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AIBU?

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Original poster

Need urgent advice , how to tell dcs that exh has died

209 replies

SpinningCat2 · 23/03/2024 15:42

Hi

I've just been informed that exh has died. Very suddenly, dcs not had contact for quite a few years , dcs are 25,23,22,19.

Dc25 is at work untill 10pm , do I tell other 3dcs with out eldest dc,

Worried it will come out on sm (sadly exh family have form for this)

What do I do, dear god Jjust how do I tell them

OP posts:
DanielGault · 23/03/2024 16:20

I was away when I got the call that my father was on his last legs and I had to go home if I wanted to see him. We had to evacuate quick smart, and brought our not even one year old in to see him. He wasn't conscious by then I don't think, but at least I can say she 'met' him. Sorry to impose on your thread OP, the memories are just flooding back.

AllThePotatoesAreSinging · 23/03/2024 16:25

DanielGault · 23/03/2024 15:48

I would disagree tbh. I was NC with my father but was totally blindsided when he died.

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Agree. I haven’t known my father really and it’s only the last couple of years we’ve had occasional email contact. I would like to think his family will tell me but I’ll probably find out via social media, and I think I’ll be sad.

lightbulb101 · 23/03/2024 16:28

Same. I was no contact but five years later I still tear up if I think about him.

helpfulperson · 23/03/2024 16:28

I think you have to either phone your eldest and tell him or drive to his work and tell him. It isn't fair to ask him to come home but not tell him why. Tell the three at home first and let them know you are going to get their sibling.

DanielGault · 23/03/2024 16:28

AllThePotatoesAreSinging · 23/03/2024 16:25

Agree. I haven’t known my father really and it’s only the last couple of years we’ve had occasional email contact. I would like to think his family will tell me but I’ll probably find out via social media, and I think I’ll be sad.

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I hope you're feeling good about your contact. I know I was right in my NC but I wouldn't recommend it unless absolutely necessary ❤️

Achillo · 23/03/2024 16:29

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 23/03/2024 15:45

“Not had contact for quite a few years”

It’s possible that you care a great deal more than they will

Often this makes it hard and complicated, as people usually assume there will be time in the future to heal a relationship.

flapjackfun · 23/03/2024 16:29

Definitely go and collect him from work. I had to get my niece recently because she found out from social media that her estranged mum had died, her family were waiting until she finished work to tell her but someone accidentally let her know.
I was closest to her work and when I got there she was sobbing and in shock, she since has said she would have preferred it if she found out with family rather than like that.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 23/03/2024 16:30

A parent dying is an emergency type situation and a reasonable reason to leave work. Call your eldest and tell them before they find out from SM and ask them to come home. Tell your other children and don’t wait for them to find out on SM.

HotChocWine · 23/03/2024 16:30

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 23/03/2024 15:45

“Not had contact for quite a few years”

It’s possible that you care a great deal more than they will

No

I was NC with my dad for 15 years.
When my brother called to tell me he'd passed away I was inconsolable

DanielGault · 23/03/2024 16:31

Achillo · 23/03/2024 16:29

Often this makes it hard and complicated, as people usually assume there will be time in the future to heal a relationship.

Show quote history

Exactly. I never realised fully that I wouldn't get that.

Original poster
SpinningCat2 · 23/03/2024 16:31

Eldest dc now home from work , non the wiser, dc23 most likely to be on sm., can't contact ATM, thought she was at home ,

Do I tell 3dcs that are here now , I just, just don't know how to do it , they are all just unaware , 😔😔

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningCat2 · 23/03/2024 16:33

Dc23 will be with her fiance I think , do i try and contact him and he tells her ??

OP posts:
DanielGault · 23/03/2024 16:34

SpinningCat2 · 23/03/2024 16:31

Eldest dc now home from work , non the wiser, dc23 most likely to be on sm., can't contact ATM, thought she was at home ,

Do I tell 3dcs that are here now , I just, just don't know how to do it , they are all just unaware , 😔😔

I think I'd tell them as you have them. I'm so sorry, it's an awful job to have. You are in my thoughts this evening.

Venus14 · 23/03/2024 16:37

tell the ones there, they know something big has happened, as your eldest is home. Don’t overthink it! Just say, “ I am really sorry to tell you this sad news but I have just heard …”

Original poster
SpinningCat2 · 23/03/2024 16:37

I don't know what to do about dc23, she's the one mostly on sm , I can't let her find out that way

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningCat2 · 23/03/2024 16:38

I've tried calling her

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningCat2 · 23/03/2024 16:38

Dc25 just annoyed he got sent home , didn't know

OP posts:
madeinmanc · 23/03/2024 16:39

Could you get the other children in the car and drive to where she is?

Oversharingsonewusernamehaha · 23/03/2024 16:39

Thinking of you so much. Agree with others. Prepare for the fact they might care a lot more than you think. Try to ensure they're included on funeral plans etc if they would like to be. They may be very upset/ feel guilt/ anger that they didn't manage to reconcile before he died. I would tell them ASAP. Contact dc23s boyfriend, if she can't come over pretty quickly, tell the others. Use phrases like family emergency if she thinks she's got something else important to do.

Lemoncokezero · 23/03/2024 16:40

Do they all know something is up? How did you get them home from work or to your house? I think if they are suspicious of something going on you need to tell three now then the other.

Oversharingsonewusernamehaha · 23/03/2024 16:41

Yeah agree, if he's home because he knows something is up, tell the other 3.

Newyearnewusername2024 · 23/03/2024 16:44

Get hold of her asap. Tell them altogether. No go- betweens and no telling one before the other.

@BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted if only it worked like that love.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 23/03/2024 16:46

I think it’s fine to tell those you can get hold of before those you can’t. When my dad died I was at work and didn’t see my phone and all the missed calls for several hours, obviously in that time my mum had told my siblings. I wasn’t upset by that. If you can’t get hold of one child tell the other three, tell them not to tell their sister and keep trying to get hold of her.

GreyCarpet · 23/03/2024 16:46

So sorry you're in this position.

I've been nc with my mother for 12 years. She's mid 70s now. There's no going back and she's already 'dead to me' except that she isn't and is very much alive and well.

There is no chance of reconciliation but I think posters who assume it's easy to hear for anyone lack understanding of the complexities of estranged relationships.

Can you contact your daughter's partner?

DanielGault · 23/03/2024 16:50

GreyCarpet · 23/03/2024 16:46

So sorry you're in this position.

I've been nc with my mother for 12 years. She's mid 70s now. There's no going back and she's already 'dead to me' except that she isn't and is very much alive and well.

There is no chance of reconciliation but I think posters who assume it's easy to hear for anyone lack understanding of the complexities of estranged relationships.

Can you contact your daughter's partner?

💐💐💐💐