Should I tell this mum the truth or a kind lie?

[Exegete]

DD7 goes to school with a little boy with a disability (he has difficulties walking and doesn’t talk). They’ve been in the same class since reception and DD has always been occasionally complaining about him hitting her. Never anything serious, but she would often mention (usually without looking distressed) that he had grabbed her glasses off her face, pushed her in the line or slapped her. They were good friends and would often play together but he would sometimes suddenly get angry without any warnings. He does also hit other children, but DD is definitely one of his favourite. I saw him recently on a school outing, one minute he’s all smiles and giggles, the next minute out of the blue he grabs a child and pushes him to the floor. I explained to DD that he doesn’t mean to hurt her and that he gets overwhelmed when frustrated and she can tell him to stop or walk away when he’s aggressive. I thought it would get better as he grew up. Well the boy is now turning 8, he’s bigger and stronger and it got worse.

Today the boy’s mum tells me she’s organising a little birthday party for him (a play date and cake with a few friends at their home). She asked if DD was free, I (stupidly) said she was, thanked her for the invitation and I would get back to her. So I didn’t really say yes she’ll come, but I also said we had nothing planned that day.
I thought DD would be happy to go (she did go to his birthday last year and had a good time). Well she firmly refuses to go. She said he shoved her in the railings while lining in the playground today again, he does that all the time now, she just doesn’t bother telling me or the teacher because there’s nothing we can do.
So now what do I tell the boy’s mum? I don’t know her well at all, I feel for her, I’m sad my DD and her son are not friends anymore, but I also won’t force DD to go if she’s scared of him. So my idea is that I need to put on my big girl’s pants and tell the mum the truth. As gently as possible. That I’m sorry but DD doesn’t want to go because her son hits her when he’s upset and she’s a bit scared (how do I word it?!).
Then my husband tells me being honest is cruel and selfish, that a little lie (“sorry we have other plans”) would spare their feelings. But I’m shit at lying, and also I already said we were free that day so she’ll know and I’ll hurt her feelings even more…
Yanbu: tell the truth (how?)
Yabu: tell a white lie

Your DD is telling you she is routinely harmed and doesn't feel she can tell you or the teacher and you are more worried about a party invite?

Please speak to your daughter. Please speak to the school. This is your priority. Your daughter needs to feel safe and heard.

What you say to the other parent needs to be low done on your list.
I'd just say unfortunately DD doesn't want to and leave it at that.

It’s good to teach your child that everyone learns differently and some struggle to follow the rules because of this.

However, no amount of SEN means your daughter has to put up with being hurt or scared! That’s not acceptable either.

At nursery, DS1 was being hurt regularly by a boy with SEN. In the end, the staff obviously just thought that was what he did so then told my son ‘he’s hitting you because he likes you and wants to be your friend’. I hit the roof and had a meeting with management as I was not having anyone telling my son that was ok!
I told them they would need sort it or keep him away or I’d be contacting spoa and telling my son to hit back harder (which I had really been avoiding doing).

I’m a teacher and no matter the reason, my pupils deserve to feel safe and not be hurt.

You need to contact the school every time something happens as otherwise no they can’t do anything.
Arrange a meeting with the head so they know you’re serious and don’t let it go. You’re teaching your daughter to put up with violence.

@Exegete How are you this morning? You probably didn’t expect your simple question to receive a barrage of replies, and most focussing on the sub- text in your op, and not your actual question.

However, please take them seriously. As someone upthread said, don’t be guilty of accusing ‘the disabled kid’. You need to advocate for your child. If a non-SEN kid treated your daughter (and her classmates) the way this kid does, you’d be up in arms. Don’t be a passive parent and start supporting and believing your child. Don’t be fobbed by the school either and ask for their bullying policy. To use a cliche, every child matters.

I'd tell her the truth I'm really sorry ? But my daughter doesn't want to come to the party, your son is hurting her every day at school and she said she's stopped telling me because nobody does anything to stop it.
I'd also ask from her to move classes or I'd move her to another school.
I know he's frustrated because he's non verbal but on this level of aggression I wonder does he know so of what he's doing to keep bullying the same child.
Lots of none verbal children are very clever.

