Need urgent advice , how to tell dcs that exh has died

[SpinningCat2]

Hi

I've just been informed that exh has died. Very suddenly, dcs not had contact for quite a few years , dcs are 25,23,22,19.

Dc25 is at work untill 10pm , do I tell other 3dcs with out eldest dc,

Worried it will come out on sm (sadly exh family have form for this)

What do I do, dear god Jjust how do I tell them

Just click the other one

OP I am so sorry that he did that to your DC. That must have hurt you too because we feel things for them as well as ourselves.
What kind of man distances himself from his 3 children? I really thought that when people say they're NC or LC with a parent it's their own idea. As a parent I can't imagine doing that.
You sound like a wonderful person and he was not. I hope you're getting some sleep and your DC get some closure when all this is "over" for want of a better word.

I'm not turning this into an ex bashing , it' is / was a very complicated situation, so not as cut and dried as it might seem.

I think the grief is that the faintest , faintest possibility of us talking and me ,and maybe him, getting answers to some of the "complexity" is gone , I'll never get those answers now , and there is no one else to ask. A door that hasn't been opened in years is now locked forever.

He has held an impression of me ,for years and years, that is totally false , and not a good impression. It saddens me that he died thinking that , and in some ways , it harmed him almost more

I'll never be able to free him from that

Yes. It's hard to accept that you won't ever get closure. I had similar feelings when my mum died. We didn't have the best of relationships, but when she died, it hit me that I'd never get the answers to the questions I still had. I'd never get to hear her say she understood how I felt. I'd never get the apology I thought I deserved. I'd never get to explain my side of things. It's all left unresolved.

But that will get easier for you. I promise. You just eventually accept it because there is nothing else you can do about it. Your children will feel it too. So many questions that there never will be answers for.

So very sorry for you and you DCs loss. It is complicated by the NC, and this will be tough for you all.

Keep Cruse the bereavement counselling charity in your minds as they are amazing with complicated grief. Give them a call in a few months and they will help you to see it is not your fault, and it is okay to be sad/devastated, or happy he is gone

Thanks for the advice on the charity.

In some ways it a strange sort of relief that the "fear" that he would do something to upset the dcs has gone for good , but the flip side is also any chance , however small that the dcs might be able to , not exactly reconcile, but to forge a relationship that is beneficial to them is also gone

My dad had just died and I was NC for 20 years, it was still upsetting (I was angry at him more than anything) I didn't cry but it brought a lot of things back for me so they will need some support, hope they are OK

I’d agree with this. DD hasn’t had contact for approx 10 years and has told me openly that she’d be indifferent re: her dad’s death.

I'm sure that's what most NC children think but as you can see from numerous posts on this thread, it isn't always the case when it actually happens.

The door analogy is so accurate. And tbh, ime that's what causes the most damage. It ambushes you. It doesn't last forever, but it certainly can be very difficult for a time. I definitely always had in the back of my mind the potential of speaking to my father again. I was really blindsided when that was taken away.

I'm sure someone must have said but you don't need to be invited to go to a funeral

We had one last year where the sibling of the deceased wasn't told when it was as the partner of the person who died didn't want them there. They found out and turned up.

@SpinningCat2 - I think your grief, shock and conflicting feelings are very natural. It would also be natural for your DCs to attend the funeral if they wished. He was their father even if he got a great deal wrong. I think it’s fair enough to ask the 3rd party to facilitate communications on that including also your condolences to his current wife.

Doesn't look like we are going to be told about the funeral , I just don't know what to do , he would have wanted his kids there 😞

Oh that is really hard.

Won't the person who told you about his death tell you about the funeral?

Ring local funeral directors to ask when it is?

My exh sister rang my sil ,my sil.told me about exh death.

I have asked my sil to ask exh sister for address so I can send card to widow , asked on sat , no response yet .....

Exh sister was instrumental in my exh (who has benn in a vulnerable mental state for many years,) losing contact with his kids.

I strongly suspect that exh sister has asked other family members to block us.

I just don't understand why exh sister told us he had died but then not tell us when the funeral is ???

Maybe I'm jumping the gun but family member we could contact was happy to pass on funeral information as and when they knew it , then hours later we are blocked .

I am assuming you're in Britain? In Ireland we have a thing called rip.ie where you can look up the name area and approximate date to find the funeral details. Is there anything like that where you are?

I am in the UK , can't seem to find anything like that here.

Oh, that's a pity. It's very useful tbh. In that case, the best I can think of is the local papers, but I don't even know if people bother with that anymore. Or I suppose, a bit of social media stalking.

Blocked on any useful FB accounts sadly

But thanks

Ugh. There must be some way. Any sports clubs or anything he would have been involved with? Something like that?

Is this not the equivalent of rip.ie ?

https://funeral-notices.co.uk/national/all-announcements?keyword_search=&search_from_date=22/03/2024&search_to_date=25/03/2024

I don't see what's wrong with texting or even texting the person who has contact with your ex SIL saying:

"X's children wish to attend his funeral, Ii would be grateful if you could sent on the details when you can, or perhaps one of the adult children would get a better response"