Who's wrong dd or dh?

[Autienotnaughtie]

We are going out for a meal today, me, dh, fil, mil and our 3 dc (one of whom is a adult)

Pil are coming to our town so we are organising, I tend to leave dh to make arrangements when it's stuff for his parents as otherwise I end up doing all organising.

Dh is a very last minute person, I use to end up stepping in if I thought something might not happen if I didn't. Now I just leave him to it.

On Friday adult dd asked dh if he had chosen/booked where we are eating. He hadn't. She wanted to know as she is following a healthy lifestyle/exercise plan and likes to plan her meals/macros/exercise accordingly. She has lost a lot of weight, is looking and feeling great and we are trying to support her in this.

She asked if he could choose so she could plan her meal. He said he wanted to ring his parents first. A bit later she asked if he had chance to ring his parents he said no. When I got in from work (about 10pm) she said in front of dh she had asked and he hadn't done it. Dh snapped at her and said he would ring tomorrow and would text her.

I spoke to her later and she was upset he had snapped and couldn't see what she had done wrong.

I spoke to dh (on Saturday after dd had left) and he said she shouldn't have to plan her meals in advance and we shouldn't be encouraging it. I replied it's nothing to do with us and we should be supportive of her trying to be healthier. He replied he shouldn't have to do things on others terms. I said I can't understand why he would deliberately put someone else out just to get his own way. He got annoyed.

Who was unreasonable dh or dd?

It sounds like your husband is being reluctant to accept the responsibility of booking a table as I suspect he thinks it’s ’not his job’. Add to that he feels aggrieved that he is being asked to answer to someone. Plain old misogyny and probably selfishness because he’d prefer to not have the inconvenience of visitors when he could be pleasing himself.

Your daughter is being responsible for her health and isn’t asking much. It’s not disordered eating and planning is an important part of managing weight. Even if she wasn’t dieting it’s not unreasonable to ask what dinner plans are when she knows there are plans afoot.

DH is in the wrong. I hope you have a nice meal despite this quarrel.

Your husband is being very unreasonable.

If he can't support his daughter's weight loss he needs to be quiet.

If we are going out for dinner and it’s my idea, I book in advance, if it’s dh then it’s always last minute Larry. He doesn’t like making structured plans etc. hence why I take charge when eating out usually.

however the person I know who obsesses over where we eat, what food they serve and wants to plan their meals has an eating disorder so I’d be keeping a closer eye on your dd. To get that upset and fly off the handle about it tells me there is a problem.

I think your DH was a twat to not just book it earlier, but tbh, Sunday lunch… it doesn’t take much imagination for your DD to work out what might be on the menu does it?

Neither was unreasonable, but your DH was rude to snap at her and should have appologised.

He can absolutely book last minute but he has to expect that others might need to know the details (dieting, fussy, kids choices, timing, location etc). He shouldn't snap when asked for details.

Hope you have a lovely meal today.

Your husband.

I think your DH should have booked something by now, but not because of your daughter, just because things get booked up and try are a big party.

Your daughter pestering because of her food planning is a bit much thought. It is one meal, sounds like an unhealthy approach to eating.

Well I think DH has left it last minute to organise a meal for 7 but DD was being quite demanding wanting to plan her meal 48hrs in advance and pestering him to call his parents late on a Friday.

Both could have handled it better.

Being rigid also means insisting someone else changes their behaviour to suit you - which is what the DD was doing. She was grumpy and took it out on her dad because he wouldn't book a restaurant and allow her to plan her meal two days in advance.

There's a difference between being curious about the menu and letting one unknown meal ruin your mood for a whole weekend.

This is
Some people are more planners than others. All I could think reading that was if it was my family, roles would have been reversed. If my dad is in charge of booking it gets done months and months in advance, if someone else is in charge and books a fortnight before for example, he gets anxious and will asl and ask if it is done and what the arrangements are. Usually it's ME who would snap at him to leave me to do it! I'm a planner but he takes it to the extreme (wants to make sure everyone's travel routes work, restaurants can accomodate any small children, diets/allergies are catered for etc).

I think your DH is in the wrong. It isn't about your DD needing to know what she will eat. If she was going to be using public transport to get there and needed to make arrangements for what options she had (as engineering works etc could affect her options) would he have done the same? It is just stressful not knowing where a big family meal will be until 24h before!

They’re both being unreasonable to a certain extent, but your DD is most unreasonable. She doesn’t need that much notice to plan her meal. It does seem like she’s getting obsessed with this. I say that as someone who previously had an ED. Her need to know is dialled up way too high and that would worry me.

