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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell this mum the truth or a kind lie?

313 replies

Exegete · 22/03/2024 23:39

DD7 goes to school with a little boy with a disability (he has difficulties walking and doesn’t talk). They’ve been in the same class since reception and DD has always been occasionally complaining about him hitting her. Never anything serious, but she would often mention (usually without looking distressed) that he had grabbed her glasses off her face, pushed her in the line or slapped her. They were good friends and would often play together but he would sometimes suddenly get angry without any warnings. He does also hit other children, but DD is definitely one of his favourite. I saw him recently on a school outing, one minute he’s all smiles and giggles, the next minute out of the blue he grabs a child and pushes him to the floor. I explained to DD that he doesn’t mean to hurt her and that he gets overwhelmed when frustrated and she can tell him to stop or walk away when he’s aggressive. I thought it would get better as he grew up. Well the boy is now turning 8, he’s bigger and stronger and it got worse.

Today the boy’s mum tells me she’s organising a little birthday party for him (a play date and cake with a few friends at their home). She asked if DD was free, I (stupidly) said she was, thanked her for the invitation and I would get back to her. So I didn’t really say yes she’ll come, but I also said we had nothing planned that day.
I thought DD would be happy to go (she did go to his birthday last year and had a good time). Well she firmly refuses to go. She said he shoved her in the railings while lining in the playground today again, he does that all the time now, she just doesn’t bother telling me or the teacher because there’s nothing we can do.
So now what do I tell the boy’s mum? I don’t know her well at all, I feel for her, I’m sad my DD and her son are not friends anymore, but I also won’t force DD to go if she’s scared of him. So my idea is that I need to put on my big girl’s pants and tell the mum the truth. As gently as possible. That I’m sorry but DD doesn’t want to go because her son hits her when he’s upset and she’s a bit scared (how do I word it?!).
Then my husband tells me being honest is cruel and selfish, that a little lie (“sorry we have other plans”) would spare their feelings. But I’m shit at lying, and also I already said we were free that day so she’ll know and I’ll hurt her feelings even more…
Yanbu: tell the truth (how?)
Yabu: tell a white lie

OP posts:
BreakingAndBroke · 22/03/2024 23:46

By all means talk to the other mum about the hitting, but don't do it in the context of his birthday party. Make your excuses and don't go, but if things continue with the hitting, speak to her about it separately once the party is done and dusted.

Didimum · 22/03/2024 23:50

BreakingAndBroke · 22/03/2024 23:46

By all means talk to the other mum about the hitting, but don't do it in the context of his birthday party. Make your excuses and don't go, but if things continue with the hitting, speak to her about it separately once the party is done and dusted.

I agree with this, OP. Have a word with her but after the party.

Scarletttulips · 22/03/2024 23:53

I think you need to tell your daughter she has a right to feel safe at school and she should speak up every time this happens.

I don’t go to work to get hit and she shouldn’t have to put up with it either.

She’s right they can’t do anything because you’re telling her it’s not his fault and the teachers don’t have eyes everywhere.

The party is the least of your worries, I’d go with ‘sorry we can’t make it’ and book some time with the teacher.

WhateverMate · 22/03/2024 23:56

I’m sorry but DD doesn’t want to go because her son hits her when he’s upset and she’s a bit scared (how do I word it?!).

Word it exactly like that.

If he's pushing and shoving other kids too, I'd be astounded if his parents don't already know.

PaminaMozart · 22/03/2024 23:57

Talk to his mum now or after the party, whichever you feel more comfortable with - but she definitely needs to know.

However, I'm concerned that the teacher and the school don't seem to be dealing with this issue. Not sure about the best way of addressing it, but I would probably have a word with the teacher.

Icehockeyflowers · 22/03/2024 23:57

I wouldn't say it in the context of the party tbh.

Arrange a meeting with the teacher to discuss the hitting and what they have done about it to date and what they will do about as it hasn't improved.

Frozenasarock · 22/03/2024 23:59

Invent an excuse. Do not bring it up with his mother, who almost certainly knows what her child’s behaviour is like already.

And then bring it up with school, starting with class teacher and then if necessary going to the HT - whilst it may be extremely difficult for school to manage his behaviour, I wouldn’t allow my daughter to feel like there’s no point even mentioning she’s being regularly assaulted because no one does anything about it. Yes, it may well not be the child’s “fault” and it’s good to be compassionate and understanding towards him, but that doesn’t mean she has to accept that behaviour or be his punchbag.

And I say that as a mother of a child prone to difficult behaviour, albeit far less as he’s maturing - there are SEN reasons for it but it is still unacceptable and other children absolutely do not have to quietly put up with it.

TheGreatGherkin · 23/03/2024 00:01

Flat tyre. You only found out just as you were leaving to go to the party. Emergency vet trip for your seriously ill emu.

TheMixedGirl · 23/03/2024 00:01

Re the party just say you are so sorry but when you double checked you have a family birthday. If you can afford it still give a present.

