Should I tell this mum the truth or a kind lie?

[Exegete]

DD7 goes to school with a little boy with a disability (he has difficulties walking and doesn’t talk). They’ve been in the same class since reception and DD has always been occasionally complaining about him hitting her. Never anything serious, but she would often mention (usually without looking distressed) that he had grabbed her glasses off her face, pushed her in the line or slapped her. They were good friends and would often play together but he would sometimes suddenly get angry without any warnings. He does also hit other children, but DD is definitely one of his favourite. I saw him recently on a school outing, one minute he’s all smiles and giggles, the next minute out of the blue he grabs a child and pushes him to the floor. I explained to DD that he doesn’t mean to hurt her and that he gets overwhelmed when frustrated and she can tell him to stop or walk away when he’s aggressive. I thought it would get better as he grew up. Well the boy is now turning 8, he’s bigger and stronger and it got worse.

Today the boy’s mum tells me she’s organising a little birthday party for him (a play date and cake with a few friends at their home). She asked if DD was free, I (stupidly) said she was, thanked her for the invitation and I would get back to her. So I didn’t really say yes she’ll come, but I also said we had nothing planned that day.
I thought DD would be happy to go (she did go to his birthday last year and had a good time). Well she firmly refuses to go. She said he shoved her in the railings while lining in the playground today again, he does that all the time now, she just doesn’t bother telling me or the teacher because there’s nothing we can do.
So now what do I tell the boy’s mum? I don’t know her well at all, I feel for her, I’m sad my DD and her son are not friends anymore, but I also won’t force DD to go if she’s scared of him. So my idea is that I need to put on my big girl’s pants and tell the mum the truth. As gently as possible. That I’m sorry but DD doesn’t want to go because her son hits her when he’s upset and she’s a bit scared (how do I word it?!).
Then my husband tells me being honest is cruel and selfish, that a little lie (“sorry we have other plans”) would spare their feelings. But I’m shit at lying, and also I already said we were free that day so she’ll know and I’ll hurt her feelings even more…
Yanbu: tell the truth (how?)
Yabu: tell a white lie

Why are you letting this child bully your dd at school?

There seems to be a lot of acceptance and shoulder shrugging going on here.
"It's just the way he is" is not good enough. The other children should have to put up with it just because the school can't address it properly.

Word it exactly as you have done here. ‘’I’m really sorry, but DD has told me that she doesn’t feel comfortable attending the party because your son regularly hurts her. She knows he gets frustrated etc and she doesn’t blame him for it, but she’s afraid of being hit if she attends’’ Job done, nothing wrong with it, you’re over thinking. You won’t offend her if you let her know that she isn’t placing blame. Even if she does actually blame him, you can avoid upsetting the mum in the moment, but hopefully she will be sufficiently mortified to try and intervene.

Yes I agree with this. Also, be careful that your daughter isn't, even inadvertently, being conditioned to accept this behaviour from the men/women she will meet in her adult life. She needs to know she can set clear boundaries and keep herself safe. 🌹

I agree with what most other posters here, make up a lie about the party and then take it up with the school. I actually think this is a good time to demonstrate to your daughter that just because he can't help it, it doesn't make it your daughter's responsibility to put up with it. Equally the school have a duty of care to all pupils including your daughter and if this child is in mainstream school then the onus is on school to manage it correctly both for the boy's sake, to ensure he doesn't end up isolated from his peers, and for all other pupils too.

As an aside, this is why I hate Facebook posts like 'this SEN child threw a party and not one person came; teach your child to be kind etc etc' Because the reality of the situation is often a little more complex than is suggested.

I'm with this. Said silly I spoke to dd ans she doesn't wish to go because of being hit scared etc. And speak the school and keep speaking up every time. Yes it's SAS the child has challenges but that does not trump your dd or any of the children's safety.

This child has extra needs that the school isn’t managing. It’s not ok to routinely physically assault other people and have it shrugged off, in no adult office environment would this be ok. I know I’m venting here but I will never understand why we are comfortable sending our children to places where we know they will be attacked and nothing will be done.

There’s not much point telling your dd she should always tell you when it happens if you’re not going to do anything about it.

How on earth have you let it get to this stage if it’s been happening for years? It’s not his fault but that doesn’t mean it should be happening. You should have kicked up a stink with the school for not safeguarding your DD from the very start.

I’m going to disagree with the others and say absolutely tell her the truth!!

