Page 13 | Should I tell this mum the truth or a kind lie?

Exegete · 2024-03-22T23:39:44+00:00

DD7 goes to school with a little boy with a disability (he has difficulties walking and doesn’t talk). They’ve been in the same class since reception and DD has always been occasionally complaining about him hitting her. Never anything serious, but she would often mention (usually without looking distressed) that he had grabbed her glasses off her face, pushed her in the line or slapped her. They were good friends and would often play together but he would sometimes suddenly get angry without any warnings. He does also hit other children, but DD is definitely one of his favourite. I saw him recently on a school outing, one minute he’s all smiles and giggles, the next minute out of the blue he grabs a child and pushes him to the floor. I explained to DD that he doesn’t mean to hurt her and that he gets overwhelmed when frustrated and she can tell him to stop or walk away when he’s aggressive. I thought it would get better as he grew up. Well the boy is now turning 8, he’s bigger and stronger and it got worse. Today the boy’s mum tells me she’s organising a little birthday party for him (a play date and cake with a few friends at their home). She asked if DD was free, I (stupidly) said she was, thanked her for the invitation and I would get back to her. So I didn’t really say yes she’ll come, but I also said we had nothing planned that day. I thought DD would be happy to go (she did go to his birthday last year and had a good time). Well she firmly refuses to go. She said he shoved her in the railings while lining in the playground today again, he does that all the time now, she just doesn’t bother telling me or the teacher because there’s nothing we can do. So now what do I tell the boy’s mum? I don’t know her well at all, I feel for her, I’m sad my DD and her son are not friends anymore, but I also won’t force DD to go if she’s scared of him. So my idea is that I need to put on my big girl’s pants and tell the mum the truth. As gently as possible. That I’m sorry but DD doesn’t want to go because her son hits her when he’s upset and she’s a bit scared (how do I word it?!). Then my husband tells me being honest is cruel and selfish, that a little lie (“sorry we have other plans”) would spare their feelings. But I’m shit at lying, and also I already said we were free that day so she’ll know and I’ll hurt her feelings even more… Yanbu: tell the truth (how?) Yabu: tell a white lie

TomeTome · 24/03/2024 01:10

I don’t think it’s true that a child with this profile would find it difficult to get an ehcp or funding for 1:1. Do post on the SN boards if you are genuinely struggling to achieve that for children with higher needs because there are many people with experience who could help.

IrishWombat · 24/03/2024 01:25

As a parent of a child with a disability I would absolutely want to know if my child was hurting others. My son having sen does not give him free will to hurt
other children. School need to be protecting the other children in the form of a TA being with him constantly to supervise (this should happen but as I’m well aware it probably won’t because that level of support is very expensive) but if the mum is aware of this she can at least
use this reason to fight for more support for her child. My son is 9 and a big lad but luckily he is only a sod at home, he’s good as gold at school, but if he was violent I would absolutely want to know so I could work with him and the school to help with the situation.

TomeTome · 24/03/2024 01:40

Sorry wrong thread

MariaVT65 · 24/03/2024 03:25

Bildtyko · 23/03/2024 21:56

It’s probably too late and all done now, so no point me saying anything.

But I’m going to suggest a totally different approach, guided by the fact that that mum isn’t me, but she could be. I have a kid with severe SEN who acts out and when he was in mainstream was horribly left out and had no friends. He’s in a special school now at the cost of my savings, my house, my marriage and my sanity (so a great big up yours to the vile posters on this thread who have posted as though disabled children are an inconvenience who should just be swatted away like flies).

Can you not bribe your kid go, stay with her, make sure she doesn’t get hit, and stand back after. By all means you / the parents need to work with school to make sure the boy has support so these things don’t happen. And of course your daughter needs to speak up when she’s hurt.

But I also feel it’s ok to teach kids tolerance. My mum always made me invite the SEN kids to my parties and made me go to theirs. I think it made me a more tolerant, kind person (something many on mumsnet or their little princelings and princesses wouldn’t know if it bit them in the arse).

There were people who did similar ‘my child doesn’t want to play with your child’ exchanges with me and even though it was a few years back every one of them was a wound which will never heal. Every one of those mothers I still hate with a burning passion. I’d like to say there were kind inclusive parents who helped scaffold exchanges with my child but there were none. He never got invited anywhere. No one played with him. He knew this and hated himself. He wanted to die when he was only 6, can you imagine this? He was so lonely and had internalised from others that he was worthless. He used to name all the kids he wanted me to invite for playdates because with his limited understanding he thought they were his friends, and I’d lie and pretend I’d texted the parents to ask and then claim an excuse because I knew they’d say no.

I share this in the spirit of helping you understand that what for you is a ‘cringe, awks’ type exchange is likely something that will be remembered forever by this child and mother, as they are for me and my son. Just bear that in mind.

I really believe you can find a balance with supporting your daughter and not breaking a disabled child’s heart.

What do you expect op to do? Literally stand in between DD and the boy during the whole party so she doesn’t get hit?

I understand the situation is incredibly tough for the boy and his mum, but it’s in no way, this 7 year old girl’s problem is it.

Thankfully op has already done the right thing and been honest.

and ‘up yours’ too lol

KERALA1 · 24/03/2024 06:20

I don’t think it’s fair or rational to “hate with a burning passion” parents who won’t offer up their children to be repeatedly hit because otherwise your child will be upset. The passion you feel on behalf of your child - they feel that too for theirs. It’s too much to ask of others.

Caravaggiouch · 24/03/2024 07:36

Bildtyko · 23/03/2024 21:56

It’s probably too late and all done now, so no point me saying anything.

