To not go to the hen do?

[tiredandtesting123]

One of my friends hen do's is soon. Since it was planned my financial circumstances have changed in that I've had a baby and given up work.
It's getting more and more expensive with what she's added to it, and the girl I'm going with is wants more petrol money than is necessary.. so I said I'd make my own way (as DH/my dad won't charge me petrol money) I was told in the group chat no I'll be going in the car with them that way I can't be late etc, and even if I get picked up on the way back she still wants the same amount of petrol money. I've been told by the hen in the group WhatsApp "you've known about this for 9 months so you could've saved, please moan to the others and not me" followed by lots of "amen" and emojis from the others. My response was so you're asking me to bitch behind your back then. I can't save money I don't have.

Part of me feels like saying I won't be attending either the hen do or wedding, leaving the group chat and saying don't talk to me talk about me to each other!

AIBU?

YANBU. A hen event should be fun and laid back. The chief hen is being FAR too dictatorial and adding on additional expenses/asking for unreasonable amounts of petrol money is out of order.

It's selfish (and verging on bullying) to put guests under unnecessary financial pressure, then to guilt trip them in a Whatsapp group. (This is why I avoid WhatsApp like the plague!).

She has lost sight of what's important. I would personally make an excuse to get out of the hen party or, as she has been so nasty, say 'Sorry I can no longer commit the money required to attend as I have to prioritise my newborn, but hope you have a great time!'

I wouldn't attend the hen party.

Whether or not to attend the wedding itself would depend on how close I was to the bride and also her reaction when I contacted to send apologies for not attending the hen party.

It's bloody ridiculous in a cost of living crisis to expect people to have to save up just to attend an extravagent hen do when they are already paying for a wedding present, outfit, transport etc.

At least you know now you made the right decision pulling out. Driver sounds like an evil bitch. And bride not much better. How dare they be so rude! Buying shop desserts normally works out pricier than homemade anyway. Ignore and block on all SM platforms. Enjoy your baby and christening xx Glad you have a nice genuine best friend. You don't need those money grabbing chavs on your life x

If you have 100 as the total cost and 10 people promised to go, then each person pays ten. If 5 people bail, and the cost(vacation rental, for example) is still 100, then each of the remaining people pays 20. If you have budgeted for 10, or were naive and trusting and put it on your card, then you are out double the money you planned for.
As I said, I dislike these entitled hen affairs, and destination weddings, and try to avoid them. But I am sympathetic to friends who are guilted into going, and then left holding bag for the last minute bailers.
I don't understand extra billing for the petrol, but I do understand someone budgeting travel costs under the assumption that they were being divided up, and then being annoyed when those calculations were thrown out bc somebody bailed at the last minute.
Personally I hate all this kind of drama and stress and prefer not to go. But that's the minority opinion, I know.

On the one hand, the bride doesn’t sound like a very nice person, on the other hand I think she wants you guys to be together for the hen party. If you can’t afford to participate, just nicely tell her that. If I were you, I’d find a way to make it work. Go out and have yourself some fun!

op

you say all these “extras” took you by surprise

but you haven’t clarified despite being repeatedly asked…. what was the original plan for the weekend versus all these “extras”

because going by that screenshot you posted… it looks like you budgeted for accommodation and drinks but nothing else. You didn’t think you’d…. have a meal for example?

Please read the OP's updates.

Wow so £100 for and hour and a half journey- there and back. That’s nuts. I would go to the RAC or similar website and calculate how much it will cost in petrol. They have a calculator where you can add the mileage etc. They are taking the piss. Also this hen party sounds like a dictatorship… you’ve clearly said you’re struggling financially, and they are laughing back in your face. Definitely find some new friends who are more compassionate. I’m currently planning a hen do which I gave the upfront cost at the very start (which is very low btw). I wouldn’t dream of adding finances on or insisting that people ride in the car with me and pay above odds. Sorry OP, these people are bullies.

It's not only nuts @12daysofchristmas12 it's illegal to profit out of your passengers unless you have a taxi licence.

Do not go!!! You do not need these bitches in your life.

You never know what other things have been organised that you aren’t aware of because they know you don’t have the money but will force it upon you once you’re there.

Some people don’t realise, or care that someone’s priorities change once you have a baby. Your family are your priority at the end of the day.

I do get that people should be able to have their Hen Party/Wedding to suit them but realistically, you can’t piss everyone off to get what you want.

I absolutely hear what you are saying, and I don't disagree that people need to consider other people before backing out, but I'm reading that these add ons have just been assumed ok for booking and in that case the lack of consideration is on the bride. Also, I think you need to have foresight as the organiser, when paying deposit only that this could happen, particularly if you're being horrible to people . That said, the op doesn't clarify what has been paid for by her or if she owes the op for race tickets etc so you could be right and in that case, she should've said no at the time.

The majority of things will have likely just lost the op her deposit I'd expect but if a group booking requires X amount of people they'll be splitting her share between 19 so what £2 max for a cocktail making class? Being a very large group it won't be too bad. The petrol situation is blatantly taking advantage for such a short trip though.

Is there something missing here, is the 25 each alsoto contribute to parking for the duration ? Something isn’t right. No one would pay that for a 90 min return journey in a mates car.

