Should I tell this mum the truth or a kind lie?

[Exegete]

DD7 goes to school with a little boy with a disability (he has difficulties walking and doesn’t talk). They’ve been in the same class since reception and DD has always been occasionally complaining about him hitting her. Never anything serious, but she would often mention (usually without looking distressed) that he had grabbed her glasses off her face, pushed her in the line or slapped her. They were good friends and would often play together but he would sometimes suddenly get angry without any warnings. He does also hit other children, but DD is definitely one of his favourite. I saw him recently on a school outing, one minute he’s all smiles and giggles, the next minute out of the blue he grabs a child and pushes him to the floor. I explained to DD that he doesn’t mean to hurt her and that he gets overwhelmed when frustrated and she can tell him to stop or walk away when he’s aggressive. I thought it would get better as he grew up. Well the boy is now turning 8, he’s bigger and stronger and it got worse.

Today the boy’s mum tells me she’s organising a little birthday party for him (a play date and cake with a few friends at their home). She asked if DD was free, I (stupidly) said she was, thanked her for the invitation and I would get back to her. So I didn’t really say yes she’ll come, but I also said we had nothing planned that day.
I thought DD would be happy to go (she did go to his birthday last year and had a good time). Well she firmly refuses to go. She said he shoved her in the railings while lining in the playground today again, he does that all the time now, she just doesn’t bother telling me or the teacher because there’s nothing we can do.
So now what do I tell the boy’s mum? I don’t know her well at all, I feel for her, I’m sad my DD and her son are not friends anymore, but I also won’t force DD to go if she’s scared of him. So my idea is that I need to put on my big girl’s pants and tell the mum the truth. As gently as possible. That I’m sorry but DD doesn’t want to go because her son hits her when he’s upset and she’s a bit scared (how do I word it?!).
Then my husband tells me being honest is cruel and selfish, that a little lie (“sorry we have other plans”) would spare their feelings. But I’m shit at lying, and also I already said we were free that day so she’ll know and I’ll hurt her feelings even more…
Yanbu: tell the truth (how?)
Yabu: tell a white lie

Most have said to be honest. You're first reaction of ehag to say was spot on. What will you do if she says well have his party at a different time so that your dd can come?

This is a good idea!

It's disgusting and heartbreaking that your daughter has got to the point where she just accepts being hurt and doesn't bother telling anyone because nobody will do anything.

She is your priority. Not him. And certainly not his mum's feelings.

The school need your boot up their arse. They are failing all the children and it is not acceptable.

My sons have autism and have been the violent ones and believe me when the school put them in a situation where they were able to hurt another child I was furious. That should not be allowed to happen. It is a failure in the schools duty of care.

"she just doesn’t bother telling me or the teacher because there’s nothing we can do"

Well I can see how she has arrived at that conclusion although it's more that you don't do anything rather thank can't. Be kiiiind, he can't help it.

I think you should tell this woman that you're not happy with your dd regularly being assaulted by her son. Would you ok with being beaten a man on a regular basis? I would also report every incident to the school. Your daughter deserves to feel safe and happy at school.

Your daughter deserves to feel safe and happy at school

Yoir daughter needs to know her parents have her back.

Telling the truth gives the mother and child opportunities to fully recognise how his behaviour has got out of hand and motivation to attempt different ways of overcoming the behaviour, which it sounds like everyone generally just accepts. Just say
“Thank you for your kind invitation but I spoke with dd and she doesn’t wish to attend because she’s been feeling a little scared of your son’s behaviour recently, more specifically when he is physical with her. I’ll continue to help her understand why your son sometimes behaves this way, and I hope they can get their friendship back on track, but it’s important I respect her wishes and don’t put her in a position where I make her do things she’s not comfortable with. I hope your son has a lovely party”.

First answer was the best answer. White lie now and bring up the pushing issue separately.

You don't even care that much about the party (fair enough). Don't turn this into a messy issue with the party as a red herring, or sound like you're punishing her DS, being petty, etc. She'll figure out anyway why you weren't too keen on the party once you raise the pushing issue.

Your grievance and desire to protect your DD is legitimate so keep it clean, separate and politics free.

Probably too late now but I'd tell the truth. You don't have to do it in a confrontational way. I really don't understand all the "dont do it relating to the party " answers. It does relate to the party.

"Hi, I know I said DD could come to the party but unfortunately she really doesn't want to. She's told me your DS has been hitting her a lot recently, and that she's scared to be around him. "

You said you don't know the mum well, you're not friends so if she did take offence, it's no loss. She will kniw what her sons issues are.

The party - make an excuse and don’t force her to go.

The hitting. - teach your daughter she must tell someone EVERY time it happens. She doesn’t have to put up with this.

This disabled boy and his classmates are being utterly failed.

He can’t help his behaviour but the school can / should be helping him. If prone to unprovoked outbursts that are putting others at risk and in fear - he needs a 1:1 trained to spot his triggers and reduce the likelihood of him attacking others and also team teach to be able to physically intervene if necessary to keep him and others safe The only way he will get this level of support (as money is so tight) is evidence.

Every incident needs logging so the school can build a case to get the support he needs. So both pupils and parents need to be saying something to the school.

Please don’t feel bad ‘telling on the disabled kid’ - you are not being mean or nasty. You are (1) trying quite tightly to protect your child as is your duty and right and (2) indirectly probably helping this little lad get the right support he needs.

