To find this very very annoying

[KungBooPanda]

My DH never confirms plans with anyone. He often doesn't plan anything to start with, but he often keeps things vague until last minute.

This Easter weekend we are 'maybe' going to his parents house (about 3 hours from us so we would be staying overnight). I have other people messaging me saying 'shall we pop over during the long weekend for a wine/coffee' and a couple of other things.

I have asked him to confirm either way with his parents and he says 'yeah, i will' but then never calls them. When I press him he says 'oh well i'm sorry your friends are more important than my family' and 'you see friends all the time'.

I just messaged him and said 'are we going to your parents next Friday' and he replied 'not sure yet, why?'

I feel like tearing my hair out.

AIBU? Uptight?

Sounds like he is jealous of you having friends- trying to control you. If there are other red flags I'd be planning my escape.

yes - i asked him today what the plans were and he came back and said 'why?' - as if it was baffling to him that it might be helpful to know what i'm doing for my bank holiday when we have small children too!

i don't know if just extreme disorganisation but it feels more like a total disregard for me. and he calls me a nag when i press.

but when gets home from work i will tell him he has to call them to check and if i don't know by Sunday then i will make own plans. if hes get mad so be it i guess.

If he gets made I'd be questioning him on why he thinks it's ok to get mad.

He sounds bloody infuriating!

@KungBooPanda “yes - i asked him today what the plans were and he came back and said 'why?' - as if it was baffling to him that it might be helpful to know what i'm doing for my bank holiday when we have small children too!”

I assume you told him why - so that you know whether or not you’re available for other plans. Did he not understand once you explained?

@Mnetcurious yes i said exactly that and he hasn't replied.

Well if he chooses not to respect your perfectly normal and valid reason for wanting to know then he’ll have to accept the consequences when you make other plans after the deadline (which is something you need to set) for letting you know has passed.

Well isn't he just an unnecessarily exhausting twerp! Tell him that, from me.

He sounds like a prick. I couldn't live like that.

We have a shared diary in our phones. If the date is free, it’s fair game. Book your time up doing the things you’d like to do - tell him it’s too late if he adds something later & he’ll have to go without you. Snooze you lose!!

i can't win you know. we have a calander system online @TrustyRusty68 after a few arguments about this stuff - so i put stuff i'm doing in his calander like work drinks and so on. last week i put a few things in and he started questioning when they went in and saying 'i see you're sneaking things in the diary again' - i was like 'how am i sneaking things in, i'm just sending you the things' and he said i was trying to get stuff past him. its all baffling

@KungBooPanda

My last relationship ended because of this.
He's got ADHD, but still... Had been reminding him to sort out his Christmas plans/dates with his family since Sept, (because last Christmas was shit for this exact reason).

22 Dec he still couldn't tell me what we were doing, and it was too late for me to arrange anything else.

And he was still upset because I was "hassling him" and "how was he supposed to know".

I am very very over it, and yes, I should have been giving him deadlines and letting him deal with the consequences of his disorganisation from way earlier.

Definitely give him a deadline that you need to know by. But I personally wouldn't 'tell him he has to call them to check' as this does feel unnecessarily prescriptive to me. Keep it light if you want to avoid an argument.

Just say 'I've had some invites to do fun stuff over Easter weekend. Can you let me know by X if we're going to your parents or not so I can respond to my friends, thanks.'

Then don't remind him or give him an excuse to call you a 'nag' (which is a fucking divorcable offence on its own if you ask me ). Just let the deadline elapse and make your own plans.

If he has a problem with that, then you can breezily say 'oh I asked you if we were going to your parents and you didn't confirm by X so I made it other plans'.

Then stick to it, and do the same thing every.single.time. Ignore the tantrums and moods and crack on.

Trust me, if you don't establish some boundaries around this shit, the frustration and resentment will kill your marriage long term.

@movintothecountry yes i think that sounds like good approach. sounds a bit similar to advice you might give to a parent who is struggling with a child - but maybe that's the territory we are in!

What a selfish prick he is. He wants to wait to see what he feels like doing on the day and you and his parents must be on stand by to go along with whatever suits him.

Do any of the suggestions PPs have suggested and going forward stop his bullshit in it’s tracks as soon as it begins.

So what if he gets pissed off. Why is that worse than you being pissed off by his controlling selfish noncommittal nonsense?

Definitely, use the same strategy as you would with a stubborn toddler!

Somehow you and his parents have fallen into this unhealthy pattern of letting him get away with this and it may not even be deliberate on his part. He may think he's in the right?

I do think actions speak louder than words and hopefully he will realise once you start to assert your boundaries (although probably not immediately)!

Being honest... He sounds like a complete twat.

Have you ever said that to him? At this point in proceedings, I'd be saying to my husband "Do you realise what a fucking twat you're being because, guess what, our lives don't all revolve around you?"

And I'm not sure I'd use the same strategies that I'd use with a toddler with him, because adults should be able to control their behaviour and behave decently towards others. So I wouldn't hold back and jolly along like I would with a toddler.

At this stage, I'd probably go for, "You know what, you do whatever you want over the Easter weekend so long as it's not with me. Because you've been so tortuous over the whole thing that frankly I'd rather stick pins in my feet than spend the weekend tiptoeing around you and what you want to do. I have plans and they don't include you, sorry."

DH is not the main character. You are not supporting cast, waiting for him to lead.

Live your life.

Accept invitations as they suit you and put them on the calendar. What's on the family calendar first takes priority. He's welcome to put stuff on the calendar too. If either of you expect the other to be present you make the other aware when you put it on the calendar. Fair rules for both I'd say. It could only piss you off if you believed you were the main character...

Say you want confirmation by tomorrow evening at the latest as you want to confirm alternative plans if you are not

I just messaged him and said 'are we going to your parents next Friday' and he replied 'not sure yet, why?'
At this point I would start assuming DH is trying to play the headfuk games with me deliberately. He is trying to unsettle you and make you walk on eggshells. That's not nice of him. From the little you have written i think it might be beneficial to read up about emotional abuse.

It’s difficult to feel sure of yourself when a partner is demeaning, dismissing, and second-guessing you constantly. Additionally, when you care about someone and have invested time in the relationship with them, you want to believe the best of them, and you may convince yourself that you were overreacting in how you interpreted their hurtful actions or words. An emotionally abusive partner may try to gaslight you by telling you outright that you are overreacting, being dramatic, being too emotional, or that you can’t take a joke.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-emotional-abuse/

I was initially going to suggest ND however seeing that he has said you were trying to get stuff past him implies to me it’s deliberate and is control and not executive dysfunction

I would have messaged my in-laws myself to find out if they were expecting us.
I'd prefer a 5 minute chat with my mother in law than all this faffing about.

This is worryingly controlling, I’m afraid OP. Not just disorganisation. He clearly doesn’t want you to have plans of your own, and expects you to wait on him to decide what you’re both doing until he feels like telling you :(

Nah, I don't think that's it.
I think he's just not capable or willing to commit, even to a decision.
He'd be better off single, and OP even more, without the need to bloody manage him and suffer him "getting mad".

Ughghgh! Hope you aren't modelling this to any sons you might have