Who's wrong dd or dh?

[Autienotnaughtie]

We are going out for a meal today, me, dh, fil, mil and our 3 dc (one of whom is a adult)

Pil are coming to our town so we are organising, I tend to leave dh to make arrangements when it's stuff for his parents as otherwise I end up doing all organising.

Dh is a very last minute person, I use to end up stepping in if I thought something might not happen if I didn't. Now I just leave him to it.

On Friday adult dd asked dh if he had chosen/booked where we are eating. He hadn't. She wanted to know as she is following a healthy lifestyle/exercise plan and likes to plan her meals/macros/exercise accordingly. She has lost a lot of weight, is looking and feeling great and we are trying to support her in this.

She asked if he could choose so she could plan her meal. He said he wanted to ring his parents first. A bit later she asked if he had chance to ring his parents he said no. When I got in from work (about 10pm) she said in front of dh she had asked and he hadn't done it. Dh snapped at her and said he would ring tomorrow and would text her.

I spoke to her later and she was upset he had snapped and couldn't see what she had done wrong.

I spoke to dh (on Saturday after dd had left) and he said she shouldn't have to plan her meals in advance and we shouldn't be encouraging it. I replied it's nothing to do with us and we should be supportive of her trying to be healthier. He replied he shouldn't have to do things on others terms. I said I can't understand why he would deliberately put someone else out just to get his own way. He got annoyed.

Who was unreasonable dh or dd?

I really don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be spontaneous. Lots of people wake up and decide to go or meals or on a day trip at the last minute - it's very normal.

Yes, but they haven’t woken up and decided last minute to go on a day trip or for a meal, have they? They decided however many days or weeks ago that OP’s in-laws were visiting on this specific day for this specific purpose. That’s the opposite of spontaneous! That’s planning! Except the OP’s husband left one pretty key point out of the plan…

I think this too. Selfish twat.

Your DH.

What if they were eating somewhere Thai, Mexican, Indian, or a tapas place or whatever. People have Sunday lunches in many kinds of restaurants!

Yes, they planned to meet up and go for a meal, but they didn't plan and book the restaurant, which shows (to me anyway) that the location clearly wasn't that important. It was more about finding a date that worked for everyone.

You can plan to see people on a certain day/at a certain time and still be spontaneous about what you do and where you go...

This^
however I should add it feels like he wanted to make a deliberate point of belittling and not supporting her efforts. It was very mean (don’t want to put stronger words)
My late dad was usually like this. You can guess how much of relationship I’ve had with him when I left home.

There’s a time and place for everything. Sometimes it’s nice to be spontaneous: you wake up, the sun is shining so you decide to drive to a country pub. This event, however, was already booked in advance as it involves other adults so everyone needs to know where they’re going.

With all due respect, you’ve spoken previously of being overweight: If you decided to lose weight for the sake of your health, would you not hope your family would supportive and understanding?

Each to their own, I guess.

I often plan to see people weeks in advance but we don't decide the actual location or activity until the day. I don't think I'm alone in that.

I think they're both being unreasonable. No idea why DH needs to leave something like that right to the last minute, but DD also doesn't need to decide what she's eating on Sunday on a Friday even if she's trying to follow a healthy eating plan. And they need to leave you out of it.

What for? They know the date, they know the plan, they know the guest list - why does the venue have to be a last minute, “spontaneous” choice?

If, as you say, the location is “clearly not that important”, why is he making such a fuss about choosing one and sharing the details with his daughter?

The key word there is we. Would you insist on not deciding until the day if one of the party wanted to decide earlier?

But she’s not trying to dictate which restaurant, she just wants to know which one.

It’s no one’s business what she does with that knowledge. How does it impact anyone?

If the DH wanted to be 'spontaneous' why didn't he just say that? He said he'd call his parents and then book, but he didn't and then snapped at his daughter when she pointed that out.

I don't believe he wanted to be spontaneous, I believe he was delaying on purpose because he thinks DD's attitude to food is unhealthy (which I don't agree with)

I think he was just disorganised and procrastinating.

She's obsessive. He's lazy.

I would go with what the majority wanted to do.

Actually your DD was very rude to complain about him to you - in front of him - which is what then caused him to snap at her.

I think the reasons are pretty valid given the context.

If she had specific dietary requirements due to medication or an allergy, that would be one thing, but talking about planning your macros and exercise around one meal out of an entire weekend doesn't seem very healthy to me.

Her dad could just be being a dick, but I don't think her behaviour is okay either.

I struggle to be objective on this as I’m exactly the same as dh
always a last minute planner and get by just fine

She’s not fixated on one meal, she just wants to know what she’s going to eat!

Funny how people here think it’s ok for a man to not book in advance, yet when an OP recently didn’t book bowling for a birthday she was castigated for not planning in advance.

Sexism is still alive.

It’s bordering on obsession to have to plan meals days in advance.

He replied he shouldn't have to do things on others terms.

he ought to live as a hermit in that case. What an antisocial and selfish attitude!!

I think you must be replying to someone else, I didn't say she was asking for a specific restaurant. Neither is it much to ask for her to wait until he's booked it, so that can be said both ways. Neither have I attacked her, I simply stated that type of behaviour can be an indication of ED. She can learn to wait, that's just part of life.