Who's wrong dd or dh?

[Autienotnaughtie]

We are going out for a meal today, me, dh, fil, mil and our 3 dc (one of whom is a adult)

Pil are coming to our town so we are organising, I tend to leave dh to make arrangements when it's stuff for his parents as otherwise I end up doing all organising.

Dh is a very last minute person, I use to end up stepping in if I thought something might not happen if I didn't. Now I just leave him to it.

On Friday adult dd asked dh if he had chosen/booked where we are eating. He hadn't. She wanted to know as she is following a healthy lifestyle/exercise plan and likes to plan her meals/macros/exercise accordingly. She has lost a lot of weight, is looking and feeling great and we are trying to support her in this.

She asked if he could choose so she could plan her meal. He said he wanted to ring his parents first. A bit later she asked if he had chance to ring his parents he said no. When I got in from work (about 10pm) she said in front of dh she had asked and he hadn't done it. Dh snapped at her and said he would ring tomorrow and would text her.

I spoke to her later and she was upset he had snapped and couldn't see what she had done wrong.

I spoke to dh (on Saturday after dd had left) and he said she shouldn't have to plan her meals in advance and we shouldn't be encouraging it. I replied it's nothing to do with us and we should be supportive of her trying to be healthier. He replied he shouldn't have to do things on others terms. I said I can't understand why he would deliberately put someone else out just to get his own way. He got annoyed.

Who was unreasonable dh or dd?

I'm calorie counting. I'm 5'2" so anything over 11/1200 a day is maintaince. I went out for a family birthday last week. I checked the menu in advance, the least calorific meal was 900, that leaves me 200 for the whole day. Which cuts out a birthday toast. So I count my calories over the week and have 50/100 less to accommodate. We've got Easter next week, so that needs addressing. Those who lose weight easily won't get it, but some of us have to be really careful until we get good metabolic rate/muscle memory going. Those of us who are overweight are supposed to drop weight, but are called obsessed and told to have a day off, which means we stay the same. Between, birthdays, Easter, Christmas, bank Holidays, family meet ups, trying to count in a coffee out (100/150 + calories) etc, cheat meals can't happen.

They're two different situations!

If this was the DD's birthday meal then absolutely she should be deciding where they go and ask that it's booked in advance. But as it's not, you can't compare it to the bowling situation.

It has nothing to do with anyone's sex.

DD isn’t asking to decide where they go, she just wants to know where.

I do think the people excusing this man for failing to book is sexist.

DH is being unreasonable. All those saying DD is being unreasonable have clearly never been on a diet.

Even going to Weight Watchers or Slimming World takes planning. And the emphasis on either of these diets IS the planning.

As someone who is trying to lose weight I'd want to know what I'm going to be eating so I can plan my food for the week.

DH should be supporting your daughter to lose weight and stay healthy.

No, I did mean to reply to you. You said ’I don't think he should have to do anything according to her demands.’ She hasn’t demanded anything, the meal is today, she just wanted to know a couple days in advance where they’re going! That is not too much to ask, sad that you think children should just shut up and put up.

I would say the same if it was a woman who hadn't booked the restaurant.

DD is an adult, she can cope with not planning every single meal in advance. It's really not something she needs to have a strop over.

Her dad could just be being a dick, but I don't think her behaviour is okay either.

But what has she actually done wrong? If she had tried to insist on a certain venue to suit her diet and no one else wanted to go there, that would be different. But she hasn’t even asked to be involved in the choice of venue. She simply wants to know where it is. Why does it need to be a secret?

Yet more sexism from you.

It’s DH who had the strop because OP said ‘DH snapped at her’ and that ‘He got annoyed’ and said that ‘he shouldn't have to do things on others terms.’, yet you’ve twisted that into DD having a strop.

She didn’t nag him, she asked him twice (on different days). And she is allowed to talk to her mum when she’s upset.

I can’t imagine you have healthy relationships with people if this is your attitude to a very reasonable request from OP’s dd.

I mean, at least I've managed to have a conversation without making personal comments about other people.

What she did wrong was to complain about her dad - right in front of him - which is what caused him to snap at her.

How would you like it if someone was talking about you negatively to someone else, right in front of your face?

Whether she was justified in wanting to know where they were going to eat is irrelevant, her behaviour was bloody rude.

Do you feel better after being so unpleasant towards me?

Thank you!

Do you feel better after being so unpleasant about a young woman?

Except you did, baseless comments about OP’s poor dd, who has done nothing wrong.

I don't agree that she's done nothing wrong. I think her behaviour and attitude towards her dad was rude and unkind.

However, I never made personal comments about her relationships with other people like you did though. Totally unnecessary and unpleasant.

How? Lots of people meal plan and make meals in advance without it being bordering obsessive. Some do so for time, budget, less waste, etc.

When it comes to a restaurant, I like to know where I’m going and look at the menu beforehand, look at pictures, read reviews, etc. There some places I’m not particularly keen on like steakhouses but can usually find something. I rather know than get there and realise there is little I want to eat. If there is, I can make sure to have something beforehand and get an appetiser with a side or two and maybe dessert.

What was unnecessary and unpleasant was you saying dd is a ‘stroppy child’. No one has called you names. It’s hypocritical of you to have one rule for yourself and another for OP’s dd.

I didn't call her a stroppy child. I said she didn't need to have a strop.

You did say ‘stroppy child’ but have asked for the post to be deleted.

She’s not having a strop - she’s simply trying to protect and support a programme she has spent a lot of time and energy on. She clearly takes it seriously and is really determined to succeed. Good for her.

Ha! “I didn’t say anything wrong, but I’m going to make sure none of you can see it”. 🙄🙄🙄

The poor girl can’t win. She shouldn’t be saying it in front of her father according to you, then you have @lifebeginsaftercoffee saying she shouldn’t be talking to her mother about it when he’s NOT there! Is she supposed to just shut up like a good little girl? Be seen and not heard?

I spoke to her later and she was upset he had snapped and couldn't see what she had done wrong.

Like her dad then?

Seems a bit of contest of wills there.

She's pushing her dad to book asap & that seems to make him even more reluctant!

Was it likely to be a Sunday lunch that everyone had?

In which case there doesn't seem to be quite as much urgency perhaps?