Mine both are disabled / have sen and there came a point where no matter how nice the idea of ‘inclusion’ is in a mainstream school is - it just didn’t meet their needs.

One did better with 1:1 in mainstream but ultimately both needed and thrived in specialist provisions that had people fully trained and the staffing levels required to manage the children’s complex needs.

Please speak up to the school - not just for your daughters sake but to help this little boy get help too.

But the "wise mumsnetters" overwhelmingly voted that you should tell the mother of the abusive child the truth.

Is there not a number on the invite? Tell
her your sorry DD can’t make it after all.

For the hitting etc go via the school. Tell them what’s been happening and ask them how they will keep your dd safe. Report every incident to them.

I would encourage all children to tell the teacher every time it happens. He cannot be allowed to hurt with impunity. They should be aware of all triggering incidents to best support and protect all children. Telling school enables this to happen.
Eg if transitions/lining up are triggering, the chuld should be always at the front of the line or sent in first. A simple fix. Repeat for lunches etc. A simple "if you hurt you are not safe. You must be safe to play outside" type behaviour plan with clear consequences should be put in place for that child and communicated to their parents.

1. All behaviour is communication, so their hitting means they need more support to navigate some interactions and times kf day. School must be proactive in providing this whilst at the same time having boundaries and consequences for lashing out.

That's what I do in my class with a similar scenario and now all children feel safe and violence has massively decreased.

The mum may not be aware of her sons behaviour of the other children aren't reporting it and school aren't telling her.

So all children here are being failed.

He is T getting his needs met and taught effective ways to communicate causing him frustration (all behaviour is communication)

And the other pupils aren't feeling safe and are being hurt which they don't deserve either.

I would tell mum that you didn't realise DH had already accepted another invite that weekend.

Then go into school and talk to them. Tell them to sort it out. That boy needs help and support and your dd needs to be kept safe.

You are letting your daughter believe you have to accept being pushed and hit at school and there's no point complaining. Tell the parent that your daughter doesn't want to go because her son is violent. Tell the school that they need someone monitoring this child's behaviour and intervening if he is aggressive. I'm really shocked at how passive you're being about this. Advocate for your daughter op.

I would tell her the truth, then demand that the school take preventative action to stop it from happening again. If not I would move schools (and did actually, much happier now).

Personally I find it appalling that disruptive violent children like this are sent to mainstream schools. It’s not fair on them or the other children.

It sounds as though school are dealing with this really badly and I really feel for your daughter but also the boy and his parents.

He should be having sufficient supervision (ie 1 to 1) so this doesn’t happen. They should be implementing behaviour management so they can identify what might trigger the behaviour.
id be kind to the Mum and make an excuse, but I’d also find a moment to let her know what’s happening at school and suggest she speak to them about how they are meeting his special educational needs.

The truth is always the better option in my experience. Otherwise the invitations keep coming.

This will sound harsh. In my experience the more violent an SEN child is the more support they will get. You are doing the SEN child no favours by being quiet. Please respect your daughter 's wishes re party and report every instance of violence to the school. He may benefit from it as school can show local authority a log of complaints to back up request for more funds.

I am so shocked by this. That the party is the conundrum? Are you actually joking? Teaching your daughter to be a meek submissive to a violent male- Bravo- some excellent parenting there.

I really feel for mum and child, as the parent of a Sen child I know the feeling of no one wanting to be your child's friend. It's not the boys fault he has Sen or that he struggles to regulate himself. (Not is it the other childrens fault)

If your dd doesn't want to go I would apologise and make an excuse as it's kinder.

I would speak to school or parents again (separately) about behaviour. Obviously it's not your place to know but the school should be putting in place appropriate support for the child so that his behaviour is managed without children getting hurt

I would be honest with the mother about her child’s violence at school and how it’s left her daughter feeling.

i am also bemused by all the pps saying the school should ensure this behaviour cannot occur and to safeguard all the children all the time. On a practical level, how on earth are they supposed to do that? My daughter is a newly qualified teacher in a small village school. She has around 5 out of 20 children in her class who have SEN and behavioural issues including lashing out. That’s a quarter of her class. She does not even have a full time TA and so for much of the school day she is on her own. One to one supervision for the difficult children would be a dream but simply not going to happen. She cannot single handedly manage the disruptive children and teach the whole class the curriculum at the same time. One boy triggers over nothing and is completely unpredictable. The school has sanctions but none that the difficult children care about, such as going down on the chart, or losing time off break. In fact losing break time means they don’t get to run off their frustrations and makes them worse. I appreciate the OPs problem and all those whose children are attacked by SENs or disabled children but I honestly don’t know how schools and teachers are supposed to ‘ensure it never happens’. It’s absolutely an impossible situation for my daughter who loves the teaching aspect of her chosen career but already the behaviour management of the class is wearing her out and she’s thinking of quitting.

You need to raise this with school if the teacher does nothing to the point that your DD stopped bothering raising it. Above the teacher. She has a right to feel safe in school and it is a terrible lesson she’s absorbing now, and not at all what inclusivity is supposed to be about.

I couldn't agree less with not being honest.

I have an autistic son who struggles to self regulate but he is a wonderful and kind human being. He used to hug other kids and sometimes act out in other physical ways. We went through all of this and he has learned to self manage and have boundaries now he is older. The school needs to manage it better.

At least give everyone the dignity of the truth whilst protecting your DD and honouring her feelings.

see my post above. How can the school manage it better pray tell?