Your DH should have booked earlier though, not for knowing the food, but just because then everyone knows where they’re going, and you know you won’t be scrabbling around to find somewhere with spaces last minute.

They’re both being unreasonable. Your daughter needs to chill out a bit, and your husband needs to pull his finger out of his arse. I’m sorry you’re in the middle of this!

If doesn’t really matter what DD’s dietary issue is - it so happens that she’s overweight and seriously trying to lose - good for her; but it could have been that she was veggie, vegan, gluten free, or following a particular diet for a health condition - DH got stroppy because he’s slack and doesn’t like being called on it.

Tricky one. I like to know where we're eating, so I can look at the menu beforehand. But she shouldn't be demanding it, one meal isn't going to change much for her. There is always steak and salad. Her over reaction kind of reminds me of a a friend with an eating disorder. Sometimes in life we just go to a restaurant without pre booking, your daughter should know enough about healthy eating to be able to order from the menu.

Its not demands....its only job hes got as it sounds like it..and he cant even do that.
I wouldn't say anymore OP...let him find or not find anywhere. Its on him. I think hes just trying to get you to do it by being conveniently obstinate. Because OP daughter has requirements hes hoping you'll do it...stuff that. Let him organise for his parents..its not your job. If he vant find anywhere last minute then thats on him. Tell MIL FIL you reminded him many times..you cant lead a horse to water..hes an adult.
But dont run and save the day OP...let him experience the aftermath of letting people down

I don't think this is an over reaction...id guess at thinking OP does majority of organising everything

Yes fair point

DH is being unnecessarily difficult, he could have helped DD out by sorting this.
OTH, I don't understand DDs need to plan, especially if she doesn't mind what restaurant you go to- I mean, she knows it will be a bigger meal and probably more calorific than usual. Probably higher carb too, whatever it is. I'd imagine her plans will involve eating less beforehand, or just veggies and fruit , maybe a little protein, whether she's going to be eating pizza, curry, steak and chips or noodles..... presumably she'll choose the healthiest option from the menu , whatever that will be. She doesn't really need to know in advance, does she?
How about DD calls GP and makes suggestions for the restaurant herself?
And DH should understand that snapping at people does upset them.

Anyway, I see you have stepped back in terms of organising for DHs family, which is great, and now think about letting DH and DD sort out their differences without getting too involved yourself. If you intervene, you will be upsetting someone, rightly or wrongly. DD and DH have to negotiate coming to terms with the fact that DD is an adult.

I agree and thank you

Thank you this is basically my feeling

DD is being unreasonable. Worse case scenario is she just has a salad wherever they go. How hard is this to cope with as a one-off every now and then? World does not revolve around her.

I’m nearly 50, peri-menopausal and overweight. I’m trying to eat healthier and lose weight.

i am with your DD on this. I like to plan ahead if I’m eating out and know what kind of options are available.

I don’t like creamy sauces that some Italian restaurants near us do. I’m not keen on one restaurant as all it does is heavy meals, all fried/burgers etc.

I don’t want to eat lots of fried food, spicy or pastry as it bloats me up and makes me very uncomfortable.

my partner will never check with others or say anything if folks are planning to eat at somewhere like that as he doesn’t want to rock the boat/make a ‘fuss’. But me trying to find a few starters or something I can eat is me being fussy.

I don’t have an eating disorder etc. I just want to see what my options are if I’m going to eat at certain places. Then I can also plan if I can dress in nice fitted clothes or is it a loose top and elasticated waist event..

DH, primarily.

Absolutely ridiculous to leave it til the day before to reserve a table for 7 in a nice place.

Had he done his job properly he would have been able to say “Xxx Place” straight away.

By leaving it until the last minute he has now turned it into blame on Dd and ‘doing it on her terms’

Nasty, actually.

Had he booked on everyone’s terms, as a nice thing to do for his family, her eating patterns would never have arisen.

Having said that, DD’s reaction to her father’s incompetence also sounds OTT. She has the day itself to plan around the lunch, and tomorrow necessary.

Are you on your way to Nando’s now, OP?

I don't see why DD has to know exactly what restaurant, she can plan for a predicted meal and eat to that, if it does't work out she can correct it tomorrow. DH sounds a bit of a knob. Personally I'd think it's more of an issue that there are 7 of you going for a meal on a Sunday and no one has booked the table yet!

Quote from @TheCatterall

...Then I can also plan if I can dress in nice fitted clothes or is it a loose top and elasticated waist event.

I think this is the most important bit of attending any meal