“Tell her the truth, kindly. Avoiding it helps no one. You can’t expose your daughter to violence from this boy whether it’s his fault or not.”

This with bells on. It’s sad and difficult for the parents and for the young lad who does not mean harm but it’s really worrying that people have normalised the fact that your DD is being physically assaulted. This will create a troublesome legacy for her unless it is resolved. It doesn’t help the family to lie about this.

Our younger daughter is ND and although she didn’t physically hurt people at school she faced some difficulties socially and with teachers because of some of the behaviour which came with being ND. Painful as it was, it was appropriate that we saw the consequences of this as it meant we had to deal with it. Things improved when we properly understood what was going on.

I would kindly tell her the truth.
but you said you were also sad they are not friends anymore so you could tell her that too so she knows this is not what you want but it can’t be helped right now.
she might appreciate knowing that so she can figure out a way moving forward.

Say your DH had invited people over and forgotten to tell you, huh typical man kind of thing. So unfortunately your DD can't make it.
Then at another time, say something about the hitting. The more parents say to the school, and the parents of this little lad, the better picture they have of what he needs, and what the other children need to keep them safe.

Also if he is really that bad and doesn't know what he's doing any of the time, he needs to go to a specialist school where the teachers have special training to deal with children like this

If you make up an excuse she will know the real reason and it will hurt more that you felt the need to lie than if you mention the real reason for declining. Be honest and tell her the truth in the kindest way you can. Making up an excuse might make it easier for you but harder for her, and it sounds like she has it hard enough already, so I would do the kinder thing and be truthful.

Make up a white lie about the party; speak to the school on Monday urgently about the physical assaults; then, if appropriate/needed, explain to the mum that your DD no longer wants to be friends with him because of the constant assaults.

You might well find that she’s not the only child who doesn’t want to engage with this boy. The school should be doing far more to keep other children safe.

The school aren't meeting the boys needs and because of that are failing the other children too.

His behaviour wouldn't be tolerated in an SEN setting, but because he's in a mainstream that's not prepared / equipped to meet his needs, his behaviour is excused by his differences. The longer this goes on, the more entrenched the harm for him; he might eventually struggle to find settings that will take him, and all the while he's being denied the opportunity to make proper friendships of his own.

Meanwhile, the other children, like your DD, are learning from bitter experience that there are occasions it is ok to accept being treated violently, and that the adults in charge won't help.

Inclusion can work but it isn't in this scenario and needs urgently dealing with.

School need to know this isn't ok. I think the other mum deserves a very sensitive version of the truth. It sounds as if she might not know the extent to which the school is failing her child. It's a very sad, tough position for her to be in, especially right now with council cuts making adequate SEN provision very hard to get.

I agree with @Lampslights 100% don't be a people pleaser, tell the truth for your daughter, she is your priority, don't worry about offending someone else, his mother needs to know the truth and he needs to go to a SEN school, Main Street is no good for him or the other kids.

I'm a teacher and often we are being assaulted too. I appreciate that we are adults and this is an entirely different situation. Of course no child (or adult) should go into school and be hurt. There is no funding in schools and no support. We have large classes with multiple children of varying needs. This situation could be distressing for the teacher too who can't be and see everything at once. Who has spoke to the parents and asked for support in school but isn't being given any. It's a really difficult and sensitive situation. All children should be supported, feel safe and have their needs met but the money, resources and support just isn't there. I think it's awful that this little girl is being hurt but I can also see how this other child might really struggle with impulse control, sensory overload, managing emotions etc yet is expected to be integrated into the class and cope with situations that are very difficult for them with no support due to underfunding. I think the parents should be informed as to why this little girl doesn't want to go but also to mindful about how distressed and worried that the little boys parents must be about his behavioural problems and the impact this also has on his social skills and ability to make friends.

Sorry I meant to say I agree with lamps1 not lamps lights.

Tell her the truth, for the sake of her child who clearly isn't recieving the care and support he needs and your daughter who should not be put in a position where she is getting hurt at school. I would also be arranging a meeting with the school because this is NOT ok, not even a little bit.