But I’m going to suggest a totally different approach, guided by the fact that that mum isn’t me, but she could be. I have a kid with severe SEN who acts out and when he was in mainstream was horribly left out and had no friends. He’s in a special school now at the cost of my savings, my house, my marriage and my sanity (so a great big up yours to the vile posters on this thread who have posted as though disabled children are an inconvenience who should just be swatted away like flies).

Can you not bribe your kid go, stay with her, make sure she doesn’t get hit, and stand back after. By all means you / the parents need to work with school to make sure the boy has support so these things don’t happen. And of course your daughter needs to speak up when she’s hurt.

But I also feel it’s ok to teach kids tolerance. My mum always made me invite the SEN kids to my parties and made me go to theirs. I think it made me a more tolerant, kind person (something many on mumsnet or their little princelings and princesses wouldn’t know if it bit them in the arse).

There were people who did similar ‘my child doesn’t want to play with your child’ exchanges with me and even though it was a few years back every one of them was a wound which will never heal. Every one of those mothers I still hate with a burning passion. I’d like to say there were kind inclusive parents who helped scaffold exchanges with my child but there were none. He never got invited anywhere. No one played with him. He knew this and hated himself. He wanted to die when he was only 6, can you imagine this? He was so lonely and had internalised from others that he was worthless. He used to name all the kids he wanted me to invite for playdates because with his limited understanding he thought they were his friends, and I’d lie and pretend I’d texted the parents to ask and then claim an excuse because I knew they’d say no.

I share this in the spirit of helping you understand that what for you is a ‘cringe, awks’ type exchange is likely something that will be remembered forever by this child and mother, as they are for me and my son. Just bear that in mind.

I really believe you can find a balance with supporting your daughter and not breaking a disabled child’s heart.

Do you understand why other parents love their children and care about them more than your child? If you still hate these mothers (apparently the fathers get a free pass, eh?) with a burning passion for protecting their children it sounds like you’re not as kind and tolerant as you think you are. Calling them “princesses and princelings” for not wanting to experience violence at school? Fuck that.

Appalling advice, and the kind of stuff that is why the OP has ended up in a situation where her child is being repeatedly hit at school and doesn’t even think it’s worth telling anyone anymore.

Poppybob · 24/03/2024 08:04

Having been through a similar situation with my DC... my son was getting hit and shoved by a boy with SEN at school. I would tell the mum that your daughter just doesn't want to be physically abused anymore. Because no matter how much you paint it... That it's due to the childs disabilities etc....it is abuse. If it was someone who did this to you what would you do!? Your poor daughter... . Getting physically attacked and all you worry about is whether you offend the mum.

Poppybob · 24/03/2024 08:08

@Bildtyko do not agree with your post. What would you do if it was you getting physically attacked personally?!

CadyEastman · 24/03/2024 08:10

Poppybob · 24/03/2024 08:04

Having been through a similar situation with my DC... my son was getting hit and shoved by a boy with SEN at school. I would tell the mum that your daughter just doesn't want to be physically abused anymore. Because no matter how much you paint it... That it's due to the childs disabilities etc....it is abuse. If it was someone who did this to you what would you do!? Your poor daughter... . Getting physically attacked and all you worry about is whether you offend the mum.

The advice I gave to a DF was very similar when her DS was being hit daily.

"Would you go into work each day knowing you were going to be hit? I think you need to talk to the school and tell them what's happening and let your DS know you've got his back on this".

Beanscene · 24/03/2024 08:51

@Bildtyko just no no no no no!! How awful that you think like this

Poppybob · 24/03/2024 10:15

wafflingworrier · 23/03/2024 08:39

Slight tangent but these behaviours wouldn't qualify for a special school anymore, most classes at primary have at least one regularly violent SEN child in them without proper funding to support them. It is an absolutely shameful situation and one of the many reasons teachers striked. I am a primary teacher and now get hit, spat at, kicked, furniture thrown at me regularly and am told "it's just part of the job now".
Teachers got a pay rise that hadn't been met with an uplift in school funding from government, so this situation will get worse, not better.

Edited

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I think this is shocking that teachers are expected to deal with this. No one should go to work or school expecting to be physically assaulted. The reality is what can teachers in mainstream schools actually physically do to prevent the violence..... not a lot ....a teacher is only X1 person. A teacher is a teacher! X1 child cannot dominate/dictate and ultimately affect other children's learning and hurt them. It's crazy that adults get reported/charged/jailed for hurting children yet we should expect a child to get hurt (regularly)by other children without consequences.
There needs to be specialist schools for these children so they can get the support they need in an environment that is safe for them and others.

x2boys · 24/03/2024 12:14

Poppybob · 24/03/2024 10:15

I think this is shocking that teachers are expected to deal with this. No one should go to work or school expecting to be physically assaulted. The reality is what can teachers in mainstream schools actually physically do to prevent the violence..... not a lot ....a teacher is only X1 person. A teacher is a teacher! X1 child cannot dominate/dictate and ultimately affect other children's learning and hurt them. It's crazy that adults get reported/charged/jailed for hurting children yet we should expect a child to get hurt (regularly)by other children without consequences.
There needs to be specialist schools for these children so they can get the support they need in an environment that is safe for them and others.

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There are special school but they are area dependent in my LEA this child would undoubtedly get into one of LEA special school, s ,but provision is hit and miss depending on where you live .

Nettie1964 · 05/08/2024 09:33

My parents wanted me to be friends with the downs syndrome (?) Little boy next door. He wasn't little and he used to hit me or try to kiss me. I was absolutely terrified and being quiet shy did everything I could to avoid him. The mother used to guilt me and it made my life an absulute misery. It's horrible for your daughter to have to put up with this.someone needs to do something, I don't think that someone's disabilities/behavioural problems trump someone else's rights.