To find this very very annoying

[KungBooPanda]

My DH never confirms plans with anyone. He often doesn't plan anything to start with, but he often keeps things vague until last minute.

This Easter weekend we are 'maybe' going to his parents house (about 3 hours from us so we would be staying overnight). I have other people messaging me saying 'shall we pop over during the long weekend for a wine/coffee' and a couple of other things.

I have asked him to confirm either way with his parents and he says 'yeah, i will' but then never calls them. When I press him he says 'oh well i'm sorry your friends are more important than my family' and 'you see friends all the time'.

I just messaged him and said 'are we going to your parents next Friday' and he replied 'not sure yet, why?'

I feel like tearing my hair out.

AIBU? Uptight?

If you are going to follow this path (which I think is a good idea) then put it in writing in Whatapp or email or something…. So later he cant gaslight you into thinking you hadnt actually told him

Why are you waiting for him. Just tell him 'As we have no firm plans for next weekend, I have invited xxxxx round for coffee on Saturday morning and arranged to go for a walk with YYYY and the children on Sunday afternoon.'

We have (free) online shared calendar called Time Tree. The whole family has access and when someone adds something you get a notification (so you can’t be accused of ‘sneaking’ something in, although that’s ridiculous anyway).

The arrangement is, once you put in an appointment, it takes priority. Obviously we do discuss stuff that will affect everyone but it generally works well. Worth a try?

God, what a controlling ass.

Sneaking things into the calendar? You’re not a child. Why do you let your husband treat you like one?

Yep. I have a DH who says he 'likes to keep his options open'. I call it "not wanting to commit to anything". I used to work in travel and we'd get cheap flights or holiday offers for a week or so later. By the time he'd made a decision, most of the time they'd gone. I've got used to it - now I make my own plans to do my own thing and if at the last minute he says he wants to come then it's a pleasant surprise. As for visiting his DPs - by the time he's made the decision to go, unfortunately I've already made other commitments. What a shame.

Ugh, my DH does the not confirming plans bit, it's infuriating. Wants everything to be 'freeform' all the time and plans never get confirmed till the last minute. Then wonders why I get frustrated. Why do men think planning is unnecessary? (Actually I can answer that one myself - because women do most of it and men somehow think it happens by magic! eyeroll)

But the 'sneaking things' on to the calendar accusation is weird, and his comments about you seeing your friends are unfair. What's your marriage like in general?

From my own experience in a controlling relationship; it’s a gradual drip drip effect, you get conditioned to avoid rows or his bad moods, you start to believe you’re the difficult one (you’re nagging, you’re too sensitive, you’re paranoid etc)
Its hard to get a real perspective of what’s going on and you lose sight of what a healthy dynamic looks like in a relationship.

I don’t blame the op if she hasn’t recognised her dp’s behaviour as controlling.

I would find this annoying too. But I wouldn't tolerate it.

no need for a big row, just make your own plans and tell him ' if you are planning to see your family next weekend, factor in I'm seeing X&Y for dinner and I'm planning on meeting A&B at the garden centre Monday.

and be reasonable with him. My DH's family are awful at committing to things. Maybe it's the same with his family. ATM I'm not sure if I'll have 6 or 12 on Easter Sunday. It's not DH's fault - they are all just twatting around. I know what they are like so I have an Ocado shop booked for Sunday morning that I can tweak until Saturday night so I will adjust the quantities accordingly once they all make their bloody minds up.

whatever number it is we will all have a good meal and a fun time.

Yeah I couldn’t live like that 🥴 he sounds petty, jealous and disorganised.

Surely you say in response to ‘why’? Because I am prepared to decline invitations and prioritise your parents if I know it’s definitely happening, but I’m not prepared to wait until the morning for you to decide or not and then have no plans for the children. That’s not fair. Why do you think I don’t deserve some clarity? Is mine and the children’s time and experience worth less in your opinion than yours? Interested in what he’d say to this.

I know this is a cop out and Dh isn’t that bad, just forgetful, but I message MIL in a group message with Dh to firm up dates etc
I like knowing what’s happening in good time and so does she! I find organising things with women a lot easier.

My eyes rolled so much I am not sure they will ever recover.
Why do women need to baby men like this?

