To find this very very annoying

[KungBooPanda]

My DH never confirms plans with anyone. He often doesn't plan anything to start with, but he often keeps things vague until last minute.

This Easter weekend we are 'maybe' going to his parents house (about 3 hours from us so we would be staying overnight). I have other people messaging me saying 'shall we pop over during the long weekend for a wine/coffee' and a couple of other things.

I have asked him to confirm either way with his parents and he says 'yeah, i will' but then never calls them. When I press him he says 'oh well i'm sorry your friends are more important than my family' and 'you see friends all the time'.

I just messaged him and said 'are we going to your parents next Friday' and he replied 'not sure yet, why?'

I feel like tearing my hair out.

AIBU? Uptight?

100% don’t go. The kids will be fine with him, he’ll probably be weirdly super nice with them actually around his parents to show how amazing a dad he is.

Him going works out perfectly. You get time to not be around him where everything is so volatile at the moment and you can put the wheels in motion to plan for your and your kids’ future. The timing couldn’t be better.

Also, if you did go (don’t!), he’s going to take every opportunity to show you up in front of his parents, safe in the knowledge that they will back him up every time and you’ll be too embarrassed to say anything in front of them. Going there would be torture.

Hi Panda, I haven't read through all the replies, but I have read your posts. Has anyone else suggested that he's having an affair but winding you up so that you can be "the bad guy, breaking up the family"?

Your original post seemed to be about him not making arrangements, but actually he is being a really unpleasant bully ... can you put your finger on when he changed from a bit irritating to totally horrible?

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Your poor thing and your poor kids.

Let them go to the in-laws and you stay home. He won't be able to stay away the whole weekend (he'll be amping to get back when he can't control either/both kids without you there) so once he's gone, get on and find your essential documents and make a phone call to a solicitor. Look at your finances.

PP have asked but you don't confirm if you have anywhere to stay temporarily with the kids? Are your parents around OP? (not saying you should move out, but just for respite if he kicks off when he returns).

What a horrible nasty bully he is and what a role model for your lovely children...not! Best of luck OP; I really hope you're able to sort things out and get away from him.

I wouldn't go OP. The kids will be fine. You've said the GPs are great, kids are excited and he will be on his best behaviour. You need time and space, he probably won't give you that again. Take the time to rest and get all the practical stuff sorted. Talk to people in real life. Make plans. He is going to get nastier, you need to arm and armour yourself for that.

Thanks everyone. Turns out his mother didn't know they were coming down until he called her just now - they leave in 2 hours - he said to me "I thought I called her but maybe i didn't". I heard her on the line 'oh we haven't got any food in and the place is a mess, but yes, of course'. She can't say no to him.

I've also had tears from H this morning saying i'm everything to him. i'm so amazing and he's so rubbish compared to me and his anger is fear - he was crying and crying. I'm afraid I did give him a hug.

I won't be going to PIL. but i am going to pretend to be friends with him until i've sorted paperwork and told my family. What happened over the last few days is horrendous and the tension and fear is too much for the kids. I need to have a plan if he's going to be that vile and scary and stay elsewhere after telling him. My family will be supportive and i can stay there. DS went under the dining room table when he saw DH this morning. DH saw him do it but seems oblivious or shameless about him being the cause of that.

Your update is very telling - its clearly a power move if he does exactly the same thing with his mum, sounds like he's learned it from his dad.and poor woman has accepted it as norm. Use that as an incentive -you don't want to be her in 30 years with your ds treating his wife in the same way. I can assume he doesn't act the same way with his friends or boss -saying yeah I might meet you at the pub or might not, or yes I'll be in work but can't commit to a time?

I think you're doing exactly the right thing by "pretending" while you get your ducks I a row -use this weekend to start sorting everything.

So he lied to you about having committed you all to 4 days at the PILs.

He'll alterate because crying and guilt tripping you, and screaming abuse at you. He's just going through all the options to get you meek and 'under control' again.

He is using ALL the tactics on you now. He needs you back in your submissive box.

yes he lied @slippedonabanana - he said we are going for whole 4 days and that he called her. and now he's saying 'he thought he did' - who thinks they called someoen and had a conversation. laughable really.

after yesterday's bravado about getting a new girlfriend and selling the house, and today tears about how he couldn't survive one day without me. i feel like i don't know him at all - he just says whatever he thinks is going to work. he was so relieved when i hugged him and is now being so happy - i jsut feel livid at everything he has put us through this last week. i am pleased i have those recordings and i've written everything down too.

I never normally post on things like this, because they are so personal and complex, but all I keep thinking is that life is too short to be under this much stress and confusion all the time, especially when young children are involved.

@KungBooPanda

I'm afraid I did give him a hug.

If that keeps you safe then that's no bad thing - careful though if he presses for more. Have something ready to say if he does.

I won't be going to PIL. but i am going to pretend to be friends with him until i've sorted paperwork and told my family. What happened over the last few days is horrendous and the tension and fear is too much for the kids. I need to have a plan if he's going to be that vile and scary and stay elsewhere after telling him. My family will be supportive and i can stay there.

Good that you're not going with him to PILs - hope your planning goes well and you can sort something out with your parents for temporary shelter.

