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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell this mum the truth or a kind lie?

313 replies

Exegete · 22/03/2024 23:39

DD7 goes to school with a little boy with a disability (he has difficulties walking and doesn’t talk). They’ve been in the same class since reception and DD has always been occasionally complaining about him hitting her. Never anything serious, but she would often mention (usually without looking distressed) that he had grabbed her glasses off her face, pushed her in the line or slapped her. They were good friends and would often play together but he would sometimes suddenly get angry without any warnings. He does also hit other children, but DD is definitely one of his favourite. I saw him recently on a school outing, one minute he’s all smiles and giggles, the next minute out of the blue he grabs a child and pushes him to the floor. I explained to DD that he doesn’t mean to hurt her and that he gets overwhelmed when frustrated and she can tell him to stop or walk away when he’s aggressive. I thought it would get better as he grew up. Well the boy is now turning 8, he’s bigger and stronger and it got worse.

Today the boy’s mum tells me she’s organising a little birthday party for him (a play date and cake with a few friends at their home). She asked if DD was free, I (stupidly) said she was, thanked her for the invitation and I would get back to her. So I didn’t really say yes she’ll come, but I also said we had nothing planned that day.
I thought DD would be happy to go (she did go to his birthday last year and had a good time). Well she firmly refuses to go. She said he shoved her in the railings while lining in the playground today again, he does that all the time now, she just doesn’t bother telling me or the teacher because there’s nothing we can do.
So now what do I tell the boy’s mum? I don’t know her well at all, I feel for her, I’m sad my DD and her son are not friends anymore, but I also won’t force DD to go if she’s scared of him. So my idea is that I need to put on my big girl’s pants and tell the mum the truth. As gently as possible. That I’m sorry but DD doesn’t want to go because her son hits her when he’s upset and she’s a bit scared (how do I word it?!).
Then my husband tells me being honest is cruel and selfish, that a little lie (“sorry we have other plans”) would spare their feelings. But I’m shit at lying, and also I already said we were free that day so she’ll know and I’ll hurt her feelings even more…
Yanbu: tell the truth (how?)
Yabu: tell a white lie

OP posts:
Pastachocolate · 23/03/2024 08:11

Tell the truth. It may form a tiny part of evidence that the parents can use in pushing for better support.

BMW6 · 23/03/2024 08:12

Soso85 · 23/03/2024 07:47

I would kindly tell her the truth.
but you said you were also sad they are not friends anymore so you could tell her that too so she knows this is not what you want but it can’t be helped right now.
she might appreciate knowing that so she can figure out a way moving forward.

Edited

This. The truth is surely better here for everyone so a better future outcome can be attempted at least.

PlumbersWifey · 23/03/2024 08:13

Pastachocolate · 23/03/2024 08:11

Tell the truth. It may form a tiny part of evidence that the parents can use in pushing for better support.

This, but I'd say it would form a lot of evidence. It clearly shows the school cannot meet his needs.

serin · 23/03/2024 08:13

OMG OP, stop being so bloody passive. You are more concerned with hurting the other Mum's feelings than protecting your own DD.

OvertiredandConfused · 23/03/2024 08:21

Saymyname28 · 23/03/2024 08:05

You need to stand up for your daughter.

"Hey mum, just spoken to DD about party, thought she'd be really excited but it turns out DD and DS aren't getting along at the moment. She's said he's hitting and pushing alot and the teachers aren't doing anything, I'm going to talk to the school about it this week, obviously it's not good for either of them if school aren't doing anything. Sorry, I know it must be hard and DS is a lovely boy but DD was so upset about it all."

She needs to know the school aren't managing her sons behaviour well. And mostly you need to show.your daughter that even though it's hard you have to stand up for yourself.

This.

Your DD should be your priority and that’s why you raise it and make sure she knows it’s not okay.

It’s also not fair for the boy to be in this situation - he clearly needs more support or supervision and will only stand a chance of getting that if everyone knows the truth!

