Who's wrong dd or dh?

[Autienotnaughtie]

We are going out for a meal today, me, dh, fil, mil and our 3 dc (one of whom is a adult)

Pil are coming to our town so we are organising, I tend to leave dh to make arrangements when it's stuff for his parents as otherwise I end up doing all organising.

Dh is a very last minute person, I use to end up stepping in if I thought something might not happen if I didn't. Now I just leave him to it.

On Friday adult dd asked dh if he had chosen/booked where we are eating. He hadn't. She wanted to know as she is following a healthy lifestyle/exercise plan and likes to plan her meals/macros/exercise accordingly. She has lost a lot of weight, is looking and feeling great and we are trying to support her in this.

She asked if he could choose so she could plan her meal. He said he wanted to ring his parents first. A bit later she asked if he had chance to ring his parents he said no. When I got in from work (about 10pm) she said in front of dh she had asked and he hadn't done it. Dh snapped at her and said he would ring tomorrow and would text her.

I spoke to her later and she was upset he had snapped and couldn't see what she had done wrong.

I spoke to dh (on Saturday after dd had left) and he said she shouldn't have to plan her meals in advance and we shouldn't be encouraging it. I replied it's nothing to do with us and we should be supportive of her trying to be healthier. He replied he shouldn't have to do things on others terms. I said I can't understand why he would deliberately put someone else out just to get his own way. He got annoyed.

Who was unreasonable dh or dd?

He forgot, didn’t want to own up, felt stupid and snapped because of it. Of course he should support his daughter.

Oh stop being disingenuous.

How would you like it if someone was talking about you negatively / complaining about you to someone else, right in front of your face? Do you think that’s acceptable behaviour?

I personally think it’s bloody rude.

He’s a grown man, isn’t he? I’m sure he’s capable of arguing back.

I do out of interest but not because I have no strategically plan days in advance and expect others to accommodate that. It’s to much.

I don’t expect people to accommodate but I do expect if we’re going out on a day that is usually busy with people and we are a larger party to have a restaurant in mind and be booked.

OP’s DH had plenty of time to do it and knew he was supposed to but chooses to wait til the last min for seemingly no reason other than stubbornness.

Yeah I agree but DH was responsible for that so I suppose he’ll do it however he sees fit. I would find it a bit annoying as well.

As long as DH picks a place considering food preferences - vegetarian, low carb/high protein etc, and shares it in time for everyone to make their travel plans, it's good enough in my view.

Very surprised to hear all these replies about checking out menu days in advance to plan what they will order. Never seen this happen in IRL.

DD seems to have an unhealthy relationship with food.

Weight loss can trigger an ED op my dd has anorexia and your dds behaviour is classic for someone who has tipped into ED territory.

Being obsessed about food to the extent it causes this anxiety is not healthy or normal imo.

"6+3 = 9 so does 5+4.
The way you do things isn't always the only way to do them"

This thread seems to be full of people who plan for things well in advance. However, that doesn't make DH lazy or selfish or an arsehole (using words he's been called here). It's not like he left things too late and left people stranded on the road with no dinner. He booked the table a day in advance - maybe he had some options in mind and knew he could get a table if he booked the day before?

I have never seen people in real life who are this obsessed about restaurant booking. lol.

Both really, dh was being lazy and obviously put under pressure but your daughter bringing it up in front of you with him there- it wa a bit like trying to get him into trouble/ make you make him do it which puts more pressure on too!

It’s not like dd was chasing him to book weeks in advance. Asking for the venue on a Friday is not ‘pushing her dad to book it asap’.

But we know that OP says he practices ‘deliberate incompetence’. So it’s highly unlikely the late booking was him assessing options.

Remember that this is a man who OP says practices ‘deliberate incompetence’. And that OP has also agreed that he has a massively disorganised and awkward nature.

Do you not think his dd also sees his behaviour? OP had to nag him in the past and that’s what dd learned, that dad needs to be nagged to do anything.

But if he knew he’d still be able to get a table by Saturday, surely it would be even easier to sort it on Friday? It’s highly unlikely that more tables would suddenly become available on Saturday.

Personally I'd probably be slightly annoyed at an adult DC pestering me about something I'd said I would deal with. But then I'm a last minute person for things like this too 😁

Planning her weekend around eating one meal is not healthy or normal, op.
You know this, surely?

It’s not normal or healthy to be overweight. She’s trying to get out of this. This is only a short term programme not a long term life choice.

If she continues with the focus even after the diet has stopped she may have a problem but plenty of people go on diets and resume regular eating habits afterwards.

It’s perfectly normal. I low carb, I always need to know there are plenty of vegetables on offer at a restaurant, so I do check the menu in advance. If the menu isn’t low carb friendly then I make alternative arrangements.

It really isn’t any different to having a light lunch because you’re going out to dinner that evening, or snacking on fruit instead of chocolate so that you can have a pudding with your meal.

The OP’s daughter wanted a treat, and wanted to know how much of a treat it would/could be. Wouldn’t it have been easier to assume a large treat, plan her other meals around that and then adjust those meals once she knew what was available?

if I was going out for lunch I’d assume I’d be too full for an evening meal. If it turned out that lunch was small then I’d maybe have something small in the evening.

Most chains do have online menus. Some restaurants don’t, or they just have a sample menu. I don’t think it would’ve been too hard for the DD to assume a worst case menu scenario in terms of deciding on what else to eat & how much exercise to do over the rest of the weekend. If it turned out that what she ate was less harmful to her regime that wouldn’t be a disaster.

That's not how calorie counting works

Very surprised to hear all these replies about checking out menu days in advance to plan what they will order. Never seen this happen in IRL.

You not seeing it doesn’t mean others you know don’t do it. My DH and I don’t talk about it to others. If someone invites us to a meal, they usually tell us where they have in mind or give choices and vice versa. His family tends to book things in advance because we are usually a large group when sharing meals, his parents, our family, and his sister’s family would be at least 10 people. When it’s just us, we have our places we like to eat and some of them have seasonal menus or change every week or two weeks depending on what is available locally so we have to check the menu beforehand.

I ALWAYS read the menu before going somewhere. Pretty normal I reckon.

Agree this is how my daughter’s orthorexia started . Now fully recovered ish !

Your DH is a dick. There is nothing wrong with what your daughter is doing, she should be proud of herself.

She didn’t speak out of turn your DH sounds lazy and inconsiderate