Need urgent advice , how to tell dcs that exh has died

[SpinningCat2]

Hi

I've just been informed that exh has died. Very suddenly, dcs not had contact for quite a few years , dcs are 25,23,22,19.

Dc25 is at work untill 10pm , do I tell other 3dcs with out eldest dc,

Worried it will come out on sm (sadly exh family have form for this)

What do I do, dear god Jjust how do I tell them

Keep trying your DD, have you tried through SM to contact her?

If not call her BF and get him to pass the phone over.

If the other three are there looking at you expectantly and you're visibly upset then I think you have to tell them.

I had this situation a few years ago
Despite him not being in their life ( he preferred alcohol) which eventually killed him before the age of 40

They did not care at all but were glad to know and went through a " sad for what could have been but now never will "
they were all young teens and had

Just be honest and let them know it's ok to care or not care and you there for them if they want to talk

I was in a very similar position, I did breakdown (once) when I was told my mother had died. The complexity comes not from natural grief, but the ultimate loss of a relationship that could never be fixed or even resemble normal or loving. It’s a grief of not having the love and care you deserved from a parent and it’s possibly one @SpinningCat2 children may feel as well given the circumstances.

Op, my (now ex) partner gave me the news, it’s not something I’m personally resentful of. I had someone there who was sympathetic and understood my complicated feelings about it. If you think your daughter’s fiancé is someone like that, I’m sure he would be the best support for your daughter in this moment.

You tell the ones that are in front of you.

the one you can’t reach, you leave her a message and tell her she needs to come home or call you, whichever fits your life circumstances, immediately. Yes, she will know something is wrong, but that is ok.

I think you have to tell the three who are with you now. If you wait, a friend of one of them might see it on SM and call or message with condolences.

You think an ex partner will care a great deal more than the deceased's children? I think you've got that upside down.

@TheNewDeer agree with this

This. Do not let them find out from SM. That would be horrific for them. Ring your eldest in his workplace and ask him to come home now.

Tell the DC's that are with you now. Ring Your DD's boyfriend and tell him. I was out shopping when someone rang me to tell me my DB had died, it was horrendous. I wish I had been in the privacy of my own home. Don't let them find out from SM

The complexity comes not from natural grief, but the ultimate loss of a relationship that could never be fixed or even resemble normal or loving. It’s a grief of not having the love and care you deserved from a parent and it’s possibly one @SpinningCat2children may feel as well given the circumstances

Yes

Yes, tell 3 at home now before they go on SM and spot it or someone rings them to commiserate. Ring your DD 23 and ask her to come home now.

I'd try her fiance and her once more but if no luck then tell the other 3. Would she answer if they called?

Hi 3dcs here told , 1 upset , 2 not so much,

Dc23 on her way home now , doesn't know yet

I'm trying to get exh family to not post on sm but don't know yet , they won't talk to me so it's all going through a third party

Thank you all for all the advice

I think dc23 will be the upset , she was actually just In touch with him really recently 😔

Often times the death of any absent parent can really hit hard.

It's a final line that confirms that the relationship can never be repaired.

It cam be relied for some but dramatic for others and there is no right way. Watch them over the next while, grief is weird & often delayed.

Well done OP

I hope your DC are okay OP.

My M died in my 20s and we had a complex relationship of NC, to LC, etc. It was made worse when she died because I knew I’d never get answers for why she behaved the way she did. Or accountability.

Ten years on I’m having therapy for it.

Your DC will need support regardless and they will still feel grief for the loss of the parent they never really had🌹

You are doing so well OP, what a thoughtful and caring mother you are. Hopefully you were able to tell DC3 yourself.

Also, whatever their initial reactions, this will all take a while to sink in.

All dc told now , dc23 really upset , thank you all vipers , I knew you would help

Well done OP. Be kind to yourself as well, this may affect you in ways you're not expecting.

Good luck. I am glad they all now know. I hope they can be involved in the funeral/burial arrangements and service in some way even though they had little contact as he was the father of the 4 of them.

Look after yourself too, it might hit you more than you expect.