuing her healthy journey. Well done her 👍
PS ..DH is lazy and in the wrong.

Think you misread there. It says DH DD cook, so a joint effort, by the (perceived) awkward pair x

I don’t understand all the posts accusing DD of being inflexible. I also diet and literally the only way it works for me is to plan and plan well. Ideally I need to know week by week what I’m eating, at least roughly, and if I know I’m going out I look at the menu to plan ahead. Random meals etc can really throw me off. Yes that’s my/ or the DDs problem to an extent but why undermine something if it’s going well?

DH doesn't like having to do something at the behest of his daughter. He thinks he's the boss and everyone should bend to his preferences but he shouldn't have to do anything for anyone else. Like many men really.

DH is BU. Good on your daughter working so hard to be a healthy weight. Behaviours around food need to be understood in their wider context. Of course, it's not helpful to collude with rigidity in the context of a mental health problem (like eating disorders) but when it's in an effort to make a positive change in an area of life to that's been problematic, supporting her with that seems helpful. Also, what's the big deal for your DH - I don't understand why he doesn't just get on with booking something.

It's not unreasonable to ask where they will be eating. It's a simple question. She's not trying to pick the restaurant or dictate what they eat so how exactly is the daughter not flexible?

Tbh I would say your DD should be more flexible. She really doesn’t have to plan every meal in advance in order to lose weight and expecting her dad to inform
of the restaurant before he wants to arrange it is demanding. Im
assuming shes young? I think I planned my meals about 30 seconds before eating them in my 20s! Keep the calories low and the weight will stay off. And besides which a one off meal out won’t affect her diet whatever she eats.

Your DH is overstepping his boundaries by commenting on your adult daughter’s business. If I was any of your family and your DH hadn’t booked anything within a two day time frame I simply would refuse to go. If he can’t be bothered to make the effort then he doesn’t want them there that badly. If you know your DH has such poor organisational skills then someone else should take over and arrange it because he can’t be trusted to do it adequately. It’s not unreasonable for anyone regardless of diet restrictions to want to know where they’re having a meal so they can forward plan.

DH is being an a hole! I think DD is doing the right things by being considerate enough to not dictate the type of cusine/restaurant and try to control that situation, she's just trying to control her own food intake.
It's very common for people who are trying to diet or live healthy to accommodate for meals the day before and similar. She is likely meal planning and trying to be responsible by having a meal out but being mindful around the meal. He should be supporting this (and we should all try and do this).

Fair play to her because I would have just took matters into my own hands and rang my grandparents myself.

Also if she's eating out thst might be a goal for her as her 'naughty meal' or similar and wants to prepare for that.

In my peak days of weightless I would literally plan my off meal and think about it so often. I'd be like 'have a salad today/go to the gym today so you can enjoy X guilt free'

DD isn’t being unreasonable. Even without the diet, there are many people who would like or need to know plans in advance. Your husband is being lazy and making your daughter the scapegoat.

Reading your post @Autienotnaughtie was troubling to me. When my DD was in the grips of anorexia she would have been similarly controlling about where and what she ate. I'm all for healthy eating but to be insistent on planning that far ahead is not good.

DH. She didn't dictate a place, she isn't behaving dangerously with her diet if she has medical support. She asked multiple times because he's known to not bother.