Who's wrong dd or dh?

[Autienotnaughtie]

We are going out for a meal today, me, dh, fil, mil and our 3 dc (one of whom is a adult)

Pil are coming to our town so we are organising, I tend to leave dh to make arrangements when it's stuff for his parents as otherwise I end up doing all organising.

Dh is a very last minute person, I use to end up stepping in if I thought something might not happen if I didn't. Now I just leave him to it.

On Friday adult dd asked dh if he had chosen/booked where we are eating. He hadn't. She wanted to know as she is following a healthy lifestyle/exercise plan and likes to plan her meals/macros/exercise accordingly. She has lost a lot of weight, is looking and feeling great and we are trying to support her in this.

She asked if he could choose so she could plan her meal. He said he wanted to ring his parents first. A bit later she asked if he had chance to ring his parents he said no. When I got in from work (about 10pm) she said in front of dh she had asked and he hadn't done it. Dh snapped at her and said he would ring tomorrow and would text her.

I spoke to her later and she was upset he had snapped and couldn't see what she had done wrong.

I spoke to dh (on Saturday after dd had left) and he said she shouldn't have to plan her meals in advance and we shouldn't be encouraging it. I replied it's nothing to do with us and we should be supportive of her trying to be healthier. He replied he shouldn't have to do things on others terms. I said I can't understand why he would deliberately put someone else out just to get his own way. He got annoyed.

Who was unreasonable dh or dd?

Both are BU.

DH needs to pull his finger out and make some decisions. But DD is unreasonable to expect that everyone should leap to conform to her rather restrictive, controlled eating regime. The fact she's so concerned about the macros of a singular meal would be ringing slight alarm bells with me.

It's tough without knowing them but if it were me as DD, the food thing wouldn't be the part that annoyed me most. She was likely annoyed at having seen her dad over the years being constantly bailed out and then when finally left with the responsibility, not stepping up. The diet planning stress was just on top of that and is more of a 'reason' to chase her dad than going 'are you really so lazy you can't click book online on your phone?!'

Like other posters, I'd have reserved early as Sunday dinners are often busy, especially with family coming in for it. Dinner out just the 2 of you on a random Tuesday? Probably fine to wing it. Large group of people who have specifically travelled to be there? It's worth making the effort to get somewhere nice at a good time that has a good range of options (as a veggie I always try to make sure there's a range of things for every requirement because it sucks being the afterthought of chips/salad). So I'm firmly in the DH is in the wrong camp, with a smattering of DD can't expect people to always work around her, but I understand her disappointment in her dad and it came out poorly.

Why though? It’s hardly unusual to book a restaurant a few days in advance. HE doesn’t have to choose HIS food in advance if he’s so keen to “go with the flow” (although what that actually means in this context, I’ve no idea).

I never said it was unusual to book a restaurant 48 hours in advance, I said it wasn't healthy to be so fixated on one meal that it was causing you stress that far in advance.

Re the DH - I meant that maybe he wanted to decide on a restaurant last minute rather than plan ahead too much?

And.. again.. it’s Sunday lunch, the menu will more than likely be roast dinner or a variation thereof, could DD really not plan on that basis?

But WHY wouldn’t he book it? Booking a restaurant a couple of days in advance is not an outlandish thing to do - it’s actually very sensible when there are seven of you going! In what way has this put him out?

I suspect OP’s husband has decided macros and meal planning is a lot of faddy nonsense and therefore HE’S not going to be “dictated” to or “ pander” to it - even though all he’s got to do is make a booking he’d have to make anyway. It’s just deliberate belligerence.

Re the DH - I meant that maybe he wanted to decide on a restaurant last minute rather than plan ahead too much?

For what purpose?

Your DH is right and I hate to say this but this sounds alarming like the early stages of an eating disorder.

I really don't think it's as deep as you're making it out to be.

We often don't decide until an hour or so before where we want to go out for a meal. Not because we're being awkward, just because we don't always want to plan several days in advance.