Please please please respond with 'you wish' - @ivowtotheemybiscuittin that is the perfect way to end this.

OP you have obviously done the right thing they sound absolutely dreadful.

Why do I get the feeling OP will wimp out and pay the £25 for the sake of "peace" having no backbone?

Please prove me wrong @tiredandtesting123

You are absolutely right in your points. Think that is why it is so important the whole cost is calculated from the outset so people can decide whether it's affordable for them or not.

Disagree when it comes to transport of this nature. If they had bought x amount of train tickets in advance, it'd be unfair they pay for OP's ticket. When it comes to the car they haven't bought extra petrol in anticipation of OP, the cost is the cost on the day. The petrol is divided up between who sits in that car for the journey trying to charge someone for a journey they aren't taking even if a last minute pull out is grabby. Especially in OP's case when they forced her into the car in the first place then tried to charge her for a journey she wouldn't be taking back.

You sound like the sort of person who railroads everyone into your plans, decides it’s up to you to control everyone, and says things like “god, it’s only another £50, what’s the problem” 🙄🙄🙄

My first wedding was in 2001, I had a night out in town and a veil with condoms pinned to it, my friend got married the same year and she had a meal out before we went to the clubs and we all thought that was really extravagant!! There are some friendship groups where weekends in Ibiza etc are not an expensive chore and everyone enjoys them but normally there are just variations on people who resent it and wish they weren’t there, with a bridezilla at the centre.

and see this is where the OP is missing the details - we don't know what was agreed 1st and then when the extras were added on and so forth - we have no timeline of the whole thing- weather the OP agreed or not -all we know is now the OP has panicked and changed her mind and the friends have been which i agree with haven not been very nice to her and the transport thing is a bit crap
i have been on the other end of organizing the hen - details were dreams up - clearly agreed with the bride before went out - wasnt a holiday etc - local city known for hen parties, all details of what price entailed clearly laid out -plenty of notice, deposit paid within one month and then balance pone month before the hen party -think it was 10 months notice. One girl in particular was very vocal about going - delighted and all fo it -but god she was a nightmare, The last to pay the deposit and had to be chased - but yet on group chat all for it and even said she was so looking forward to it and wouldn't miss it for the world. I sent out reminders every month to people and if they didn't want to go they could drop out by a certain date or else we had to pay an x amount. I also gave people an option to pay installments and had a spreadsheet visible to everyone what each costs covered. No word what so ever from this girl about not going. well when it came to final payment and the deadline for dropping out came -she was no where to be found -keep ignoring messages, not answering phone calls and even dodging other girls about it when asked. Finally got a huge long winded wahts app message - not on the group chat about she couldn't afford it etc. i explained that i had sent numerous messages about the balance and gave a time line of when she could have dropped out without adding costs to the rest And now the payment is needed. She then refused to come back to me. Spoke to the rest of the bridesmaids and we tried to suck it up a bit by use paying more and then only asking the rest for a small extra- people paid no issues - didn't hear any giving out from anyone explained the issues. However on the night lo and behold the cheeky cow turned up. Turs out she had FOMO as all her friends were at it and seen the pics on insta (venue was only an hours drive from home) Well me and the rest of the bridesmaids reefed her, She had some cheek ( Bride didn't know the full details that she couldn't come ) We refused to let her ( was a private area) unless she coughed up the money. Which she begrudgingly did, we the refunded the money to the rest who had paid extra, she couldn't come back to the hotel though as we had rearranged the rooms, and i heard afterwards alot distanced them from her as this wasnt the 1st time she pulled something like this -never again will i arrange something like that again

OP, just block these terrible people, for your sanity if nothing else.

I'm assuming the OP wont be going to the wedding either!

This just sounds like a bunch of people going on a hen do who don't actually like each other.

Perhaps the OP is leaving some details out, who knows, but it is quite clear the other hens simply don't like her...what's curious is that the bride doesn't either, her language isn't that of a friend or even an acquaintance, it's that of someone who has an active dislike for the other person - so I'm not sure why the OP was invited on the hen do in the first place.

Yes, this. Unpleasant twats.

CF, tell her to do one.

So childish. I would respond in kind by saying: 'So funny when people try to fleece their friends!'

But then, thinking about it, you not responding at all - with a comment or payment - will ensure the 'joke' is well and truly on her...

Alright Inspector Morse, this is hardly the point really & OP has explained in a previous post.

Nope.

But I've often noticed that the person who does NONE of the legwork then complains right after everything is agreed that it's all too dear. And instead of saying "listen have a great time folks but I will have to give it a miss" they come along anyway pulling stints like sleeping on the couch and not paying for their share of accommodation, refusing to contribute to the food kitty as they 'brought their own supplies' yet helping themselves surreptitiously, moaning non stop and never thanking the organisers, passive aggressively saying they will walk or catch a bus as the taxi is too expensive so the others cave and tell them to just get in.

I've seen it so many times.

If it was out of budget op should have said she wasn't able to attend and wished them a great time. Instead she moaned and wrecked the vibe for other people after it was all arranged. If the meal is too expensive did she come up with a better suggestion for everyone? No of course not.

That said the driver sounds like a nasty piece of work.