LipstickLil · 23/03/2024 08:22

Actually I think you SHOULD tell her in relation to the party, because he needs to understand that actions (him hitting your DD) have consequences (she doesn't want to go to his party and is scared of him). ATM, it sounds like he's been getting away with hitting, shoving and other generally unpleasant behaviour because he has disabilities. I know some kids need a bit of compassion and perhaps more understanding, but it's not okay to physically abuse your friends and if you do that then they won't stay your friends! And I think it's about time this little boy got this message loud and clear!

6pence · 23/03/2024 08:23

Tell her the truth gently.

Beautiful3 · 23/03/2024 08:24

My eldest had a similar issue. I messaged the mum and said, " I'm really sorry but she doesn't want to come." Nothing else was said, the mum obviously understood why. We remained friendly afterwards. If she does ask why just explain, "it's because he keeps pushing and hitting her in school, so sorry."

ForestBather · 23/03/2024 08:27

When my child was repeatedly hurt by a child with SEN, I ended up pulling her out of school and we home-schooled instead. I told the school exactly why. It was clear the boy had greater rights than my daughter had to be safe, so no way was I allowing that to go on.

Clarabell77 · 23/03/2024 08:27

My son has autism and is prone to lashing out. For example, if someone bumps him they’ve done it on purpose and will shout at them, and could possibly hit. I don’t expect this to just be accepted by teachers or other children, or anyone, I want him to learn not to do it, so it’s really important that I’m aware of what he’s doing. I wouldn’t mind another mum raising this with me. Teachers shouldn’t be allowing it to happen either. On the flip side, my son has been hit and bullied a bit verbally and I’ve notified the school to have a discreet word with the kids doing it.

Danascully2 · 23/03/2024 08:27

I would talk to the school not the mum about the behaviour; explanations/instructions at home may well have pretty limited effect in a sen situation.
It's the school's job to keep both children safe while they're at school.
I recently had to contact the school because of some repeated incidents with other children being unpleasant to my son. One of the others has sen and the other two are probably nice enough kids who are a bit immature or struggling with their own feelings around growing up. I don't know any of their parents well but I have known them all since they were toddlers and it did feel uncomfortable telling school but I had to prioritise my child who isn't always very assertive. School seem to have taken some appropriate action and my child felt relieved that his teacher knew.

TudorClock · 23/03/2024 08:33

Morewineplease10 · 23/03/2024 00:50

Ffs, stick up for your DD. I feel outraged on behalf she's had to put up with this!

Party is a separate issue but I'm glad she is refusing to go.

This nails it.

Your daughter is being hurt at school repeatedly and doesn't even bother telling you sny more as she feels she has to take it? What kind of lesson is this teaching her? Be less worried about how the other mum will feel and more worried about protecting your child.

wafflingworrier · 23/03/2024 08:39

Copperoliverbear · 23/03/2024 07:49

Also if he is really that bad and doesn't know what he's doing any of the time, he needs to go to a specialist school where the teachers have special training to deal with children like this

Slight tangent but these behaviours wouldn't qualify for a special school anymore, most classes at primary have at least one regularly violent SEN child in them without proper funding to support them. It is an absolutely shameful situation and one of the many reasons teachers striked. I am a primary teacher and now get hit, spat at, kicked, furniture thrown at me regularly and am told "it's just part of the job now".
Teachers got a pay rise that hadn't been met with an uplift in school funding from government, so this situation will get worse, not better.

Randomworkmoan · 23/03/2024 08:40

Some of the replies here are genuinely pathetic. Flat tyre, blame the husband double booking like a typical man. Ffs.

Your daughter is refusing to go, which is great she has a back bone, that she clearly didn't get from you! But now it's time to follow her lead and advocate for her

"Hi Pauline, I spoke too soon yesterday when you asked about the party. I spoke to dd and she doesn't want to go. Lately the hitting has gotten much worse and of course dd doesn't want to be subjected to that.

