To find this very very annoying

[KungBooPanda]

My DH never confirms plans with anyone. He often doesn't plan anything to start with, but he often keeps things vague until last minute.

This Easter weekend we are 'maybe' going to his parents house (about 3 hours from us so we would be staying overnight). I have other people messaging me saying 'shall we pop over during the long weekend for a wine/coffee' and a couple of other things.

I have asked him to confirm either way with his parents and he says 'yeah, i will' but then never calls them. When I press him he says 'oh well i'm sorry your friends are more important than my family' and 'you see friends all the time'.

I just messaged him and said 'are we going to your parents next Friday' and he replied 'not sure yet, why?'

I feel like tearing my hair out.

AIBU? Uptight?

@Ihearyousingingdownthewire say what you really think! 🤣

Problem is, I tend to agree.

Worse thing is that he is at his absolute worst round the PIL. He can be pretty selfish at home but when we are there he really bosses me about. MiL fusses over him and he asks me to get and him the kids stuff or makes jokes at my expense which all seem weirdly for MiL benefit. God knows what's going on there.

I do get what you're all saying about doing my own thing. I guess normal to do things as family.

I really don't understand what he means by "sneak" things in the diary! He says "oh getting sneaky notifications on my phone about you going drinking" and I have explained I'm just letting him know when things are happening.

At first I thought pp saying he was controlling was a bit of an OTT reaction and he was just someone who is either disorganised or always waiting around for a better offer. But the more you update, the more I’m inclined to agree that your husband has no respect for you and this does not sound like a healthy relationship. I’d seriously think about whether you’re happy in the marriage and if this is a relationship dynamic that you want to model to your children.

I don't feel controlled @Mnetcurious I see friends, I work, he would never criticise my clothes. But he does like to make little comments or possibly actions to pretend to be in charge somehow. When he's not in charge of anything if truth be told. He'd call me absolutely crazy if I suggested any of this was deliberate.

He is controlling though with his comments about your putting things into his online calendar, the way he bosses you around, the way he shows off in front of his parents and orders you around. If it's not controlling then it's jolly disrespectful and suggests that you aren't equal partners in your relationship.

My ex partner did this, I eventually realised that he had no respect for me, my time or anyone else. He’s controlling, selfish and doesn’t have any friends.
is your partner controlling in other ways? This is so disrespectful of you and your children.

You’re enabling it. Just make plans and then you’ll have to tell him you’re busy and won’t cancel because he doesn’t have the decency to tell you if you’re free or not!

Good plan! 🌹

I agree with other people just make your own plans. But also what is stopping you contacting these people to confirm plans? I know it shouldn’t be your responsibility, but at the end of the day, you’re meant to be a partnership, if he’s crap at this job, you do it and give him something else to do instead

That mindset has led me to doing all the household bills, child admin, cleaning, DIY, fixing things, organising social stuff. He's not doing it, so I'll step in. I am enabling him. Just as his mother did/does.

I actually discovered last night that he has said all 4 days to me, but to his mum - he's said 'We will come down Thursday night and seee how it goes' when I said that means his mum has no idea how many people she'll have for Easter Sunday. lunch....he shrugged and said 'alright alright but she seemed totally relaxed FGS'.

I feel sorry for his mum. She will be agonising over the tesco order rather than pick up the phone and ask him.

Does he have any good qualities? From what you've described here he doesn't seem to treat the people he's supposed to care about very well.

Oh my god. I don't know what is goign on. But he's been in bad mood as i've been pushing clarity for this weekend.

This morning he takes our son (2) to nursery on his way to work. DH rolled his eyes and sighed as DS tshirt was a tiny bit damp round the coller from the tumbler dryer. I said "alright, it's not only down to me to do the laundry" (pretty lightly). he went spare in front of the kids shouting at me " you are looking for an argument before 8am" shouting at me.

He then said he will take the kids to his parents at the weekend without me so i can "sort my head out and i should be down the doctors". I told him he was being horrible and he just shouted at me "you're a stupid fucking cunt" in our garden. he then gave me DS back and has driven off without DS when I have to get the other one ready for school and go to work. I have no time to get DS to nursery before work now.

What the actual hell. why is he so angry. I'm now trying to sort the kids out and being all smiley but my heart is racing.

He didn't like you asking him to behave reasonably and respectfully (call his parents to firm up plans and let you know with decent notice) so he's punishing you to make sure you don't do it again.

Be smarter than to allow him to train you.

I'm sorry. He sounds worse and worse the more you post but DO keep on posting, it will help you to get clarity on your own mind about it all.

What a delight. You know you shouldn’t put up with this treatment?