Talk to school about the behaviour

Original poster
Exegete · 23/03/2024 00:07

I did talk to the teacher and to the boy’s dad few months ago. The dad was very apologetic, knew it had happened before (the teacher had spoken to them) but also admitted he can only do so much as his son is impulsive and telling-offs don’t really have any effect…

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 23/03/2024 00:09

Tell her it turns out you have a conflict. Don’t just cancel last minute. That would be cruel to the child.

you need to advocate for your dd. She is being assaulted and the school and you are letting it happen. You are teaching her to accept abuse.

Every time it happens you need to be at the school complaining. Your dd needs to know you will stand up for her. It is up to the school to solve the problem. You don’t have to make suggestions, you don’t have to mention a specific child, you just ask how they are going to make sure your child is not assaulted again.

Starlightstarbright3 · 23/03/2024 00:14

I would also come up with an excuse - got home . Sorry Dh has arranged something you didn’t realise .

i would also go into school - how will they be safeguarding your Dd.

UptoYou · 23/03/2024 00:17

Just say you appreciate the invitation but sadly you'll have to decline as DD has said that they're not in a close friendship group at the moment (or similar)
Separately pick up with the school about the pushing/hitting

pizzaHeart · 23/03/2024 00:18

My DD has additional needs and I would like to know if she’s behaving badly towards someone in the class.
I would tell her that sadly it turned that Jack was very rough towards Evie at school, she’s very upset about it so considering the situation you think it would be better for her to skip the party. I would also add that you hope that things get better and they will be friends again ( if you do think so)
I know that it’s not boy’s fault he probably not getting enough/ right support but why should your DD suffer?

GaryLurcher19 · 23/03/2024 00:20

I'd be honest with her.

'Thank you for the invite but DD doesn't want to because your DS shoved her roughly and it has put her off'

Do it sensitively and not in earshot of others, but be direct. You can always add that you understand children have their ups and downs and that there are no hard feelings, but you won't put DD in a position she's uncomfortable with.

I wouldn't go to the school before giving his mum this heads up, tbh. As you're acquainted with her, I'd give her chance to address it first. PPs are saying she probably already knows about his behaviour, and that may be true in a general sense, but how can she address it with him if she never gets the specifics? If I were her, I'd thank you for letting me know, apologise and then ask my DS why he did that. She can't do that unless you give her opportunity.

Original poster
Exegete · 23/03/2024 00:24

Alright wise mumsnetters, I will follow your advice and make an excuse tomorrow morning! Or even better: I’ll invite some friends over on that day so I’m NOT actually lying! You’re also right I should probably have a conversation with my daughter and remind her it’s not ok and she should always tell me when it happens…

OP posts:
fridaynight1 · 23/03/2024 00:37

I'd tell her you've spoken to your daughter about the party invitation and it appears they have fallen out and she doesn't want to come.

Mmmm19 · 23/03/2024 00:41

I would say you forgot a prior engagement (easily done). If there are updates since you last spoke to school then raise with them. Also I feel this post is quite identifiable if the mum read it

Mmhmmn · 23/03/2024 00:44

Tell her the truth, kindly. Avoiding it helps no one. You can’t expose your daughter to violence from this boy whether it’s his fault or not.

Morewineplease10 · 23/03/2024 00:50

Ffs, stick up for your DD. I feel outraged on behalf she's had to put up with this!

Party is a separate issue but I'm glad she is refusing to go.

PerpetualStudent · 23/03/2024 01:00

Apart from the party issue I agree with PP you need to go back to the school and escalate this. If the class teacher is aware and not taking effective action, you need to go to the head teacher. It’s not about blaming the boy but your DD has a right to feel safe at school.

coxesorangepippin · 23/03/2024 01:03

What's all this passive pussy footing around making excuses??!

This lad hits your daughter and you have to keep quiet about it?!

You're not going because he hurt your child. Final.

coxesorangepippin · 23/03/2024 01:04

Well she firmly refuses to go. She said he shoved her in the railings while lining in the playground today again, he does that all the time now, she just doesn’t bother telling me or the teacher because there’s nothing we can do.

^

'Because there's nothing we can do'

Do you realise what this is teaching your daughter?

GaryLurcher19 · 23/03/2024 01:17

Just an additional point, OP, well done to your DD for refusing to go. A lot of children, especially girls, would suck it up to keep the peace. She's been honest and assertive in her own interests and those are qualities to be proud of.

ForestBather · 23/03/2024 01:50

Exegete · 23/03/2024 00:24

Alright wise mumsnetters, I will follow your advice and make an excuse tomorrow morning! Or even better: I’ll invite some friends over on that day so I’m NOT actually lying! You’re also right I should probably have a conversation with my daughter and remind her it’s not ok and she should always tell me when it happens…

But what are you actually going to do about it? One of my core memories is my mother doing nothing to actually stop the abuse at school at the same age. It took me a long time to learn (as an adult) that I didn't have to let people treat me badly. I'll never quite forgive her for that.