Literally say to her: thanks again for your kind invitation but i’m sorry to say we now won’t be able to make it. I’ve told DD about the party but she has asked not to go because your DS is regularly hitting her at school.

Then you can decide how you want to proceed further about the matter.

If you go to the school (which i think you should), it’s possible she’ll find out and figure out why you cancelled anyway.

It’s not cruel to tell his mum the truth. What’s cruel is that your DD is being hit at school.

Agree

Don't do this. Give the mum notice.

I'd tell the mum that your daughter has said that she doesn't want to go because her son has been pushing her!

Don't invite friends from school over. It may mean even fewer going to the boy's party.

At the moment it is 74% YANBU: tell the truth (how?) from wise mumsnetters,

@Zyq makes a good point about not taking potential guests away from his party - maybe one child/best friend only? Might look like a deliberate snub too.

Your daughter is getting hurt at school every day because you don’t want to upset another child’s mother. Why would she bother telling you when it happens when you’re doing sweet fuck all about it?

I may be wrong but I don't think OP meant the DD's school friends. Just her own friends as a reason to be unavailable.

I’m sorry but DD doesn’t want to go because her son hits her when he’s upset and she’s a bit scared

Just say that.

Where did you get "every day" from? OP hasn't said that at all.

Can people just attempt to read OP before going off?

Not the point of the thread but as a teacher this kind of issue is on the rise at the moment. We get pitifully little funding to support children with SEN which means that children who can be violent are often without a one-to-one staff member. Many special schools are full or closed now so we have much higher numbers of children with SEN than ever before. It can be extraordinarily hard to manage violent incidents in class, especially when they’re unpredictable. It’s a really sad situation for the children who are getting hurt as well as the children with SEN who desperately need more support. It’s one of the many reasons teachers are leaving the profession in droves.

OP, please don’t make up an excuse. The mum needs to know that the school aren’t managing her child’s needs properly and that her son is becoming isolated from his peers because of that.

Tell the mum the truth. Yes it will be hard for her to hear but shouldn’t be glossed over, now you know about it, as that helps neither child.

You can do it in a kind and gentle way. it is a shared problem that you both need help from the school to solve.

Tell her that you were very surprised by your DD’s reaction when you mentioned the party in that she was adamant that she was fed up of being hurt and pushed about by him and didn’t want to expose herself to any more of it than necessary at school, so wouldn’t be going to his party. Tell her how upset you were to hear her say that, not only for your own DD, but also for her son, because it seems she has become a target for him to take out his frustrations on and obviously that isn’t being monitored, which neither of you can allow to continue.
Ask her to have a word with the teacher, about her son’s growing isolation from his friends because of this issue and tell her you will be doing the same so that you can both find out how it will be managed properly going forward. Tell her you feel for her in this situation but you are sure she understands that you too, must advocate for your own child.
Finally, tell her that as your DD is upset about it all, you have made other fun day trip arrangements for her in lieu of the party.

Then talk to the class teacher urgently about this and tell her what has happened. Insist that a new and much more effective strategy is put in place to safeguard your DD from this little boy as it has become a growing daily occurrence which is now seriously impacting her health and well-being. Tell the teacher that you have asked your DD to alert the teacher or TA to every incident where this little boy slaps, pushes or is otherwise bullying her and that you insist that all such incidents are recorded properly as you will be doing the same at home to help monitor the situation. Arrange a follow up meeting date to show how serious you are about this being managed properly. When you get home, make a record of what was said and date it.

Tell her the truth, how are his parents to know the extent of his behaviour issues at school if the kids who are experiencing it are not telling school/parents and/or no ones telling his parents?

There may not be a lot they can do, but they certainly cannot do ANYTHING if they don't know the full extent!

Tell the truth. It helps no one if you lie

I was in your daughter's position once. We were younger (maybe 5-6) but the boy used to grab me and kiss me forcibly on a regular basis, and put his hands on my body in ways I did not like. I was literally expected to tolerate it because he was intellectually disabled, and was made to go to his birthday party. In retrospect I find it pretty awful. Of course it wasn't his fault, and he wasn't capable of retaining the information that he shouldn't do it, but the school just allowed this to happen, repeatedly. The message to me was that accomodating him was more important than my boundaries.

I absolutely hate lying. The only exception I'm prepared to make is a small lie that spares someone else's feelings and is entirely for their own good, rather than letting myself off the hook. I'd say this is one of those times, OP.

Oh no don't intentionally let them down last minute! That's awful.