Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need urgent advice , how to tell dcs that exh has died

209 replies

SpinningCat2 · 23/03/2024 15:42

Hi

I've just been informed that exh has died. Very suddenly, dcs not had contact for quite a few years , dcs are 25,23,22,19.

Dc25 is at work untill 10pm , do I tell other 3dcs with out eldest dc,

Worried it will come out on sm (sadly exh family have form for this)

What do I do, dear god Jjust how do I tell them

OP posts:
Pleasegodgotosleep · 23/03/2024 15:45

Contact your eldest work, explain its an emergency and tell them now. DO NOT let them find out on SM

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 23/03/2024 15:45

“Not had contact for quite a few years”

It’s possible that you care a great deal more than they will

Rosiiee · 23/03/2024 15:46

Ideally you’d tell them all together but if you’re worried it’ll pop up on social media maybe tell your youngest kids and save it for the oldest tonight?

Not the same but when both my grandparents died, my younger sister was always told first because she was around and I wasn’t. It didn’t bother me that she knew before I did but it might be different when it’s a parent.

TayIorShift · 23/03/2024 15:47

Ask DC25 to come home from work and tell them all together.

Novemberweather99 · 23/03/2024 15:47

So sorry for the loss, what an awful shock. With the eldest DC being at work I'd probably wait to tell them all together later on but with the risk of the younger three finding out via sm I think in this instance I'd tell them ASAP and the older one when they return. I know that seems unfair that they get to know before their sibling but it's much more preferable than them seeing it online.

Dearover · 23/03/2024 15:48

Assuming it's their father, this is exactly the sort of situation where you contact them at work.

Novemberweather99 · 23/03/2024 15:48

Or can you ask your eldest to return earlier if possible?

DanielGault · 23/03/2024 15:48

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 23/03/2024 15:45

“Not had contact for quite a few years”

It’s possible that you care a great deal more than they will

I would disagree tbh. I was NC with my father but was totally blindsided when he died.

AndrewPreview · 23/03/2024 15:50

Call their work.

the sooner the better in this situation I'm afraid.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 23/03/2024 15:50

They do need to be told before it appears on SM
I had to do similar recently but it was their Granny
Ring DS and if possible ask him to leave early?
Wait and tell them all together
If he hasn't had contact for some time, it may not upset them too much at the moment but obviously they still need to know first

madeinmanc · 23/03/2024 15:51

Go and collect the eldest, drive home and tell them all together.

It doesn't matter that they've been no contact, it will be a blow no matter what.

TheNewDeer · 23/03/2024 15:51

you drive to your eldest workplace.
You call.
You say they need to leave due to a family emergency.
When they come out you say nothing to do with siblings or you, but will explain when home

TheNewDeer · 23/03/2024 15:52

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 23/03/2024 15:45

“Not had contact for quite a few years”

It’s possible that you care a great deal more than they will

very very very unlikely

TheNewDeer · 23/03/2024 15:53

no doubt some of not all will have expected for the relationship to reinstate at one point vaguely in the future

dad was in the background but not forever kind of thing

DoIdriveaVauxhallZafira · 23/03/2024 15:53

I agree about contacting your eldest at work.

Awful for them all, I'm very sorry x

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 23/03/2024 15:54

Get your oldest home from work and tell them all together - in person.

I am so sorry Flowers

SuncreamAndIceCream · 23/03/2024 15:57

Also agree that this is one situation that justifies calling your DC and having them come home early.

I'm sorry to hear this though. They may or may not be bothered, but I think they would appreciate all of them being together to process the news.

EvesamtsirhC · 23/03/2024 15:58

Very similar circumstances for me. My mum called me when i was at work. Although she actually called my husband's work first so that he could come and get me.

fromtheshires · 23/03/2024 16:00

Death of immediate family is call work, get home and spend time processing with family. Work comes second when you need to support family, especially younger siblings

mitogoshi · 23/03/2024 16:02

Perfectly ok to call eldest at work, either ask them to come home or if not possible eg they are the only one on duty, or they may not want to miss a shift, you and other dc drive to their work and you tell them together, before they can find out another way. Most employers won't have an issue with them leaving but I do understand sometimes it's impossible without closing and letting lots of people down, all depends on their work type

FMWD91 · 23/03/2024 16:03

How awful! Sending so much love to you all at this devastating time

I disagree with those saying it won't matter as much due to NC. Coming from somebody who had NC for a few years with my father and losing him in my early 20s, I can honestly say the heartbreak was next level..

I would try to get your eldest home to tell them all together, they might need each other.

I'm so sorry your children are going to have to go through this. This must also be awful for you, too. Regardless of how your relationship was with him, this is still the father to your children.

I'm so sorry.

DanielGault · 23/03/2024 16:06

FMWD91 · 23/03/2024 16:03

How awful! Sending so much love to you all at this devastating time

I disagree with those saying it won't matter as much due to NC. Coming from somebody who had NC for a few years with my father and losing him in my early 20s, I can honestly say the heartbreak was next level..

I would try to get your eldest home to tell them all together, they might need each other.

I'm so sorry your children are going to have to go through this. This must also be awful for you, too. Regardless of how your relationship was with him, this is still the father to your children.

I'm so sorry.

This. It's an awful time. Very hard for all involved, for all sorts of reasons.

rwalker · 23/03/2024 16:08

I’d worry over the social media tell 3 together and go and get oldest from work and tell them then bring them home if they want

you can’t pick up eldest and not tell them without panicking them

MultiplaLight · 23/03/2024 16:10

How awful.

Get the older one back if you can somehow, then tell them together.

Or tell three and then go and see the older one at work.

Maddy70 · 23/03/2024 16:14

Call his manager at work and tell them you need to collect him as you have some very devastating news to give him.

Dont let him drive home

He will be emotional no matter what the circumstances

Tell them altogether