Should I tell this mum the truth or a kind lie?

[Exegete]

DD7 goes to school with a little boy with a disability (he has difficulties walking and doesn’t talk). They’ve been in the same class since reception and DD has always been occasionally complaining about him hitting her. Never anything serious, but she would often mention (usually without looking distressed) that he had grabbed her glasses off her face, pushed her in the line or slapped her. They were good friends and would often play together but he would sometimes suddenly get angry without any warnings. He does also hit other children, but DD is definitely one of his favourite. I saw him recently on a school outing, one minute he’s all smiles and giggles, the next minute out of the blue he grabs a child and pushes him to the floor. I explained to DD that he doesn’t mean to hurt her and that he gets overwhelmed when frustrated and she can tell him to stop or walk away when he’s aggressive. I thought it would get better as he grew up. Well the boy is now turning 8, he’s bigger and stronger and it got worse.

Today the boy’s mum tells me she’s organising a little birthday party for him (a play date and cake with a few friends at their home). She asked if DD was free, I (stupidly) said she was, thanked her for the invitation and I would get back to her. So I didn’t really say yes she’ll come, but I also said we had nothing planned that day.
I thought DD would be happy to go (she did go to his birthday last year and had a good time). Well she firmly refuses to go. She said he shoved her in the railings while lining in the playground today again, he does that all the time now, she just doesn’t bother telling me or the teacher because there’s nothing we can do.
So now what do I tell the boy’s mum? I don’t know her well at all, I feel for her, I’m sad my DD and her son are not friends anymore, but I also won’t force DD to go if she’s scared of him. So my idea is that I need to put on my big girl’s pants and tell the mum the truth. As gently as possible. That I’m sorry but DD doesn’t want to go because her son hits her when he’s upset and she’s a bit scared (how do I word it?!).
Then my husband tells me being honest is cruel and selfish, that a little lie (“sorry we have other plans”) would spare their feelings. But I’m shit at lying, and also I already said we were free that day so she’ll know and I’ll hurt her feelings even more…
Yanbu: tell the truth (how?)
Yabu: tell a white lie

There was a kid with an acquired brain injury in my sons class at school, he had awful outbursts but ultimately it wasn't his fault. It was such a sad situation as you could see his needs weren't being met and this was in a SN school !

It's s tricky one, whilst I wouldn't want to see a child left out because of his disability at the same time I wouldn't want my child to be hurt or feel threatened. Definitely have a chat to the mum, she may be unaware or may be trying to get him out of his current school into a more suitable setting. This could be helpful evidence for her

I know you don't mean to but you're teaching your daughter that she needs to accept going to a place every day where she faces abuse and nothing is done, that's a dangerous lesson to teach a 7 year old, you need to put your big girl pants on and make sure this little boy NEVER hurts your daughter again. I'm astounded you've left her to face this alone for so long and seem to have convinced her they were friends at one point, friends don't hurt you 🤷‍♀️

Firstly I would be completely honest with this child's mum as sensitively as you can of course, she needs to know and lying to her will serve no purpose. And secondly, the school is not doing enough to protect your daughter from regular assault. This will have a lasting impact on her if it's not dealt with properly. She deserves to feel safe at school, in the same way that the other child deserves a high level of support to promote his understanding that while it's ok to feel frustrated, it's NOT ok to hurt others He needs to be taught safer ways to express his frustration.

I wouldn't be approaching the mum tbh, you need to be speaking to the school, it's their job to speak to the mum.

He has a disability and is non verbal. Ffs. Are people really this dumb/uninformed about disability? At least the OP has some sensitivity.

Agree with LAMPS every word.

Yes the “easy” (pathetic) people pleaser option is to lie through your teeth but for both children’s sake you need to do the harder yet right thing. Explain to the mum calmly and kindly the truth. The parents need to know. If it sinks in their son is beginning to be rejected by his peers and facing negative consequences himself for his behaviour they might be more proactive in getting him more support.

Personally I’d tell a white lie. They know he does this. Nothing can be gained from the truth other than the mum feeling hurt he’s losing friends over it.

Given that I was in OP's daughter's position (see my previous post), I disagree with this. I think the mother needs to know that her son's support needs are not being met, and the consequences are that OP's daughter is being hit. Its absolutely not about blame/fault. The son may very well be unable to help it. Depending on his degree of disability, he may not be able to learn that its not okay to hit others. But in that case, he needs a much higher rate of supervision and support than he's currently getting. Little girls can't be the collatoral damage here.