I am going to arrange a meeting with the school to discuss how we can try resolve this going forward.

Enjoy the party, I hope x has a lovely birthday. I do appreciate x has additional needs so this message is meant kindly to you, lying about why dd couldn't go and then springing a meeting on you next week would be unfair, but I equally need to protect dd from being hurt at school. Hopefully we can sort something that helps both kids."

Something like that seems kinder all round to me. I would appreciate a straight but fair message if I was that mother, since that's what you seem most concerned about

Riverlee · 23/03/2024 08:40

“It was clear the boy had greater rights than my daughter had to be safe, “

This sentence jumped out at me from @ForestBather post above. Do you feel this is the case because of their disability? Are you scared of being ‘the mum’ who complains about ‘the disabled kid’? Is the other mum a bit of a Queen Bee and appears untouchable? Don’t be scared. Put your child first.

LAMPS1 · 23/03/2024 08:41

Alphavilla · 23/03/2024 07:30

I would be honest with the mother about her child’s violence at school and how it’s left her daughter feeling.

i am also bemused by all the pps saying the school should ensure this behaviour cannot occur and to safeguard all the children all the time. On a practical level, how on earth are they supposed to do that? My daughter is a newly qualified teacher in a small village school. She has around 5 out of 20 children in her class who have SEN and behavioural issues including lashing out. That’s a quarter of her class. She does not even have a full time TA and so for much of the school day she is on her own. One to one supervision for the difficult children would be a dream but simply not going to happen. She cannot single handedly manage the disruptive children and teach the whole class the curriculum at the same time. One boy triggers over nothing and is completely unpredictable. The school has sanctions but none that the difficult children care about, such as going down on the chart, or losing time off break. In fact losing break time means they don’t get to run off their frustrations and makes them worse. I appreciate the OPs problem and all those whose children are attacked by SENs or disabled children but I honestly don’t know how schools and teachers are supposed to ‘ensure it never happens’. It’s absolutely an impossible situation for my daughter who loves the teaching aspect of her chosen career but already the behaviour management of the class is wearing her out and she’s thinking of quitting.

The only way to deal with this dilemma is to keep reporting it upwards until the government finally gets the message and makes the decision to dedicate sufficient funds and training to SEN.
Keeping quiet solves nothing at all and only enables this massive problem to grow.
The government will only take notice when sufficient numbers of skilled and dedicated teachers (like your own DD) resign. It needs to become a crisis. It needs to become a scandal.

OP’s child is already weary and worn down by this on-going problem and has become accepting. She has normalised the situation as she knows reporting doesn’t change things for her.

We should not just leave the problem with that little girl and hundreds like her. We must raise our expectations and be outraged for both children in this scenario. And for their teacher and HT and County Council, until notice is taken at the right level.

Parents and teachers on the front line of this impossible situation must speak up every single time. It’s the only way forward.

Stressedafff · 23/03/2024 08:45

You need to go into the school and persue the assaults. Shes going in school every day and being physically hit or pushed.
Shes already keeping quiet about it because she thinks no one will do anything, this is teaching her that with a valid reason it’s okay for someone to assault you. It isn’t.

Funfuninthesunsun · 23/03/2024 08:45

I don't understand why you're fine with your daughter being repeatedly hurt? Are you that much of a people pleaser? What lessons are you teaching her?

You need to be speaking to the school properly about this behavior and say no to the party.

Createausername1970 · 23/03/2024 08:46

As a mother of a child who's behaviour wasn't great and who struggled with friendships, I think I would have wanted to have known the truth. Yes, I would have been upset and sad for my lovely boy, who just didn't fit in, but it would have prepared me for more refusals and excuses from other parents, which might happen.

One person giving an honest reason for refusal is better than six "suddenly" being busy or cancelling on the day, which would be awful for the boy.

olympicsrock · 23/03/2024 08:51

I think it’s kinder and more respectful t the mum to let her know why DD doesn’t want to come .
Then she won’t feel blindsided when you address it with the school.

