Should I tell this mum the truth or a kind lie?

[Exegete]

DD7 goes to school with a little boy with a disability (he has difficulties walking and doesn’t talk). They’ve been in the same class since reception and DD has always been occasionally complaining about him hitting her. Never anything serious, but she would often mention (usually without looking distressed) that he had grabbed her glasses off her face, pushed her in the line or slapped her. They were good friends and would often play together but he would sometimes suddenly get angry without any warnings. He does also hit other children, but DD is definitely one of his favourite. I saw him recently on a school outing, one minute he’s all smiles and giggles, the next minute out of the blue he grabs a child and pushes him to the floor. I explained to DD that he doesn’t mean to hurt her and that he gets overwhelmed when frustrated and she can tell him to stop or walk away when he’s aggressive. I thought it would get better as he grew up. Well the boy is now turning 8, he’s bigger and stronger and it got worse.

Today the boy’s mum tells me she’s organising a little birthday party for him (a play date and cake with a few friends at their home). She asked if DD was free, I (stupidly) said she was, thanked her for the invitation and I would get back to her. So I didn’t really say yes she’ll come, but I also said we had nothing planned that day.
I thought DD would be happy to go (she did go to his birthday last year and had a good time). Well she firmly refuses to go. She said he shoved her in the railings while lining in the playground today again, he does that all the time now, she just doesn’t bother telling me or the teacher because there’s nothing we can do.
So now what do I tell the boy’s mum? I don’t know her well at all, I feel for her, I’m sad my DD and her son are not friends anymore, but I also won’t force DD to go if she’s scared of him. So my idea is that I need to put on my big girl’s pants and tell the mum the truth. As gently as possible. That I’m sorry but DD doesn’t want to go because her son hits her when he’s upset and she’s a bit scared (how do I word it?!).
Then my husband tells me being honest is cruel and selfish, that a little lie (“sorry we have other plans”) would spare their feelings. But I’m shit at lying, and also I already said we were free that day so she’ll know and I’ll hurt her feelings even more…
Yanbu: tell the truth (how?)
Yabu: tell a white lie

@CaliforniaHereWeCome1

'Personally I find it appalling that disruptive violent children like this are sent to mainstream schools. It’s not fair on them or the other children.'

That's an actual child you're talking about. Where do you suggest they are put? Do you know how hard it is to first of all find and then get a place at a special school?

Blame underfunding, but don't blame the kids who are as distressed by their behaviour as everyone around them is!

I think you did the right thing op. Often sen is OK or mangable at the lower end of primary school but falls apart as they get older.
Either poor kid isn't getting the correct support or the setting is no longer suitable.

This.

@x2boys in Scotland an EHCP isn't even a thing. Even with one in England it's near impossible to get a 1:1

I would be more concerned about how powerless your daughter feels than about the feelings of these parents.

She's, what, eight? And is essentially resigned to being another kid's punchbag / emotional support human because the adults in her life can't or won't do anything about it.

Great life lesson right there.

I think it's best to be honest for your daughter's sske.
Maybe, something tactful, apologetic even, but truthful.
I'm really sorry but DD doesn't want to go to the party ( or, if you prefer, I don't want her to go), because your lad has hurt her. We're used to his pushing her, and we know it's not malicious, we know it's how he is, but as he's getting bigger and stronger, he's now actually hurting her. I'm sorry, I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but I do understand DD's point.

This way you are not having to lie nor are you inadvertently teaching DD that lies are the way to deal with an unpleasant situation.
My best wishes for dealing with this continuung situation via the school.

The problem is the EHCP funding does not fund the cost of a full time 1 to 1 member of staff, nowhere near. It should, but it doesn't, even on existing piss poor levels of pay. Which leaves schools incredibly stretched.

It's getting really hard to recruit TAs in many areas as you can earn more in a number of other much less demanding and responsible jobs.

Yeah sorry @x2boys , but this poster is correct. EHCPs are rare to come across and, quite often, even if the child does have one the schools tend to only receive partial funding for them. Depending upon budget, if they don't have enough to fund a full time 1:1 then they will sometimes only fund part time. It's crap but that's the state that this government has allowed schools to get into nationally. It's appalling and creating so many issues. I've been a 1:1 myself and work in schools so I can tell you firsthand that this is how it is.

Also @Alphavilla I'm so sorry that your daughter is experiencing this, that's truly awful. Must be very frustrating for her trying to juggle behaviour whilst also trying to teach. Teachers have enough hoops to jump through as it is. I feel for her, I trained to be a teacher and ended up going for support roles instead in the end. There is not enough support for teachers.

It’s probably too late and all done now, so no point me saying anything.

But I’m going to suggest a totally different approach, guided by the fact that that mum isn’t me, but she could be. I have a kid with severe SEN who acts out and when he was in mainstream was horribly left out and had no friends. He’s in a special school now at the cost of my savings, my house, my marriage and my sanity (so a great big up yours to the vile posters on this thread who have posted as though disabled children are an inconvenience who should just be swatted away like flies).

Can you not bribe your kid go, stay with her, make sure she doesn’t get hit, and stand back after. By all means you / the parents need to work with school to make sure the boy has support so these things don’t happen. And of course your daughter needs to speak up when she’s hurt.

