Need urgent advice , how to tell dcs that exh has died

[SpinningCat2]

Hi

I've just been informed that exh has died. Very suddenly, dcs not had contact for quite a few years , dcs are 25,23,22,19.

Dc25 is at work untill 10pm , do I tell other 3dcs with out eldest dc,

Worried it will come out on sm (sadly exh family have form for this)

What do I do, dear god Jjust how do I tell them

Ignore. You are a wonderful mum who took the time to ensure your children were told by yourself.

This is exactly how it was for me and my brother. We grieved the relationship we should have/could have had with him.

thinking of you and your dc, op 🌸

I think that would be really kind.

I'm still in bit here, but his poor wife , he goes out for a walk , tragic medical incident, and he never comes home 😔

I really wouldn't send a card to his wife, especially if you've never met her and the divorce was messy. When people are grieving they interpret things in the most negative way possible. She'll probably have been given a negative impression of you. She might think you were crowing at her misery.
It would be fine if your children did though.

I don't know why everyone is doubting this as I agree.

I'm no contact with my deadbeat father, he hasn't even ever met his grandkids and I haven't heard of anyone seeing him around in a while (people just love to tell you when they spot an estranged family member) so he is currently 'shrodingers dad' could be dead, could be not, could have moved to mars for all I know and frankly I don't care.

My mam died recently, he did not get in contact. She was the one solid family member I had who raised me in his absence... loosing her shook everything but him I don't give two fucks about. My life would change in absoloutly zero way if he ceased to exist.

I would say leave it a day or two. You are all in turmoil.

Do you know what is happening with the funeral? How did you find out about his death?

A relative of his contacted a relative of mine .
No idea of funeral etc ATM

I won't be able to send anything ATM anyway,but waiting a little is very good advice. Thank you

Also thank you to whoever reported the unwelcome posts .

This has all only happened today. It is a massive thing for you, and your DCs. In many ways that will only become apparent over the next few days/weeks/months.

You are coping with this so well. There is no need to take immediate action on anything else, now you have informed your DCs. Just be there for them. And for you.

Big hugs to you as not an easy situation for you,

I personally would send a thinking of you/bereavement card and include your contact information. Write something heartfelt, and say you can't imagine what she's going through, that if she wants to talk.... it comes from your heart so go for it. It's irrelevant the circumstances of your split at this point

Having has to relay such information I can say the easiest and best way to tell someone about a death is very directly.

ie: I'm sorry to have to tell you but XXXX has died

No point in beating about the bush, you can take whatever house their reaction requires, sympathy, more information etc.

Every death I have been told about has been over the phone. That is also my dh's experience. In a direct way without anticipating my reaction.

That is best, I think. If I needed to, I can get myself home. That would be for adult dcs who live outside the home. If dcs lived at home, I'd wait for them to come home and tell them as and when they get in.

RTFT PEOPLE!!!

Reasonable sentiment but pointless as if they read your post they will have seen the OPs updates..

I think this is really lovely of you. She will either appreciate the gesture and have it bring some comfort, or she won't. But either way, you've shown compassion to his wife all whilst dealing with the heartbreak of all 4 of your children, and that in and of itself shows the kind heart that you have. It's up to her what she makes of it.

I think you should send it from you, you're not just some ex, you are the Mother to 4 of his children. It will either bring comfort or it won't. But if it also helps bring some comfort to you as well then it's worth it on all accounts.

I know I don't know you, but you and your children have been in my thoughts tonight. My heart truly goes out to you all.

I know that seems unfair that they get to know before their sibling but it's much more preferable than them seeing it online.

They're adults and it's likely in most families that one will find out before the other usually based on where they live. Don't overthink this, if I couldn't get the eldest home early then I would tell the younger ones and the eldest on their return.

I’d agree with this. DD hasn’t had contact for approx 10 years and has told me openly that she’d be indifferent re: her dad’s death. She’s 19 and he hasn’t been in her life since she was 6, she barely remembers him so to be frank and brutal about it he isn’t someone that she’d overly care about

I’ve been estranged with my father for a very long time but recently spent three weeks caring for him and finding him a home and the biggest shock for me has been how much I care. I think when an estranged parent dies it’s sometimes harder (“harder”) because there are so many what ifs. It’s very uncushioned by a relationship.

@MaloneMeadow I felt much like your DD for all of my life but please see my last post - just in case anything happens so she and you aren’t blindsided which she may not be at all but just in case!

It was an abusive relationship (hence why I left) in which she was forced to see him by social services for years against her will. As soon as she was old enough for them to follow her lead she stopped all contact and has never heard from him since. Really don’t think that she’ll ever turn round and even want to see him again, never mind care for him but thank you for this anyway

Oh yes, I totally agree. It hit me hugely after he died. Fair play to you for caring for your dad, I hope you are ok x

Not aimed at you op or your kids but it amazes me when people go NC and then are devastated when their parent dies. Like if you go NC you surely realise that they could die while you're not speaking. Do people not consider how they'd feel in the event of their NC parents death? If my NC SD suddenly gets a conscience if my DH passes I will be a bit pissed with her to say the least.

@Sdhell666

Exh decided to distance himself from the dcs, they were not given contact numbers or address, they weren't even informed that he had remarried.