To find this very very annoying

[KungBooPanda]

My DH never confirms plans with anyone. He often doesn't plan anything to start with, but he often keeps things vague until last minute.

This Easter weekend we are 'maybe' going to his parents house (about 3 hours from us so we would be staying overnight). I have other people messaging me saying 'shall we pop over during the long weekend for a wine/coffee' and a couple of other things.

I have asked him to confirm either way with his parents and he says 'yeah, i will' but then never calls them. When I press him he says 'oh well i'm sorry your friends are more important than my family' and 'you see friends all the time'.

I just messaged him and said 'are we going to your parents next Friday' and he replied 'not sure yet, why?'

I feel like tearing my hair out.

AIBU? Uptight?

Hopefully it will make him step up and be a real father instead of an aggressive bully towards his little boy. He's seen how it could be (unpleasant) if he doesn't. But honestly I can't see him wanting the children unless it helps him avoid having to pay you CMS. He might not do that.

No, you won't get into trouble with the police, just make sure the recorder is hidden off your screen rather than on the main apps page. You don't want him to see it.

I'm working on worse case scenario of 5050 for both kids and money. I'm finding that hard to accept but I keep telling myself it's the right thing for the DC. I know it is the right thing for me of course but find it harder to really truly believe the kids will be better off in that arrangement.

He's being v hands on since he's got back. He's cleared rubbish from our spare room to make me room for a walk in wardrobe apparently! And hoovered everywhere. He hid eggs for the kids. I know it's an act but it's so much harder to sustain my resolve!

I know it's an act but it's so much harder to sustain my resolve!
Which is exactly why he's doing it.

He's cleared rubbish from our spare room
That's handy!

He's making a joke about it all. Doing the dishes tonight he's laughing and saying "just think if you get rid of me, you'll have to do the dishes yourself" or earlier today "if you leave me, I'll have to get myself a young glamorous girlfriend and have a million children with her instantly ha ha ha!"

He thinks it's all hilarious.

I'm just smiling along but it's making the whole thing bloody weird.

He doesn't think you'll actually follow through with it, because that'll mean that he doesn't control you any longer.
Being helpful around the house is to gloss over everything.
I feel for your poor wee boy, he sounds scared of his dad, I'm not surprised after his behaviour.
Wishing you strength and resilience to hold your course.

just think if you get rid of me, you'll have to do the dishes yourself"
Or i could just buy a dishwasher in my new place?

"if you leave me, I'll have to get myself a young glamorous girlfriend
You could. And I could get myself a hot hunk. We could both be finally happy.

Depends how snippy you choose to be but basically he is just proving the point your marriage is no longer working and it's time to figure out the how so you can work out the when. And all this happened because he wouldn't call his mother 🙄

Can I ask @AutumnFroglets - if you ever regretted or had second thoughts about leaving your ex? Did you kids adjust OK? You don't have to answer as know you're not on this thread to share that stuff necessarily but just wondering.

I'm not sure a hot hunk or even a not so hot hunk will ever be part of my life again...and that is all OK with me!

I'm still in the process but right at the very end (I hope). Plenty of second thoughts but they have been based on fear. Fear of not having enough money, fear of not having a roof over my head, but never fear of being alone. I have longed for my house to be free of his dirt, his mess, his incompetence, his refusal to repair anything. I dream most nights of a clean, tidy, calm house where nobody is insulting or shouting or trying to make out i'm the one with the problem.

And no, I would never live with a man again, no matter how hot or hunky they were. My biggest regret is not doing this years ago.

@AutumnFroglets good luck. I hope the process is finalised as soon as possible for you and you can live life on your terms

I will never live with another man. H has always been quite traditional about marriage and often said he'd never get married again if we split or I died, so was surprised to hear him say "the kids would get a step mum". I said I would never "blend" families and if we split I would keep a family home for me and the 2 DC only. He said "how very noble of you (sarcastically). I can't promise the same"

I hate that he is thinking that way

'I can't promise the same.'

He's already got your replacement lined up in terms of needing a wife, even if he isn't actually having an affair. Mentally he's already moved on.
Time to pack his bags and not subject yourself to more of his toxicity than is absolutely essential.

The kids would get a stepmum because he's unable to parent / run house on his own OR he needs someone to control as that's how he is wired.
Really sorry OP, he's showing his real self now. Please protect yourself from him, this can be the most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships.