DS went under the dining room table when he saw DH this morning. DH saw him do it but seems oblivious or shameless about him being the cause of that.

Poor little boy. He will be so much happier when he's not in his father's immediate orbit all the time. Sending you a huge virtual hug my dear. 🌹

I'm afraid I did give him a hug.

If that keeps you safe then that's no bad thing - careful though if he presses for more. Have something ready to say if he does.

Giving a man a hug is often a defensive move. To appease and reassure so they don't escalate, or to get inside so they can neither kiss or hit us.

I agree with pp. If you want to know how your future will be if you stay, look at MIL and how little her actual world is. Her lack of friends, her inability to go anywhere, always waiting for her son to suddenly decide to visit with no food or beds made up on a bank holiday weekend when shops actually shut. To have zero control over her own life. Her husband and son say jump, she asks how high. Just think how close you've been to living that exact same life if you hadn't posted here about a silly, lighthearted but slightly annoying habit he does.

It sounds like you have finally awakened, but please be careful as this is the most dangerous time. Speak to friends, speak to family, speak to nursery/school (so they are aware the children might be unsettled), speak to your GP and ask for a referral to counselling. Speak to a divorce solicitor. The more people who know you want to leave due to unacceptable behaviour (you might feel more comfortable using that rather than saying abuse), the safer you will be.

Just checking in with you @KungBooPanda , hope you are doing are okay

I'm OK. Sounds grim at PiL.

MIL is really unwell in bed with some sort of infection. H insisting she still wants them there and saying she likes having the grandchildren in the house! She has been vomiting all day and in bed in a tiny retirement house with my kids going crazy around her!

FiL has gone out for the day because of course he has.

What a bellend he is, taking the DC somewhere totally unsuitable just to spite you.
Your poor MIL, and poor you/DC if they catch whatever it is she has.

Yeah, poor MiL as shes totally done in by life. But she isn't a kindred spirit. She tuts every time i dare ask H to lift a finger and generally seems to think im pretty awful. She will find it incomprehensible that I am not there right now.

Hello OP, just wanted to be another sending support. I left an abusive partner. Your H’s behaviour sounds almost clone like to my ex’s. It took MN to help me see it wasn’t normal and was abuse. I took a long time to leave and that’s my biggest regret, because of the dc. Good luck and warm wishes to you.

I have been through similar episodes of emotional abuse with my husband.
i eventually discovered he had undiagnosed ADHD, and then worked out his mum does too.
the anger came from childhood trauma bonds where his mother used to treat him with anger and blame him as a child. She is emotionally manipulative and my husband has no idea what love looks like. He only knows dysfunctional family circumstances.
the behaviour you describe is not typical ADHD behaviour, but it is very very common where people have had emotionally dysfunctional childhoods combined with severe ADHD.

my husband’s ADHD is severe. He can’t do any household admin- he doesn’t have the executive functioning. He can’t differentiate between short, mid and long term decisions. In severe ADHD they have no empathy. They lack the part of the brain which puts remedial action into place so they just keep making the same aggressive angry mistakes over and over again.

i’m not telling you this so you stay. I’m just letting you know there may be a root cause like this which may help you work through next steps.
if he is angry and dysfunctional and manipulative then be prepared for his very emotionally immature approach to divorce.
i wish you well.

Sounds like you made the right decision not to go, even if the reasoning was different. I bet you would have been made "mother" of the house, looking after ill MIL, tending to FIL and DH, whilst child wrangling in a house with no food. At the risk of sounding flippant...silver linings and all that

@Eskimal thank you for sharing that.

Is it bad of me to say I'm beginning to not care very much about what might cause his anger and disregard for me? I guess most toxic or dysfunctional behaviour comes from somewhere - a neurological cause or trauma or an insecurity - but I've tried to understand and support him for many years and I don't think he has spent hardly any of his time doing the same to me. Lack of empathy is right - who knows why - but I can't live for another 40 plus years with someone with no empathy.

Certainly you saying "be prepared for a very emotionally immature response to divorce" is exactly right. It terrifies me in all honesty.

My thinking also. Good decision for you not to go, OP, though be prepared for anything and everything to be your fault also. Hope you're managing to get some research done and get some rest also. 🌹

No, not bad of you at all to question how prepared to continue having to deal with behaviour you never signed up for you are.

That said, I also think @Eskimal is right to raise these very plausible possibilities that might or might not be at the root of your husband’s aggressive irrationality, and which equally might or might help inform how you proceed from here in the best interests of your family.

I'd pretend very well for now. Be ruthless and quiet. You already know he has an explosive temper and I'm sure others have said how dangerous it can be to leave someone like this.

Get copies of everything, hard copies that you can leave with someone else. Passports for you and the kids, payslips, pension details, savings accounts.

Set up a new bank account if you can do safely. A lot are completely online so no post. If it'll be you planning to leave. Sort your house ruthlessly giving lots to charity (actually going to a families house who you trust)

He will not change sadly, record him if necessary. But I'd plan to be leaving sooner rather than later.

H is home early. DS apparently crying for me at night and saying he misses me. Doesn't bode well for future arrangements.

I do have recordings of him by the way. Presume only relevant if police ever had to get involved? Would I get in trouble?