But I also feel it’s ok to teach kids tolerance. My mum always made me invite the SEN kids to my parties and made me go to theirs. I think it made me a more tolerant, kind person (something many on mumsnet or their little princelings and princesses wouldn’t know if it bit them in the arse).

There were people who did similar ‘my child doesn’t want to play with your child’ exchanges with me and even though it was a few years back every one of them was a wound which will never heal. Every one of those mothers I still hate with a burning passion. I’d like to say there were kind inclusive parents who helped scaffold exchanges with my child but there were none. He never got invited anywhere. No one played with him. He knew this and hated himself. He wanted to die when he was only 6, can you imagine this? He was so lonely and had internalised from others that he was worthless. He used to name all the kids he wanted me to invite for playdates because with his limited understanding he thought they were his friends, and I’d lie and pretend I’d texted the parents to ask and then claim an excuse because I knew they’d say no.

I share this in the spirit of helping you understand that what for you is a ‘cringe, awks’ type exchange is likely something that will be remembered forever by this child and mother, as they are for me and my son. Just bear that in mind.

I really believe you can find a balance with supporting your daughter and not breaking a disabled child’s heart.

We had a very similar situation but I did not tell my DC that they had to basically put up with it. Every single time they told me, I went into school and asked what they were going to do to safeguard my DC. She needs to know that you've got her back.

Please start putting her safety at a higher priority.

This is terrible advice. Teach her daughter tolerance for being hit and hurt constantly? Bribe her to put herself in the firing line to get hurt? That's not on. Why not just tell her DD, "Sorry DD, this kids feelings matter more than your safety and right to be safe"? Then we wonder why women stay in abusive relationships. After all, their men didn't mean it or we don't want to hurt their feelings by leaving. He just gets that way sometimes and is very sorry afterwards.

I’m not blaming the kids 🙄 I am critical of inclusion and think there should be more special provision for those that aren’t coping with mainstream.

I agree. If you have to bribe your kid to spend time with someone they dont want to because they are scared of them- thats not much of a 'friendship" is it? Bloody hell. Its no wonder women struggle to leave abusive relationships if this is what we are teaching our daughters.

Just awful.

Bildtyko

Ive worked in mainstream, I ah e been hit kicked and punched and bitten (the worse was a pinched twist) I’ve been sent to A&E on more than one occasion as had a few of my collogues - one was hospitalized and off work for weeks.

I stood in the way to protect children like OP DD to prevent an attack and often got caught in the crossfire.

In the nicest possible way, I would not wish that on either of my daughters to spare you or your sons feeling - I’m empathetic, and worked wonders with a variety of children, all lovely in their own way, and often lacking friendships and understanding - but I would never allow my children to be treated like a punch bag.

I actually think you did the right thing op. I have a sen child and I’d want to know. Even though it breaks my heart. Now she knows she can trust you.

Well that's very area specific I appreciate in my LEA we are probably luckier than most
But we have two special Needs primary schools and two special needs high schools ad well as several autism hubs ,also know of many children that attend mainstream with a 1:1 according to the Op the child is seven and non verbal so im assuming has significant disabilities ,the school needs to being more and applying for an EHCP.

@Bildtyko I think the prob is at such a young age it's hard for kids to then make assessments about boundaries and self-protection. What if the hitting etc gets too much? What if it's another child that doesn't have SEN but is just a bully? What if it's a child with SEN but they also have some bullying/malicious intentions that day (does happen, they're just normal kids not angels)?

And as a teen/young adult, what if they get in a relationship with someone who rages, beats them, attacks them etc – working with families, I've seen this happen in siblings of both genders of some SEN children. It's been normalised for them since childhood and very very hard to unpick for them.

I also have worked with SEN kids and willingly let myself get bitten, punched etc. But it's different for adults and impressionable children.

Can you not bribe your kid go, stay with her, make sure she doesn’t get hit, and stand back after

This is absolutely ridiculous- what kind of horrendous message is that sending to her DD?

Im sorry your son went through that but your sons feelings are not more important that someone else’s physical safety. You are putting your son first- understandable. So are others putting their child’s wellbeing first - understandable and it doesn’t make them a “princess” as you nastily put it just because they don’t want to be punched in the face on the regular.

I bet if another kid were regularly hitting your son to the point he was scared you’d be the first to be asking something to be done about it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just say DD says they aren't really friends these days and she's not keen to go.

You don't need to say anything more than that if it makes you uncomfortable. I know it's awkward but you can be truthful without going into great detail.

However, your DD should be reporting all incidents at school, and school should be dealing with it. It's not acceptable that she's having to put up with that. I have an ASD son who used to behave inappropriately sometimes at primary school, but I would never have expected either the school or his classmates to put up with aggressive behaviour.

Guys rtft, she’s already done it.

You think 'Scotland' is 'very area specific?' The whole country of Scotland?

@x2boys and who on Earth said he doesn't have an EHCP?! My Son is 7, non verbal, attends school less than 12 hours a week and when there breaks school property, smashes glass and self harms in his desperation to escape. Guess what he doesn't have? A 1:1. This is not unusual by any stretch of the imagination. But glad you're sorted.

I think I have officially heard it all now my God.

He has a disability and is non verbal. Ffs. Are people really this dumb/uninformed about disability? At least the OP has some sensitivity.

^^

Uninformed? Whatever happened to a child having the right to an education without violence?

What is the best course action? Allow the DD to continue to be assaulted??

Aye, that'll do it.