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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to the hen do?

520 replies

tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 08:05

One of my friends hen do's is soon. Since it was planned my financial circumstances have changed in that I've had a baby and given up work.
It's getting more and more expensive with what she's added to it, and the girl I'm going with is wants more petrol money than is necessary.. so I said I'd make my own way (as DH/my dad won't charge me petrol money) I was told in the group chat no I'll be going in the car with them that way I can't be late etc, and even if I get picked up on the way back she still wants the same amount of petrol money. I've been told by the hen in the group WhatsApp "you've known about this for 9 months so you could've saved, please moan to the others and not me" followed by lots of "amen" and emojis from the others. My response was so you're asking me to bitch behind your back then. I can't save money I don't have.

Part of me feels like saying I won't be attending either the hen do or wedding, leaving the group chat and saying don't talk to me talk about me to each other!

AIBU?

OP posts:

SantaBarbaraMonica · 22/03/2024 08:07

Back right out of the lot of it. You don’t need people like that in your life.

QueSyrahSyrah · 22/03/2024 08:08

Fuck that for a game. Leave the group chat and send the bride a private message letting her know you won't be attending either the hen or the wedding. Bunch of cheeky fuckers.

MiltonNorthern · 22/03/2024 08:09

Is it the bride making these comments or the bridesmaids? Definitely don't go but whether the bride knows about this or not should help you decide whether to go to the wedding or not...

Offredismysister · 22/03/2024 08:09

Well they can’t force you into the car with them. So either make your own way or don’t go. I wouldn’t go, it sounds like you’ll have a miserable time anyway.

OhGoodItsRainingAgain · 22/03/2024 08:09

Depends on how much you value the friendship. On the face of what you've said here, they don't sound like very nice people and the bride's comment and responses are quite bullying IMO. If you can't afford to go, then don't.

Pootles34 · 22/03/2024 08:09

It sounds like there might be more to this, perhaps? They sound like they don't trust you to be on time.

The thing is, you don't sound like you like each other very much?! I would just pay your share of accommodation etc and not go, chalk it up to experience.

toomanyy · 22/03/2024 08:11

They are using you as a cash cow. How can they think you should pay petrol for a return journey you’re not even on?!

The way they talk to you it’s clear they will pick on you.

Please decline!

Original poster

tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 08:11

@MiltonNorthern this is the bride. It's just a friend who wants the petrol money and in the chat they're saying no you're coming in the car with us and when I said if I just come with you and go back with DH can I pay less? Her response was "you wish"
The don't speak to me about it comment was from the bride, followed by "amen" and likes from the other hen party girls in the chat.

OP posts:

Pootle23 · 22/03/2024 08:11

I would back out. Politely say your circumstances have changed and unfortunately you can no longer afford to go as your baby comes first.

Real friends will understand.

Some brides get really b1tchy when arranging their weddings and some hen parties become ridiculously expensive.

I get they want a fun time, but at the expense of their friends is selfish.

MonsteraMama · 22/03/2024 08:12

Is that the bride who said that to you in the group chat?

They sound horrible to be honest, I've never spoken to any of my friends like that, it's giving "high school group chat", not grown adults arranging a hen night.

RampantIvy · 22/03/2024 08:12

They sound toxic. back out now and don't part with any more money.

Londonrach1 · 22/03/2024 08:13

Just leave the group and message the bride and explain re baby etc. don't go to the hen party

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 22/03/2024 08:13

Time for some new friends op.

Candleabra · 22/03/2024 08:15

They sound awful. I wouldn’t be going to this (and would be rethinking the whole friendship)

“You wish”? Are they going to force you into the car at gunpoint?

MiltonNorthern · 22/03/2024 08:15

Who is the bride to you? Unless it's your sister I would tell her to poke it up her arse (probably more politely but I would not be going)

Sparklesocks · 22/03/2024 08:15

Yeah that’s needlessly hostile. I wouldn’t go either, but I suppose it depends on your relationship with the bride (it’s trickier if she’s your SIL etc).

Hiddenvoice · 22/03/2024 08:17

I would back out completely. My sil hen do was getting more and more expensive whilst I was off on mat leave and the bridesmaids and other hens didn’t mind about me not doing all the different activities due to the expense, they were more worried about leaving me alone in the hotel room.

Your hen group sounds awful, I wouldn’t want to go and spend time with them especially when you’re having a tough time being able to afford it.

MrsSkylerWhite · 22/03/2024 08:17

She sounds unpleasant, tbh. They all do.

Your life has changed, theirs hasn’t. Time to move on and find a new friendship group with your priorities. Don’t go.

TayIorShift · 22/03/2024 08:17

This is a really strange friendship group to be honest. You know adults don't treat one another like this right?

DDivaStar · 22/03/2024 08:18

I seen to be going against the grain here. You didn't have a baby and give up work overnight, you shouldn't have agreed to go if you were unsure about your ability to pay or go. You don't seem to be very close to this friendship group to be honest. If you don't want to go; just be honest and back out now but you did agree to some costs so you shouldn't expect others to be out of pocket because of your lack of foresight.

Original poster

tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 08:18

She's just a what I thought was a close friend I've known for about 6 years. No relative or anything. I do have a tendency to be a bit late and I'm aware of this not being a good trait but even if I was late it wouldn't make a difference to them.
She's talking to me like a child, you will go in the car with the others, "I've told you, you could've saved a bit each month over the past 9 months" "this is my special time so don't moan to me as it is ruining it" I'm sorry.. what?

OP posts:

Itsallfunngamesuntil · 22/03/2024 08:19

Oh OP

This sounds more like a HEN DON'T rather than a hen do

I'd gracefully back out and pay for any costs incurred thus far x

Nannyogg134 · 22/03/2024 08:19

Tbh I wouldn't want to be around them at all (even with all the money in the world). They sound horrible.

Original poster

tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 08:20

@DDivaStar I do agree but it's the things she's since added, my plan was to get dropped off and picked up as it's cheaper (and I've never been away from baby overnight) but she's since added all this extra stuff and the paying there and back for a car I don't even want to go in or might only be in 1 way has really wound me up.

OP posts:

Shodan · 22/03/2024 08:21

They sound very tedious and I wouldn't be going on a hen do with them, let alone one where the costs keep escalating.

I'd send one last message along the lines of 'I've decided to back out of the hen do (and wedding, if that's what you want to do)- I just can't afford it. I tried to suggest ways to mitigate some of the cost and they were rejected, so it's best if I just back out. I hope you all have a great time.'

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