Need urgent advice , how to tell dcs that exh has died

[SpinningCat2]

Hi

I've just been informed that exh has died. Very suddenly, dcs not had contact for quite a few years , dcs are 25,23,22,19.

Dc25 is at work untill 10pm , do I tell other 3dcs with out eldest dc,

Worried it will come out on sm (sadly exh family have form for this)

What do I do, dear god Jjust how do I tell them

Well done Spin, take care x

Let alone needing to cope with your DC's needs and unexpected grief. There will be a lot of complex feelings swirling around. Especially as regards to the funeral.

Call to your eldest’s work - has to come home for family emergency

Then tell them all together.

My dad died when I was 20.

I’m sorry for your loss and all you’re going through x

Sorry, cross post - well done you.

If it's any help, when their grandad died unexpectedly I told all my children separately. Only one was at home, the other two were at university so I rang eldest first, couldn't get hold of the middle one so came home and told the youngest and then told the middle one when they rang me. We didn't have to worry about social media though.

I would ring the eldest's work place and ask them to send him home. Make up something so as to not worry them. Especially if they have to drive back.

Call an actual bereavement helpline and ask their advice.

I don't agree with that. I've had friends who have been NC with parents who have found their deaths very difficult. They have to grieve the relationship they didn't have and have lost the opportunity to work it out. It's not as straight forward as you're suggesting

Sorry I didn't refresh. I see you have told them all. I hope you are all okay.

wtf @TheFancyPoet

Don’t be so fucking rude to someone obviously in distress. Read the full thread before commenting as well . She’s told her kids. & most likely in a more empathetic and sensitive way than your stupid comment.

Really?

@TheFancyPoet

Wow....just no words

Message them all simultaneously (FB or whatsapp)
with
"sad news, will call all of you shortly, be sitting down"

they will guess and then you can all cry together
and you will

Well done Op, horrible time for you all. Best wishes x

I had fallen out with both my parents and hadn't spoken to them for 18 months when my mother called to say my father had died. I was in my 20’s it was an awful shock and I still get upset thinking about it being NC made zero difference as I still loved him 😥

That’s a very naive notion @BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted

If they’ve had no contact for years why the rush. Sorry if this sounds harsh I don’t mean to be.
Tell them in person, not over the phone but I wouldn’t be phoning work and leaving scarey messages for them to contact me.

I would collect DC from work or phone work to say their is an emergency and they need to come home.

tell them all at once if you can.

I was in a similar situation in my early 20's. NC with my Dad for a year, on NYE I received a phone call from social services, he's been dead 3 months and had already been buried.
Still to this day I feel nothing. It was a difficult relationship and when he died I grieved the relationship I never had with him, but also felt a sense or relief. Death brings about so many emotions, I hope your children are all OK.

Exactly what I would do

Bit more advice if I may you (mostly) lovley people.

Our divorce was very difficult for a lot of complicated reasons, I have v never met his wife, or know where he lives .

I would like to send his wife a card / message as she must be in utter and total shock , she expected to have the next 20 years with him 😔

Would it be a good idea to send something via a third party ??

ABSO bloodly lutely

she may rip it up
but she needs to know you care an iota bout him as well

same from your kids each in their own way and own time

Yes, I think you can do that. In her shoes I would appreciate it.

If someone called me and said they needed me to come home now without any context etc I'd be in a blind panic with brain working overtime.
They do need to be told before SM blows up with it, but I don't believe they all need to be told at the same time..