I mean, sometimes we'll wake up and be happy to drive for an hour to a certain place, other days we might just want to go somewhere within walking distance. It's nothing more than that.

Because I often don't know what I'll fancy doing until the day. It's really nothing deeper than that.

You really can’t tell from the surface.

If she was a normal weight then sure. But she is actually overweight and very dedicated to losing it. This is part of a plan that is not forever.

Plenty of gym bunnies, very into health and fitness and developing muscle are super careful about diet - it’s all about protein and macros etc.

That’s fine if it’s just you, DH and your kids. But this involves ILs as well and it’s a complete pia not know where you’re going until just before.

But he knows this is an issue for someone else in the party. Why is HIM not wanting to decide until the last minute more important than his daughter wanting to know a couple of days ahead? It’s all very well to shrug and say, “But I don’t know what I’ll fancy” if there’s just a couple of you and you’re both happy to take your chances last minute, but if your decision affects six other people, refusing to plan is just being an arse for no reason other than belligerence.

Well, it seems like it's only the DD who has an issue with it not being booked early.

So alternatively, why should she get to dictate what happens for six other people?

Huh? I was talking about a meal with my in-laws and extended family.

We often don't decide until the day. It's never been an issue.

I don’t think DD is being at ALL unreasonable based on your info. Of course people need to be able to plan in advance when they’re in the middle of making big life changes like she is. It’s not just about food - it’s about learning to eat well over the arc of a couple of days. As she gets more used to making good food choices it will require less forward planning / more space for spontaneity.

I am a healthy weight + have never had any food issues - and I still like knowing where I’m going to eat a couple of days in advance because I like to look at menus / look forward to things!

DH is being selfish - and it sounds like he snapped because he has a history of being a bit disorganised and resented being called out on it.

She’s the only one who complained but I’d be surprise if the ILs didn’t find it annoying. They’re driving into town specifically for this - and they don’t even know where until the last minute.

But honestly I would find it a bit annoying if I had a family member or mate on such a rigid diet because I like doing a spontaneous meal out sometimes

But surely what makes it spontaneous is thinking “I fancy eating out tonight - I wonder if anyone’s up for going out for dinner?” or similar? It isn’t “spontaneous” if you’ve decided weeks ago that you’re doing it and you’ve got visitors coming specifically for it. So what’s wrong with booking in advance when you know you’re going for Sunday lunch?

Well, I would assume that, as grown adults, they would speak up if they were annoyed with their son's behaviour.

I’ve no idea why you would assume that. Picking people up on every silly thing they do is tiresome and by the sound of it, it’s par for the course with DH so they’re probably used to it.

Because there isn’t any benefit to not booking in advance. She’s not taking anything away from anyone.

It’s not like she’s said “I will only go to one of three restaurants as I don’t want to eat XYZ”, or has insisted on a venue close to her house, meaning everyone has to travel. Booking a restaurant when there’s seven of you is a perfectly normal and sensible thing to do. OP’s husband is just in a huff because his daughter’s request has highlighted the fact that he hasn’t done this very, very simple thing!

I am mostly team DH here. I think DD is being a bit needy demanding to know which restaurant it is.
There will also be something she could eat.
But DH could be a bit more organised.

I really don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be spontaneous. Lots of people wake up and decide to go or meals or on a day trip at the last minute - it's very normal.

Equally, I also don't think there's anything wrong with DD wanting to plan in advance, but she shouldn't get an attitude when her dad didn't immediately jump to attention and do it.

I like to know where I'm going.for dinner, along with what time and who will be there.
Your H is being an ass.
Seriously, how difficult is it to book a restaurant, call his parents and say we are going to x restaurant and let your DD know the plans. He sounds like a dick.

I think they're both as bad as eachother! 7 people is a lot to accommodate on a whim for Sunday lunch so he should have made a reservation.
I think DD is overly fixated on food. Unless it's a fast food place, there will be something suitable without going overboard on macro nutrients etc. Going to the gym/run or a healthy breakfast would be perfectly okay for most people (is there a drip feed coming up on food allergies/interances/vegan etc coming up?)