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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to the hen do?

520 replies

tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 08:05

One of my friends hen do's is soon. Since it was planned my financial circumstances have changed in that I've had a baby and given up work.
It's getting more and more expensive with what she's added to it, and the girl I'm going with is wants more petrol money than is necessary.. so I said I'd make my own way (as DH/my dad won't charge me petrol money) I was told in the group chat no I'll be going in the car with them that way I can't be late etc, and even if I get picked up on the way back she still wants the same amount of petrol money. I've been told by the hen in the group WhatsApp "you've known about this for 9 months so you could've saved, please moan to the others and not me" followed by lots of "amen" and emojis from the others. My response was so you're asking me to bitch behind your back then. I can't save money I don't have.

Part of me feels like saying I won't be attending either the hen do or wedding, leaving the group chat and saying don't talk to me talk about me to each other!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 08:21

There are 4 of us in this group chat (not sure how many going altogether but we had the group chat already) and she's put the 3 of them in a hotel room together and me with some cousin who's I've never met. Nice.

OP posts:
SevenSeasOfRhye · 22/03/2024 08:21

It's never going to be a good night for you after this conflict, regardless of whether you're in the right or wrong. Say 'I think it's best in the circumstances if I don't come, I hope you all have a great night'.

Shinyandnew1 · 22/03/2024 08:22

If you pull out now, will they have to split increased costs of hotels etc you’d agreed to between them?

ForNaiceHiker · 22/03/2024 08:22

ah it’s one of those mumsnet friendship groups / hen dos

ie no one seems to actually like one another

TheMixedGirl · 22/03/2024 08:22

Don't go and don't pay anything. Leave the group. Don't go to the wedding either. They sound awful

Zanatdy · 22/03/2024 08:22

Yeah no way I’d be going after that message. Some bride’s are ridiculous expecting people to fork out hundreds of pounds for their hen do and wedding.

RampantIvy · 22/03/2024 08:23

You could be honest and say that as the costs have ramped up way beyond what was initially agreed that you can no longer afford to go, then leave the group chat.

It is on them that you can't afford to go.

Besides, they sound deeply unpleasant and you wouldn't eny being with them anyway.

sleekcat · 22/03/2024 08:23

I wouldn't go and I wouldn't feel guilty about it. Just explain that you have different circumstances now and feel bad abut it but can't afford it.
When people I knew started getting married a hen do was just friends going to the pub and maybe to a club. Not sure why they have to be so elaborate these days but it's definitely become more stressful. I wouldn't expect anyone to commit to an expensive hen do unless I'd paid for them.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 22/03/2024 08:23

Fuck me. These are not your friends, I wouldn't go and would not bother with any of them in future.

I'd just post 'Count me out, I'm not interested in any of it. Thanks for making the decision really easy.' then leave the chat and block the lot of them so they can't harp on at you.

DinnaeFashYersel · 22/03/2024 08:24

These people are hideous you should pull out now.

DDivaStar · 22/03/2024 08:25

@tiredandtesting123 yep completely understand. I doubt you'll enjoy it after this, so I'd offer to cover some basic costs you agreed to and then bow out gracefully.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 22/03/2024 08:26

If you can't afford it - back out.

I do agree with the hen in part though - you really shouldn't be moaning to her about it.

RampantIvy · 22/03/2024 08:26

I wish people would be more up front about hen dos. If more invitees said at the invitation stage "I can't afford a weekend away, but I can afford a night out" then we wouldn't get this kind of scenario.

The last hen do I went to was an afternoon tea, and it cost me less than £20. We had a brilliant time.

SevenSeasOfRhye · 22/03/2024 08:30

RampantIvy · 22/03/2024 08:26

I wish people would be more up front about hen dos. If more invitees said at the invitation stage "I can't afford a weekend away, but I can afford a night out" then we wouldn't get this kind of scenario.

The last hen do I went to was an afternoon tea, and it cost me less than £20. We had a brilliant time.

The being upfront works both ways, though. The OP has explained this hen do has got more and more expensive as things were added to it. There might be unavoidable price increases, sure, if the venue puts the prices up, but the hen/organiser can't expect people to have an endless budget for add-ons.

If people want elaborate hen-dos they have to put some work in at the start to cost it and then stick to the events that are within that budget.

Createausername1970 · 22/03/2024 08:31

Agree with the suggestion that you say originally you agreed to come when it was just this cost, now it's this, that and the other and it's got beyond your budget. You are sorry, but if you had known it was going to get so expensive you wouldn't have agreed. Hope they all have a great time.

Be prepared for some fallout from Bridezilla, including not being invited to the wedding.

tortiecat · 22/03/2024 08:31

What horrible women. Say you're not going and why, block them, and don't see them again.

ForNaiceHiker · 22/03/2024 08:31

but she's since added all this extra stuff

like what?

trampoline123 · 22/03/2024 08:42

I've had to duck out of a few hens due to things coming up and not being able to afford it. Everyone has always been understanding though and I think you need different friends.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 22/03/2024 08:44

Just don’t go. Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen and you’ll wish you hadn’t gone.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 22/03/2024 08:48

You can't save money you don't have even if you had two years never mind 9 months.
You can't spend money you don't have.
You'd be staying in a room with someone you don't know.
You can't afford it
What's in it for you?
Cut your losses and find better friends

Lilydolly1981 · 22/03/2024 09:01

Politely back out. The entitlement of these people; to keep adding extras, and expecting people to fork out under the umbrella of 'friendship' only then to have an attitude on top of it all.
Don't go, not worth it.

Nevernottrying · 22/03/2024 09:05

It really doesn’t sound as if any of you particularly like each other. I’m imagining the bride has dug her heels in and is demanding you come on principle. She will have no idea how hard it is having a baby and the decrease in income. Not to mention leaving your baby overnight.
I just hope these aren’t the same woman who put on a baby shower for you , so expect you to go all out for a hen do!!

Springtime79 · 22/03/2024 09:09

It blows my mind how people end up in situations like this with people they don’t really like. Am I the only person who doesn’t have these frenemies? I genuinely like all my friends and would want to make her hen do special.
You said yourself you’re always late. Also it IS shitty to complain to the bride about it. Would love to hear the other side of this!
In any case, probably best all round that you pull out OP.

wheo · 22/03/2024 09:09

I wouldn't go to either, she doesn't respect you at all.

Your life will be a lot more peaceful without people like this in it.

Just block them all and move on

ohdamnitjanet · 22/03/2024 09:10

tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 08:21

There are 4 of us in this group chat (not sure how many going altogether but we had the group chat already) and she's put the 3 of them in a hotel room together and me with some cousin who's I've never met. Nice.

I’d not go for this reason alone, never mind the petrol money!