@KungBooPanda … I’m not going to lie… divorcing a controlling and immature husband is a very difficult process. Your husband sounds very much like my ex and during the divorce he was emotionally, verbally and financially abusive. It was exhausting and it took 18 months to be done as he kept finding ways to delay things. The legal system doesn’t seem geared up to deal with people like this that deliberately want to make things difficult. If he wants to drag his heels it will cost you to move things along.

Despite that I have no regrets whatsoever. His petty and vindictive behaviour during the divorce helped to reinforce my resolve and remind me why I needed to divorce him. Things were never going to get better between us!

Today I’m sitting on the sun in the Peak District drinking a glass of “divorce Prosecco” that a friend gifted me. I will sleep well tonight without stress and worries on my mind. My son is happier as he doesn’t have to deal with a tense atmosphere at home.

You can get through this … it’s hard but you deserve peace and happiness. Take care, reach out if you need support 👍

H has always been quite traditional about marriage and often said he'd never get married again if we split or I died, so was surprised to hear him say "the kids would get a step mum".

He will do and say whatever suits him at the time.

@YouGotThis24 "divorce prosecco" sounds lovely. And the peak district - even better.

How has your son fared if your divorce was difficult due to husbands behaviour?

I talked to a friend from work who was very "oh my god, you have one life - get rid" but she's imagining divorcing someone who could find it in themselves to do the right thing and be mature. If I knew he'd act like a grown up - I'd do it today.

I'm still determined. I've got to believe that another future is possible

If I knew he'd act like a grown up - I'd do it today.

You realise this is all the more reason to do it ASAP?

It’s not going to get easier. He isn’t going to get more mature. You will just have lost more connections to other people and more years of your life. Whenever you do it he’s going to be awful. You need to find your courage and see it through.

@KungBooPanda … I tried to protect dc from the worst of it but Dc did become quite wary of his dad as he knew his dad’s mood could change very quickly. I would try to physically move both of us away from my ex if that looked like it was going to happen.

Ultimately, I can’t control their relationship but I can make sure dc has one very calm and reliable parent that he knows is always there for him. Dc was quite clingy to me for a while so I gave lots of reassurance and cuddles.

So far things have been better since the split. Ex knows he needs to step up now … he can’t blame me or shirk his responsibilities if I’m not there so the quality of their relationship moving forwards is on him. Ex says he wants 50/50 but our current arrangement isn’t there yet (dc is more with me). According to my solicitor that is fairly common in that the dad will say he wants 50/50 but he’s thinking about the fun stuff rather than 50/50 of homework or making packed lunches.

I hope that helps … good luck (whatever you decide to do next).

If I knew he'd act like a grown up - I'd do it today.
No you wouldn't, you would probably stay as he would be kind and thoughtful and caring.

You know it will never go back to how it was. You can't put the rose tinted glasses back on as you've seen the ugliness and anger that is very close to the surface which realistically means you have three choices.

Gird your loins and wait for the nastiness to appear whenever you ask him to do something, or you say no, so you start changing the way you ask, your tone, waiting until he's in a good mood, walking on eggshells, under the pretence of not wanting the atmosphere to upset your dc. Your self confidence will plummet, your anxiety will increase, your health will go downhill and your child will not actually be protected. You will live this life until you die. You will never leave bc by the time the dc are gown up you will be too ground down and trained. MIL is a great example. You might not like her personality, but you can see how trained she is. FIL did that.

As above but eventually start the process of leaving after ten years because you cannot cope anymore without a shed load of antidepressants. A waste of ten years that could have been happy.

Or you can brace yourself for a couple of years of similar hell and then be free. For life.

Apologies if you feel I'm pushing you. I fully respect your decision to stay if you feel it's the best for you and dc, and I could obviously be projecting, but I was you once and my DH was your DH. I've lost thirty years. I've lost my health through stress. I've lost one of my dc (in doing such a good job of protecting her from the situation she now feels I'm the bad one for breaking it up). I nearly lost my life several times as I couldn't cope. I don't want you to continue on my path, please turn off at these crossroads. I will stop posting now but I wish you good luck and happiness on whatever you decide to do

I’ve just come across that thread and am wondering how OP and the kids are doing and whether she managed to leave her husband - hope all is ok.