Just to be crystal clear:

He then said he will take the kids to his parents at the weekend without me so i can "sort my head out and i should be down the doctors".

This is gaslighting you into believing that you're mentally ill. He's doing it so that you will adjust your behaviour to appease him because you want to prove that you're not mentally ill.

Gaslighting somebody to try to make them believe they are mentally ill is horrendous behaviour, and is most certainly domestic abuse.

It's also pulling the rug out from underneath you; you 'forced' him to firm up plans, therefore he has fucked you around and changed then after he set them in order to re-establish dominance.

I told him he was being horrible and he just shouted at me "you're a stupid fucking cunt" in our garden.

This is outright abusive, and very clearly demonstrates a clear lack of respect for you and the children. He has lost the control he thought he had and in his panic is trying to verbally best you back down into your place. It proves that he doesn't see you as a partner but as subservient to him.

he then gave me DS back and has driven off without DS when I have to get the other one ready for school and go to work.

More consequences for stepping out of the role of subservient wife.

The whole way he handles being asked to behave like an adult, husband and father is immature and childish at his best, and blatantly abusive to you and your children at it's worst.

I feel sick. Shouting "you stupid fucking cunt" at me while DS is in my arms is a new low. I'm shaking. Trying to jolly kids for school.

I would absolutely leave a cunt like this. Whether you were looking for an argument or not no respectful person would shout shit like that at you. And drive off without your child knowing its causing an issue. What a dramatic overreaction.

But the most telling thing is your reaction. The fact that you're upset and shaking makes me worry you are scared of him. Time to leave this bully.

It is awful, and would be a total deal breaker in many relationships.

I am so sorry OP.

When you try and get a controlling and manipulative person to do something that is different to what they want to do, ie make firm plans when they usually don't, they respond by being nasty, argumentative, nit picky. It's all to retrain you into not asking them questions again. You overstepped and need to be taught a lesson.

Look up DARVO, and look up emotional abuse. Official sites such as gov.uk, local council, CAB, Relate and Women's Aid have the signs listed.

After this morning how likely, on a scale of 0 to 10, will you ask him to firm up his plans for visiting his family in the future? I say zero chance. You wouldn't dare.

The fact that you're upset and shaking makes me worry you are scared of him. Time to leave this bully.

Most people would be upset and shaking at his behaviour this morning, it's a completely normal reaction to his abusive explosive over reaction.

I've no idea if OP is scared of him or not, but I think more importantly than that, this shows that he has trained her to not hold him accountable for his actions. With the support of mumsnet she did, and his response is to try to make the consequences so horrible for her that she gets back in her box.

She's not a Stepford wife to be trained, and I hope that she will be smart and courageous enough to not get back in her box and allow herself to be trained like this.

Do what his DP do and make your own plans. The more you all sort yourselves out then his has to do something about his crap admin

I dont think most people would be shaking at that behaviour. If my DH acted like that I'd be really angry with him and upset, but I wouldn't be shaking. I'd be angry more than anything. So that was just my opinion on the shaking made me think maybe OP is scared of him.

Like the times she's added to the planner and he's made snide comments, I'd have called him on that there and then and there wouldn't be a planner he could get to fuck. But I'm talking from a position of being with a DH I'm not scared of.

When someone shows you who they are believe them.

I’m sorry to ask this but do you actually know this individual? Because it sounds to me like something he should be talking to you about is eating away at him and you’re copping for the spillover. In no way is that fair or acceptable, you’re being bullied in your own home.

So here are his true colours @KungBooPanda , I said before he expects you to run everything past him first but it's deeper than that. Your FIL does exactly the same to his DW and your DH has grown up seeing that and thinks it's normal. He can't deal with you making your own arrangements ahead of time because to him you're supposed to arrange nothing and wait for his last minute announcement.
It's not just selfishness, it's control, he leads and you follow. This morning's vile language had nothing to do with a damp top, he can't cope with you challenging him and going against what he considers the natural order.This will get worse now unless you back down, please don't, you are doing nothing wrong

This is just awful OP, and i'm sorry to point out that this is the beginning of the end for your relationship - you may find yourself excusing this behaviour, but a man that would use those words and delivery to you, with your small child there and for any neighbour to hear has NO RESPECT for you and this will only get worse. Look towards your future. Are you happy for your children to believe this is a situation they should remain in? Do you accept your children either behaving like this or accepting this behaviour? Your actions now could shape their entire lives. I'm not trying to be dramatic, I would love you to realise your self worth and not waste a second more of your life on this bully. People will treat you how you LET them treat you. He has spoken clearly today.