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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this very very annoying

293 replies

KungBooPanda · 22/03/2024 15:36

My DH never confirms plans with anyone. He often doesn't plan anything to start with, but he often keeps things vague until last minute.

This Easter weekend we are 'maybe' going to his parents house (about 3 hours from us so we would be staying overnight). I have other people messaging me saying 'shall we pop over during the long weekend for a wine/coffee' and a couple of other things.

I have asked him to confirm either way with his parents and he says 'yeah, i will' but then never calls them. When I press him he says 'oh well i'm sorry your friends are more important than my family' and 'you see friends all the time'.

I just messaged him and said 'are we going to your parents next Friday' and he replied 'not sure yet, why?'

I feel like tearing my hair out.

AIBU? Uptight?

OP posts:
Daffodilsarentfluffy · 22/03/2024 15:37

Tell him to have fun with his dps. You plan having friends round at home. He sounds a nightmare..

VickyEadieofThigh · 22/03/2024 15:38

"Sort it out, Kevin, or I'm making other plans NOW and I will NOT go back on them..."

Pallisers · 22/03/2024 15:38

Tell him he has until 6 pm to decide if he is going to his parents or not. After that, you are making your own plans.

whyismysoupcold · 22/03/2024 15:38

Pallisers · 22/03/2024 15:38

Tell him he has until 6 pm to decide if he is going to his parents or not. After that, you are making your own plans.

I'd be doing this, too. Drives me insane!

Brefugee · 22/03/2024 15:39

Make your plans. If he finally makes a plan with his parents that clashes with yours, tough tits for him, and he can go alone, surely?

ohdamnitjanet · 22/03/2024 15:40

Brefugee · 22/03/2024 15:39

Make your plans. If he finally makes a plan with his parents that clashes with yours, tough tits for him, and he can go alone, surely?

Absolutely, fuck him and enjoy your friends.

NoIamcactusius · 22/03/2024 15:43

Same. Literally just today had to message a friend back to say I was still waiting to hear re plans with in laws. They are coming us. And we are visiting other family. No idea when or what. I refuse to organise it! It’s not my job to organise his family contact.

Mnetcurious · 22/03/2024 15:44

Sounds like he needs it spelling out - “I need to know whether or not we’re going to your parents so that I can accept or decline other people’s arrangements. They're not more important than your family but I would like to make plans if we’re not seeing your family and we can’t do that if it’s left until the last minute. So I’d like to know more in advance what our plans are. If you don’t let me know by x date then I’ll assume we’re not going and say yes to other people”.

SevenSeasOfRhye · 22/03/2024 15:47

Say 'If I don't have a clear answer from you by [time and date] I will not be joining you if you go" - and stick to this.

Maray1967 · 22/03/2024 15:49

As above - give him a deadline and stick to it. Mine has learned …

Bjorkdidit · 22/03/2024 15:50

He hasn't made any plans for next weekend, so you're free to have your friends round.

If he does make his mind up, he can go anyway, and if you have DC, take them with him.

Original poster
KungBooPanda · 22/03/2024 15:51

@NoIamcactusius same! i'm not going to plan his family stuff for him but this results in me not knowing what i'm doing because he just calls them the day before and says 'i'm coming down tomorrow'. we have turned up before to find them not there because the communication between them is so bad. his parents don't want to upset him so they never push for clarity

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 22/03/2024 15:51

Yes, this would drive me mad. But I would also have said 'If you haven't sorted it by X date and X time, then I'm assuming it's not happening and I'm making other plans' long before now.

Original poster
KungBooPanda · 22/03/2024 15:52

god just writing that last sentence - i realise i'm doing the frigging same as his parents! not pushing for clarity to not cause an argument! urgh

OP posts:
Original poster
KungBooPanda · 22/03/2024 15:54

@Bjorkdidit one of the things is a playdate for DS. but you're right -he can go to his parents with the kids without me if necessary. he will be totally fucked off with me though.

OP posts:
BingoMarieHeeler · 22/03/2024 15:59

Why would pushing for clarity cause an argument though? To anyone rational there is nothing offensive in being asked ‘can you confirm your plans please, as they affect my plans too’. That is SUCH a reasonable request.

Notimeforaname · 22/03/2024 16:01

he will be totally fucked off with me though

luckily for you, you dont care about that 🤣
Itll be because of his bad communication.

Make your own plans and stick to them. You're all sitting around letting him decide everything.

Changingplace · 22/03/2024 16:01

KungBooPanda · 22/03/2024 15:54

@Bjorkdidit one of the things is a playdate for DS. but you're right -he can go to his parents with the kids without me if necessary. he will be totally fucked off with me though.

Give him a deadline, if he doesn’t confirm by then tell him you’re assuming you’re not going so will make other plans and make it really clear you’d have been completely happy to go had he made his bloody mind up in a reasonable time.

TayIorShift · 22/03/2024 16:07

He would be enjoying time at his parents by himself fuck that.

turkeymuffin · 22/03/2024 16:20

KungBooPanda · 22/03/2024 15:52

god just writing that last sentence - i realise i'm doing the frigging same as his parents! not pushing for clarity to not cause an argument! urgh

Sounds like he's got you all dancing to his tune.

Is he controlling in other ways?

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/03/2024 16:23

KungBooPanda · 22/03/2024 15:54

@Bjorkdidit one of the things is a playdate for DS. but you're right -he can go to his parents with the kids without me if necessary. he will be totally fucked off with me though.

If he's fucked off, firstly, he's a twat.

Secondly, be a broken record, "you had weeks to clarify, you didn't, this is on you". Over and over. "You like your friends more than..." "No DH you had the chance to book it, you chose not to". Very calmly and factually.

Stichintime · 22/03/2024 16:28

I don't tolerate people not specifying a time for things. Don't tell me you don't know when you'll arrive, work it out.

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 22/03/2024 16:31

He isn't the boss and you aren't the hired help awaiting instructions.. Just start doing your own thing. With the dc. If he travels to his dps alone who's fault is that? My bxh used to invite ils over when I had plans. I kept to my plans. If that meant taking dc with me so be it.

WoodBurningStov · 22/03/2024 16:34

I'd do the timescale thing

You - What's the plans for the Easter weekend dh, are we seeing your dp or not?

Dh - not sure I'll check

You - ok, if you've not come back to me by 6pm today I'll presume we're not going ans go ahead and book my day out with friends

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 22/03/2024 16:34

Just make your own plans - he doesn't get to dictate anything to you.