Exactly this. Don’t try and tiptoe around the subject and don’t assume the parents know exactly what’s going on. Since the teachers clearly aren’t addressing it, I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re not speaking to the parents.

I don’t know why people are advising differently. Not hurting the feelings of the boys mother doesn’t take priority over your child’s safety. So far you seek to be teaching your daughter that this boy is allowed to hit her because it’s “not his fault”.

I think I'd gently tell the truth:
Mary, I mentioned the party to dd and she immediately got upset. She says xxx is always hitting and pushing her at school and she feels nothing can be done about it. I think we better take a rain check. I'm so sorry, but I have to respect dd and help her sort this out.

It doesn't matter. Other children shouldn't have to deal with being hurt by someone who has a disability. It doesn't mean it can't be handled sensitively, but being sensitive doesn't mean allowing your own child to be their punching bag.

It’s not about being uninformed. It’s about ensuring things are done when other people are harmed, regardless of the reason.

(edited for typo)

Unless you gently tell the truth, this will keep occuring in the future.

Indeed.

Just text this morning and say you can’t go unfortunately. Your husband’s sister is visiting and your husband had loosely arranged a family meal but had forgotten to communicate it with you. You hope he has a lovely birthday. Next time the boy hits out you can speak to school about it and/or the mum but leave it for now. Also, prepare your daughter to deal with it next time, i .e. to tell a teacher.

This in spades.

Sorry, OP, but this party should be the least of your worries.

I have to be blunt here because I'm so shocked - what the fuck have you taught your 7 year old daughter that she's regularly physically abused by another (male) child and has stopped telling any adult about it because they won't do anything about it? Jesus Christ.

Whether this little boy is culpable for his actions or not is neither here nor there - his needs are a totally separate issue for his parents and and the school and frankly none of your concern. Your daughter's well-being, on the other hand, is YOUR responsibility and you are failing her.

I've no doubt it comes from a good place of wanting to be (or be seen as) kind and inclusive but you are over-focused on your sympathy for this other child to the extent you're willing to over-look the physical abuse of your daughter while teaching her that this is 'friendship'. You are in fact 'sad' that your daughter is no longer 'friends' with the boy who regularly hits her. Why? Your daughter is not a lamb to sacrificed on the altar of making a violent boy (however much this is prompted by a disability) feel better nor, date I say, burnishing your credentials for 'niceness' and 'tolerance'.

Personally re the party I would tell the gentle truth either now or at a slightly later date so the parents are aware and can take the whole picture into consideration but in the meantime I would be pursuing this issue relentlessly with the school and, if necessary, the LA until they managed to protect my child from physical harm while she attend her compulsory education.

Blimey.

Yeah and for that you speak to the teachers because the school has a responsibility to meet the needs of SEN kids and to ensure others kids safety. You don’t tell the mum that her son is violent and that your daughter doesn’t want to come to his birthday party. She knows - she probably thinks about it every moment of the day. Have some compassion- it’s brutal. This is nowhere near the same as tolerating bullying.

There’s a collective failure here to protect a child who is being hit or shoved regularly and a father who thinks it’s more important to spare others’ feelings than protect his own daughter. What message does it give dd about the world she lives in. The school should be doing more to safeguard her and her parents should advocate for her, not fear being seen as ‘cruel and selfish’ to others.

So that gives him a get- out-of- jail card and permits him to hit other children, hold them against the rails etc. I’m sorry, this behaviour needs to be managed for the safety of all children. He’s eight now and will be getting bigger and stronger soon, and will be able do serious harm.

But the school are not meeting their responsibility to OP’s dd.

It’s better the mum knows what is happening in school. I’d rather know kids weren’t coming to the party due to the violent behaviour rather than because they just don’t like him.

If op then approaches the school, don’t you think the mum will figure it out anyway, and also know people were lying to her? Personally i think that’s worse. The mum will find out the truth anyway, either now or soon.

This.

He does also hit other children, but DD is definitely one of his favourite.

OP, I would look into whether the school are using your daughter as a pacifier for this boy. It is not female responsibility to keep violent boys calm.

Have you asked for her to be moved to a different class?

💯

I’m also shocked to see this has been going on for a few years now. Your daughter is learning that a boy can be violent towards her and there’s no point in her even mentioning it.

Please push the school hard to get the protection your DD needs!