Need urgent advice , how to tell dcs that exh has died

[SpinningCat2]

Hi

I've just been informed that exh has died. Very suddenly, dcs not had contact for quite a few years , dcs are 25,23,22,19.

Dc25 is at work untill 10pm , do I tell other 3dcs with out eldest dc,

Worried it will come out on sm (sadly exh family have form for this)

What do I do, dear god Jjust how do I tell them

@FMWD91
Thank you for your post , you have been very kind

It's very normal. They're not grieving the loss of a loved one (though they still are in a way. Love is complicated). They're grieving for a relationship that wasn't what it was supposed to be.

When a funeral is arranged and advertised, you will be able to find our who the funeral director is - they can pass a card from you on to her. I think it's a nice thing to do - obviously keep it supportive and nothing in it that could be perceived as animosity or a dig. Xxx

People are complicated, and their feelings about complicated relationships are complicated too x

@Grimchmas where he died is a long way from where we live, how would I go about finding out that into ? Would a funeral director tell me / the kids ?

It may be that the funeral is held elsewhere where eg his old home town (which is actually a very large city so no idea of funeral directors)

Is a funeral ",public knowledge"??

god. Sorry but what an arsehole.

@Sdhell666

It's rather complicated but even so the children were / are terribly upset by the loss of the parent / child relationship that could have been , so sad for them , and also him.

@SpinningCat2 There may or may not be a funeral. You'll need his side of the family to tell you and invite you.

If there is no funeral (or if they don't tell you the details), do something with your DC instead to mark his passing. It could be as simple as a meal out together to talk about their memories.

Marking a death is an important part of the human grieving ritual. You may find the ones who weren't upset at all start to show signs of upset after doing something together.

Grief is unpredictable. All of you may feel different things at different times.

Be kind to yourself, OP. Grief is complicated, messy and painful. All of your feelings are valid.

Honestly OP this is lovely of you and I think that would be a lovely thing for you to do. I’m very sorry for your children’s loss and for him missing out on a relationship with them.

Yes, funerals are often (usually, i think) public knowledge. Often funerals are advertised in local newspapers - you could keep an eye on obituaries pages of the online version of the papers in his local area over the next week or so. You could also ask the person who told you to let you know if they find out details of his funeral.

You could also Google his full name with the words obituary, notice, or funeral - obviously you may need to repeat that search every day or two depending on when things are organised and posted. It sounds like his family might well post it to Facebook too.

If you get details of the funeral but not who the funeral directors are, the crematorium or venue may let you know who the funeral directors are if you ask them.

I don't think funeral directors would mind in the least either if you were to email those who you can Google are in his area and ask them to let you know if they are asked to handle his funeral, as you would like to send condolences to his wife via them. Funeral directors are very used to dealing with complicated and sensitive situations - one you have found out who is dealing with his funeral, you might also have a chat with them, explain the situation amd ask their advice.

,@alrightjackie

I truly hope they are invited but, if I'm honest, I'm not sure they will be

The narrative his side of the family has of myself and the children is useful for them, though not my children.

It would have been easy to contact myself but a third party is having to act as a go-between.

It is not a dynamic I am familiar with, my own family , would and have , set aside deep issues in the blink of an eye when "big" stuff happened. But each family is different, we all have our strengths and our weaknesses.

Idk about UK, but in Ireland there's a website with funeral details, so it can be quite public. You'd only have to Google the name.

Thank you all for all your posts , so many hands in the darkness

Sorry you’re going through this OP, seeing your children grieve is awful. My ex died two years ago and telling my children (7&9) at the time was just so hard. His family told me initially but then went quiet so I phoned coroners office to ask for eldest to see him…they asked who I was in relation and said they’d get back to me. My son never got to see him, not sure if family stopped it. I rang a few funeral directors but got nowhere. It’s worth a try though. Luckily my son got to go to his funeral (I went with him).
As a mum it’s so hard to help them deal with this absolute sadness. You just want to take it away from them. Thinking of you x

Would it even be appropriate for the kids to attend if they aren't invited??

I do not think it would be beneficial for me to attend.

Whereas I had been NC with my father for decades and didn't care two hoots when my sister told me he'd died.

So they're mourning what never happened, not the actual person he showed himself to be - he opted not to be a father to them.

Funerals are for the living. They are to help us start to process the death.

Would attending cause upset to his wife and other family?

Would attending help any of you?

The answer is probably going to be having your own little remembrance activity as a little unit, you and your DCs.

Amazing how different it can be. I always thought I'd have the opportunity to tell him what I thought of him (or something like that) and then I felt robbed of that.

This is so true. I hated my father but mourned the loss of the father I should have had. And it stays with me still in a way, when I see the way my husband is with my daughter. (Sorry for the trauma dump!)

Ain't that the truth! I had the satisfaction of telling my loser father exactly what I thought of him when he tried to get my mother - from whom he'd been divorced longer than they were married - to help him "get to know me better". I wrote reminding him he'd had that opportunity when I was a child, but was never interested, and had left it thirty years too late, oh and btw did his current wife know he was writing these letters?

No need to apologise!

I didn't hate my father, but I sure as hell despised him. On top of everything else, he was probably a nonce.

Ah, the letters! After I had gone NC with mine, he only went and wrote to my office. It was a big enough office, and I had to endure the mortification of a colleague opening a letter from him basically explaining how great he was and how I should contact him. I was mortified, as was poor unsuspecting colleague. Excuse my language, but he was such an utter cunt.

I’m so sorry she went through that. I didn’t have anything so awful but the one thing I did have was a great mum and it’s amazing how much that makes up for a shitty parent.

Funeral details depend entirely on the planner. It is possible to hold a private, invitation only funeral, especially if you don’t hold it in a church.

most of the time you can find the funeral details online if you have the person’s name and have a rough idea of where it might be held.