To find this very very annoying

[KungBooPanda]

My DH never confirms plans with anyone. He often doesn't plan anything to start with, but he often keeps things vague until last minute.

This Easter weekend we are 'maybe' going to his parents house (about 3 hours from us so we would be staying overnight). I have other people messaging me saying 'shall we pop over during the long weekend for a wine/coffee' and a couple of other things.

I have asked him to confirm either way with his parents and he says 'yeah, i will' but then never calls them. When I press him he says 'oh well i'm sorry your friends are more important than my family' and 'you see friends all the time'.

I just messaged him and said 'are we going to your parents next Friday' and he replied 'not sure yet, why?'

I feel like tearing my hair out.

AIBU? Uptight?

I wouldn't be putting up with that at all. I'd also give him a set deadline to confirm the plans and if they were then not confirmed at that point I would go ahead and make my own plans. He can then go to see his parents on his own.
Pathetic.

I’d hazard a guess that he’s able to book work meetings, doctors appointments, haircuts without faffing and being vague until the day.

So why does he act like this with you?

Answer:
this is a power/ control thing (you can’t schedule any dates in the diary without consulting him and he’ll “block” it) 🚩

Emotional manipulation (oh your friends are more important than me etc) 🚩

Coercive control (you walk on eggshells and are careful with your words/actions to avoid his moods) 🚩

I think this is more than him being an annoying man who makes you roll your eyes because he’s ‘disorganised”.

Does he worry about you being fucked off with him for making you miss out on stuff? Does he ever worry about how you will react to his failure to manage the basics?

Sounds very frustrating, OP. Especially putting you in a situation where you need to 'nag' just to get basic information. Hope you have a nice Easter weekend!

It’s either a yes or no!
As you’re being so indecisive I’ve made my own plans, would be my reply!

So he’s shitty to his family, and you.

@Bingowingo1 I only have a daughter.
Don't see the problem though of communicating with my mother in law. I actually like her - which I know is against Mumsnet rules 😂

Do you want to see his parents? If you don't, don't go. His circus, his monkeys.

Shared calendar is the way forward.

Anything on the calendar happens, if it's not on the calendar it doesn't happen.

Whoever puts their event in first gets to do it.

This does need to be managed with respect; so neither party just blocks out weeks of time to do what they like whilst the other has sole childcare responsibilities for example, but it certainly focuses the mind on what is and isn't important and firming up plans.

you see friends all the time

Consciously or not, he’s messing you around because he doesn’t like you seeing your friends.

I like mine too, but some people aren’t lucky enough to have nice MILs.

I had one of those, I'm getting a pain in my chest thinking back on the stress his approach used to cause me. But he got to present all bright and breezy and me as uptight - it absolutely is a form of control and a very insidious and sneaky one. Instead of laying down the law, he creates the situation where you are made to look like you are doing so in the absence of decision-making and collaboration. I bet he is also a faffer 🙄. I left my husband and this kind of shit was the main reason, it is NOT trivial, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

He sounds like a twat. Is he? One of those blokes unable to cope with anyone else having a claim on his time - ‘don’t try and control me’ etc?

This would be high on the list of Solve This Problem or End Up Divorced behaviours for me.

he will be totally fucked off with me though.

The reason he chooses (it is a choice) to mess you around like this is because he knows you are afraid of upsetting him.

Practice upsetting him! Take his power away. Do your own thing and let him deal with it.

Either he just wants to keep his own options open so he can do whatever he fancies at the time, and fuck everyone else, or it’s strategic incompetence so you take over the family admin like a good little wife should. Either way, he’s being a dick and you should stop waiting for him.

There was something about the words "sneaking things into the diary " that really annoyed me Op. You're not a child, you're not sneaking, how dare he suggest anything he wants is OK but you making a decision to go somewhere is sneaking? Does he expect you to run everything past him first? Actually, that exactly what he means, if you make an appointment without his say so that's not on, you should sit around waiting for him to deceide where you're both going even though he can't make his mind up. Has he always been like this or is it a recent thing?

Op why are you putting up with this shit. Even worse why are you messaging him to ask him to give you an answer. If HE can’t take the initiative to let you know then reply to the other people and tell them it’s fine if they pop round for a drink (if you want them to). If he doesn’t like it then tough!

He knows he’s taking the piss and keeping you on a shoe string. What a load of passive aggressive game playing shit!

You can’t put your whole life on hold while he dithers! I couldn’t even be with someone like him, think I would have had to leave him by now.

Sneaking because you didn't discuss it with him eleventy billion times before you put it in the diary....

I have this it's infuriating!

YANBU @KungBooPanda My DH never does this, but I have a couple of friends who do. They never give a straight answer when I try to make a date to meet them for coffee or a pub lunch.

I will message 28th January, and say 'do you want to meet up soon for a coffee and a catch up?' And I get a short message back saying 'I'll have to let you know. I haven't had my February shifts yet.' Then I wait and wait for 2-3 days, and message back again, and they say 'well possibly 17th February, but I may have to look after my grandson, I will let you know closer to the time. If not that date, maybe 22nd, 24th, 25th, or 28th.' Then I am sitting there waiting and wondering if we will meet on 17th February, and if not, which of the other 4 days it will be. I feel like I can't plan anything for the other 4 dates in case they pick one of them to meet (after cancelling 17th February at the last minute!)

It's pissing me off so much now, that I am seeing them less and less often, and will gradually just phase them out.

My DC can sometimes be a bit evasive. Though not every time like my 2 so-called friends. I try to make a date for them to come to our house, when we leave their house after a visit, and they say 'not sure what my plans are for the next couple of weeks, I'll have to let you know.' I think 'well why not put coming to our place in your diary, and then arrange your other stuff around that?' It sort of feels like they wait to see if something better comes along, and see me and DH if nothing does.

I do have a few other lovely friends who are reliable and kind and are good friends, but the 2 that mess me about/are vague, do annoy me. And my DC annoy me a bit occasionally too. But at least they don't do it all the time! Maybe 1 in 4 or 5 times ...

@KungBooPanda I know this might make me sound batshit but I'd text him setting the deadline. Then, if he flakes on it and blames you, you have proof of your deadline. Sorry to be harsh but my spider senses are tingling...

Why waste time being gradual @SabreIsMyFave ?

This is infuriating just reading it. Yes you see friends all the time becauae in my experience female friends commit to plans. I hate people being vague. I lose interest. Make your own plans and he can work round it. I'm sure his parents would like to know too...

My mum used to do this when she invited me and DD to stay for a few nights. She just didn't think my plans were important because I'd drop everything to keep the peace.

One day I snapped and decided to reclaim my time. I gave her a deadline, she broke it and I confirmed other plans.
She didn't talk to me for three weeks, but she's never done it again.

Just go above your DHs head and make your own plans. He'll throw a hissy but he'll learn his lesson.

Good point.