Have you got a joint calendar? Either a paper one hung up somewhere central or a google one that both of you have access to?
If so, nothing's booked in til it's on the calendar.
If he floats an idea, like going to his parents for a long weekend, say 'get it booked in and put it on the calendar once it's confirmed'. If he does neither, feel free to make other plans, and put them on the calendar.

If you've got kids, this is also a great idea to get going before they need lifts to loads of random places and forget to tell you til just before, or just make plans and don't consider family stuff! Those multiple column family planners work really well - one column for you, one column for DH, one for anyone else, can write across them all where you've got joint stuff, or a google calendar with everyone adding their stuff in different colours - if the kids are too young you can add for them, and it's super easy to put repeating stuff in 'EG Sam gymnastics, every wednesday 5-6 as a re-occuring event'

To be honest I manage a lot of people at work, a huge amount of students and their families as well as 3 of my own kids, my mum and various other family members. You could say I baby them all. Hope your eyes are ok!

I find the best cure for men who get unreasonably arsy about perfectly reasonable requests is to get much more reasonably arsy in response. Fight fire with fire.

I once bought some flowers for mothers day for my MIL from DH, and she made such a fuss of DH, and DH didn't thank me, and I vowed then not to do DH family admin for him because he's not a child and it makes me resent him. I refuse to buy his family Xmas presents (which means they get £20 note each). So yeah I'm not going to be messaging the MiL directly.

We do have a calander. I put stuff in. He doesn't.

I've given him a deadline and he laughed and rolled his eyes. I think he thought I was being funny or ridiculous

It's also rude and disrespectful to his parents, expecting them to put their lives on hold until he gets round to confirming he wants to visit. He's assuming they have nothing else they might want to do, that doesn't revolve around him. Stick to your deadline.

or give him an excuse to call you a 'nag' (which is a fucking divorcable offence on its own if you ask me ).

This. I'd love to see my children's faces if DH called me a nag. I suspect even the dog would drop his jaw.

He sounds so so tiresome, OP. How is he at work? Just fine I guess? Does he call his boss or colleagues "nags" when they ask him to confirm meetings? Don't thing so.

He doesn't respect you and what you do - hence him lapping up the praise for the flowers and not saying thank you. selfish git.

Sorry op but he sounds awful- arrogant self serving and dismissive! He doesn’t respect you or your feelings., and makes you feel you’re in the wrong for “nagging”.

On the face of it, it’s a small thing (an argument over Easter weekend plans) so you’ll probably be told you’re over reacting or being annoying.

The trouble is, His attitude seeps into the whole relationship and causes massive resentment and erodes your self esteem. I’ve been there and got the T shirt- and it’s a horrible t- shirt!

Don’t lose yourself trying to appease him is my advice.

This basically. He has no respect for anyone does he? He sounds quite controlling actually. Does he do things like this at work?

Does he have any redeeming features @KungBooPanda ?

I'd make plans with my friends to make a point actually. He's an insufferable bore. misogynistic too. he will only get it when it affects him. don't go to his dps. go out with friends. it's your Easter too.

My dh is like this too, does my head in. If l get a better offer though l take it.

In answer to your original question- No you are not being uptight. Of course you aren’t. You’re asking for some respect.

Not only is his attitude to you making you second guess yourself, it will affect your relationships with other people

• your friends because you can’t commit to plans when he puts “obstacles” in place .. (they’ll stop asking eventuality ) -your in laws because dh will no doubt make you look bad if you don’t see them over Easter,

• and it impacts your dc too. You can’t agree to a play date for ds because dh is deliberately making it difficult for you to plan things.

It’s not good if you’re wondering if you’re the problem here, worrying that you’re uptight or nagging. It’s clear to me you’re not x

You and his parents are enabling him big time. Is this impacting kids as well? I had a friend whose parents were both like that and he got a lot of anxiety and nice booked everything and no plans causes him lot of stress. Next time you are with his family I would mention that not being able to plan has caused loads of issues to the kids, play dates need you be postponed or cancelled etc, so for the sake of that you would set deadlines and if he decides to change plans last minute you will stick to original so kids are not unsettled (and also you do not loose your friends!!). Then follow through and see if it changes.