To find this very very annoying

[KungBooPanda]

My DH never confirms plans with anyone. He often doesn't plan anything to start with, but he often keeps things vague until last minute.

This Easter weekend we are 'maybe' going to his parents house (about 3 hours from us so we would be staying overnight). I have other people messaging me saying 'shall we pop over during the long weekend for a wine/coffee' and a couple of other things.

I have asked him to confirm either way with his parents and he says 'yeah, i will' but then never calls them. When I press him he says 'oh well i'm sorry your friends are more important than my family' and 'you see friends all the time'.

I just messaged him and said 'are we going to your parents next Friday' and he replied 'not sure yet, why?'

I feel like tearing my hair out.

AIBU? Uptight?

Will you actually make your own plans after the deadline comes and goes because you have to be prepared to do it and have the argument or all this is for nothing.
Make the plans and stick to it if you want something different then that's what you have to do. He'll either realise that he had to shape up or continue to sulk and blame you for everything- in which case you will have to decide what sort of relationship you want.

My ex was like this and it was a significant factor in my decision to end the marriage. We could never do anything because he would refuse to commit to things until it was too late so we ended up never going anywhere.

Some people are allergic to organisation and slightly phobic of any kind of forward planning.

It needs to be sorted out though, it’s an unsustainable indulgence. It’s a form of control. It’s basically him saying, “your plans don’t matter, I don’t want you to have any agency over your life”.

He's promised me he will confirm either way by the end of today. I don't think I have any hope with his parents. His dad is exactly the same (to the point where he tell MiL there is a BBQ they need to go to an hour before they have to leave) and MiL puts up with it and just laughs. She also doesn't have any friends or her own life really!

Tell him that if he manages to confirm his availability by the end of today, you'll get back to him with your availability on Easter morning and let him know whether you can make the visit 10 minutes before you're due to set off.

If something isn't in the calendar, it's not happening. You have to stick to it, OP, so he knows you're serious. If he doesn't confirm and then wants to go, he can but any plans you and the kids have still stand so he'll have to go alone

‘sorry your friends are more important than my family’

ummm no, I just communicate with my friends and they want an answer! I’m not holding off making plans just because you can’t be bothered to make your mind up!

This would drive me crazy. I’d say confirm plans by x time or I’m making my own.
It’s like he wants everyone to put their lives on hold until he can get his stuff together (I thought a different word to ‘stuff’)

He made the deadline. We are going to PIL for the whole 4 days.

I think I liked it better when you were staying around having fun with your friends 🤣.

You have my sympathy. So do they.

@theleafandnotthetree you and me both.

Damn.

Why can't you go for fewer days? It's your time off too. I would want 2 days with pil, one day to see my friends, and a day with dh and dc.

Stay home. Let him take the kids

You need to switch up your tactics for the next time this happens OP. You've got other weekends plus May bank holiday coming up - don't let this situation happen to you again.. 🌹

@Newestname002 the way I'm feeling at the moment - I feel fed up of changing tactics and more tempted by leaving the game entirely!

I had similar years back and I now don’t play the game.

He organises trips to his family (4 hours away) and I may join them once every couple of years or so.

We have a shared family calendar. If it’s not on it, it doesn’t exist. Book something without checking and there is a clash? Tough luck. Didn’t put it on there and now there are 2 things planned? Tough luck.

I carried the mental load for too long. He manages his calendar at work, he can do it at home as well.

This is infuriating!

also he obviously doesn’t value his parents either - neither as people or THEIR time if he’s leaving things til last minute?! What about them making other plans! I reckon he’s waiting for a better offer before confirming with them, either way - I’d crack on now. Make your plans, if he wants to go and see his parents he can, you enjoy your time!

Surely this is a control game. He wants everyone hanging around waiting for him to make decisions.

Well I did and though I have to interact with my ex around stuff to do with the children, I thank the Lord that I don't have to deal with his faffing and bullshit every day or feel any way responsible for it or like I have to account for it or manage it. People used to say things to me like, why don't you tell him that the thing is on an hour earlier than it actually is? Why the fuck should I play stupid games like that with a grown adult on a 100k a year job? No, no and no.

IME, flaky people are often holding out for the best offer

We have a family calendar on Google. Whatever goes in first, gets priority

If eg I arrange to see friends on Thursday, then it's just not an option for DP to go out, unless he arranges babysitter

His dad is exactly the same (to the point where he tell MiL there is a BBQ they need to go to an hour before they have to leave) and MiL puts up with it and just laughs. She also doesn't have any friends or her own life really!

Maybe she doesn't have her own life anymore because she knows she can't make any plans of her own as she's always waiting to be told by her husband if he has anything on. I'd be careful in case this is a deliberate tactic employed by both father and son with the same aim in mind.

I had this ex dh. He insisted I was controlling-I wasn’t. If I didn’t organise shit, it wouldn’t get done. Very irritatingly, since we have split up he has become very good at organising shit. 🙄

He’s a stupid selfish prick.

Visit the in-laws for one day and spend the rest of the weekend with your friends.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but if he’s weird about you ‘sneaking’ plans in when you simply use the shared calendar to record things, is there a chance he’s made it so you’re with his parents the WHOLE weekend so you can’t see your friends?

He seems controlling. The whole leaving the plan to the last minute feels like a power play.

And I really cannot understand why he is the one that gets to decide all weekend plans?

@KungBooPanda

your rookie error has just landed you with 4 days at the in-laws🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

next time, until he asks you/books it in on you calendar then it's 'free' & you can book in other things! Do that & if he announces 'we' are going to my parents for x, you tell him 'you might be, but I'm not I have plans!'

if he sulks about you 'sneaking things into the calendar' then explain to him, like you would a 4 year old, that that's home calendars work.

Just make your own plans and if he gets annoyed tell him he never confirmed so you assumed nothing was happening

I am so sorry your husband is a twat! Could you make your own plans and fit him in if he wants to be included? So you decide that even if he wants to go and see his parents, you won’t be going because you have a ready decided you are doing x y z. So he can stay behind if he wants or go alone. Why do you feel the need to follow him? Simply don’t.