5128gap · 23/03/2024 08:53

I disagree with making up an excuse. People aren't daft. You've already said DD was free and children talk too. There's every chance DD will tell the child at some point she didn't want to go/doesn't like him anymore as children tend to be more straightforward than we are. Personally I'd tell the truth, but keep it light touch 'Sorry other mum, but it seems there's been a bit of a spat between DC, and DD is saying she'd rather not come this time. Hopefully it will blow over..' This also gently introduces the conversations that will need to be had at some point so it wont come out of nowhere.
If her child is behaving in a way that is leading to other DC not wanting to be around him, it's no kindness to child or mum to hide this, she needs to know so she can support him to address his behaviour.

thesunday · 23/03/2024 08:54

LAMPS1 · 23/03/2024 04:48

OP, please don’t make up an excuse. The mum needs to know that the school aren’t managing her child’s needs properly and that her son is becoming isolated from his peers because of that.

Tell the mum the truth. Yes it will be hard for her to hear but shouldn’t be glossed over, now you know about it, as that helps neither child.

You can do it in a kind and gentle way. it is a shared problem that you both need help from the school to solve.

Tell her that you were very surprised by your DD’s reaction when you mentioned the party in that she was adamant that she was fed up of being hurt and pushed about by him and didn’t want to expose herself to any more of it than necessary at school, so wouldn’t be going to his party. Tell her how upset you were to hear her say that, not only for your own DD, but also for her son, because it seems she has become a target for him to take out his frustrations on and obviously that isn’t being monitored, which neither of you can allow to continue.
Ask her to have a word with the teacher, about her son’s growing isolation from his friends because of this issue and tell her you will be doing the same so that you can both find out how it will be managed properly going forward. Tell her you feel for her in this situation but you are sure she understands that you too, must advocate for your own child.
Finally, tell her that as your DD is upset about it all, you have made other fun day trip arrangements for her in lieu of the party.

Then talk to the class teacher urgently about this and tell her what has happened. Insist that a new and much more effective strategy is put in place to safeguard your DD from this little boy as it has become a growing daily occurrence which is now seriously impacting her health and well-being. Tell the teacher that you have asked your DD to alert the teacher or TA to every incident where this little boy slaps, pushes or is otherwise bullying her and that you insist that all such incidents are recorded properly as you will be doing the same at home to help monitor the situation. Arrange a follow up meeting date to show how serious you are about this being managed properly. When you get home, make a record of what was said and date it.

This is a well thought out plan and it also is kind to the other mum and in the end gets the boy the support he needs. I’d follow it to a T.

And just to chime in with everyone else.

If you keep your daughter in this situation it will very likely have a damaging lifelong effect on her self esteem. You’re teaching her that no one is helping her when she gets physically abused and that she has to suck it up. And mostly she’ll feel lifelong pains that the people who were meant to protect her have let her down.

so it’s not that ‘you probably should go and speak to the school…’. You GOT to kick up a roar about this! I’d be on the phone to the school on Monday

Gingerbread981 · 23/03/2024 08:55

What’s wrong with being honest? How’s this mum ever going to know if no one speaks up?
i certainly don’t think letting them down at the last minute with a made up excuse is going to help the situation!

timenowplease · 23/03/2024 08:55

'Being kind' means allowing your daughter to be physically abused over and over and teaching her that it's ok because ''reasons'.

Poor girl.

Viviennemary · 23/03/2024 08:57

BreakingAndBroke · 22/03/2024 23:46

By all means talk to the other mum about the hitting, but don't do it in the context of his birthday party. Make your excuses and don't go, but if things continue with the hitting, speak to her about it separately once the party is done and dusted.

I agree with this. Tell the Mum about the hitting so she is aware. Can you go along to the party to keep an eye on things. That's what I would try to do

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