There was a lad in my daughters primary school with additional needs. He often lashed out at my daughter and other girls. If she accidently touched him when walking he would scream in her face. Then it turned into hitting her, pinching her, grabbing her arms and squeezing, shoving her etc. Teachers always told her "he can't help it" and he never got in any trouble. He clearly became more confident with his behaviour because towards the end of their time in this school he started to leave the girls alone and the boys started receiving all the abuse instead. Plus it escalated, instead of pushing and pinching he started trying to strangle children.

Neither you or the school should be minimizing his behaviour. It is not ok for your daughter to be hurt by anybody - she must be taught this. Stick up for her.

Stop allowing your daughter to be assaulting the name of "be kind "
Speak to the mother and also tell the school to stop it happening

You. Need to keep the party separate from the hitting... Turn the party down . Then on a few weeks if still going on mention it to the mother although tbh you should go via the school and not talk to the parents about it

I'd say 'Bad news, I'm afraid. I got home and told Margot about Archie's party and it turns out that he's been shoving her into the railings at school every morning for the past week and she's not currently talking to him. I'm sure it will blow over, but as things stand she's not in the mood to attend the party. We all appreciate the challenges Archie faces but now he's getting bigger and stronger it's becoming more difficult to ignore the pushing and grabbing. I hope he has a lovely party.'

And I would quietly also go to the school and explain the situation, but without all the 'my daughter's rights' hyperbole displayed here. Just go along as a reasonable, understanding parent who's aware that she could have ended up with an Archie instead of a Margot, and say 'I think there's a problem and I'm wondering how we sort it out.' Good luck.

I’m sorry but I don’t understand how not telling the truth is going to be helpful? Everyone knows that excuses are just that. One kid flat out refused to participate in my sons football party last year - and you know, it was ok because kids are kids and you can’t make them do what they don’t want to do.
I would honestly just say the truth. Along the lines ‘thank you so much for the invite and I thought that my daughter would be excited to come and celebrate but it seems to me that she’s scared and is refusing to come. I believe it’s due to her being shoved and pushed at school. I guess until it’s resolved there’s not much I can do…” Dad did tell you that he can’t do much about his son’s behaviour, didn’t he?? Well, your daughter is being assaulted at school and everyone around her is enabling it by turning a blind eye because the kid has a disability. Your daughter doesn’t even bother telling anyone… means she’s accepted that she’s worthy of abuse because she’s someone’s favourite. Can you see the implications it’s going to have later in life? Same goes for the boy… I’ll be all over ofsted to be honest

You need to stand up for your daughter.

"Hey mum, just spoken to DD about party, thought she'd be really excited but it turns out DD and DS aren't getting along at the moment. She's said he's hitting and pushing alot and the teachers aren't doing anything, I'm going to talk to the school about it this week, obviously it's not good for either of them if school aren't doing anything. Sorry, I know it must be hard and DS is a lovely boy but DD was so upset about it all."

She needs to know the school aren't managing her sons behaviour well. And mostly you need to show.your daughter that even though it's hard you have to stand up for yourself.

As the parent to a disabled child I'd want to know if my child wasn't coping in school and was hurting other kids. That's not OK. He needs a 1-1 or a special needs school. You hiding what is happening is helping no one and your child's just being attacked. I don't get why you wouldn't tell the mum / teacher every single time it happened. It's the only way the boy will get the support he needs and your child will then be safe.

This child sounds like a volatile risk to other children.

It's not fair that he's put where he can be a risk to them and make them fearful.

Please always stick up for your daughter.

Imagine a man at your work who would roughly push and shove you and grab glasses off your face?

It's very invasive and threatening.

As a mum of a child who can behave like this - he’s been very much better since he’s been diagnosed with ADHD and is on meds.

I sincerely hope you don’t do this. It is unnecessary and really unkind if its done to avoid you having any conflict.

you need to tell her the truth. The hitting and the party are connected and it is reasonable to explain this in a kind and understanding manner. You’ve had some good advice upthread on how. You also need to speak to the school because this situation is unacceptable. Go goodness sake you child has stopped telling you what is happening. You need to advocate for her and she needs to see you do it.

You def need to tell mum reason why but be kind about it

Sure she knows her sons behaviour

But your dd shouldn't have to put up with it and be bullied /hurt at school or anywhere

She is telling you she gets hurt and nothing is being done

You need to talk to her class teacher - pasterol care and headteacher

Maybe email and copy all so written paper trail