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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to the hen do?

520 replies

tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 08:05

One of my friends hen do's is soon. Since it was planned my financial circumstances have changed in that I've had a baby and given up work.
It's getting more and more expensive with what she's added to it, and the girl I'm going with is wants more petrol money than is necessary.. so I said I'd make my own way (as DH/my dad won't charge me petrol money) I was told in the group chat no I'll be going in the car with them that way I can't be late etc, and even if I get picked up on the way back she still wants the same amount of petrol money. I've been told by the hen in the group WhatsApp "you've known about this for 9 months so you could've saved, please moan to the others and not me" followed by lots of "amen" and emojis from the others. My response was so you're asking me to bitch behind your back then. I can't save money I don't have.

Part of me feels like saying I won't be attending either the hen do or wedding, leaving the group chat and saying don't talk to me talk about me to each other!

AIBU?

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 22/03/2024 10:14

You really don’t have to go.

NeedToChangeName · 22/03/2024 10:14

Petrol money is cheeky

But, if you pull out, it's not fair on others if you're expecting them to pay extra for hotel to cover your share

Mrsttcno1 · 22/03/2024 10:14

howlismoving · 22/03/2024 10:09

@Mrsttcno1 I have a feeling you're enjoying playing devils advocate here because the OP said they've asked for 'petrol' not money for a taxi so it means someone in the group is driving there and charging everyone £25 for 2 x 45 min journeys there and back - which is mad!

I’m not necessarily trying to play devils advocate, but the point is that if I needed a taxi to take me 45 mins one way and then 45 mins back, it would cost me a lot more than £25. “Petrol money” is always going to be a contribution to petrol & for the inconvenience of being the driver, if one of my friends was taking the short straw by driving me 1 hour 15 mins I wouldn’t think £25 was at all unreasonable, as I say, it would cost me much more than that otherwise.

It just seems like OP isn’t actually friends with these people at all, at which point I don’t know why you’d plan to go on a hen do. Among genuine friends nobody would begrudge giving £25 for that kind of journey.

toomanyy · 22/03/2024 10:15

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 22/03/2024 10:13

There are plans made for things to do (which generally is the point of a hen do), you’ve admitted you have form for being late (which will obviously hold things up) so I can see why they’re insisting you travel with them. You’ve agreed to stay in a hotel and you not going will obviously impact their costs. I suggest you tell them now you don’t want to go and forget this friendship- sounds like it’s pretty much over and yes you are kind of spoiling it although I appreciate it’s for financial trasons

Surely the people spoiling it are the ones trying to rip off OP off for petrol costs?

toomanyy · 22/03/2024 10:17

Mrsttcno1 · 22/03/2024 10:14

I’m not necessarily trying to play devils advocate, but the point is that if I needed a taxi to take me 45 mins one way and then 45 mins back, it would cost me a lot more than £25. “Petrol money” is always going to be a contribution to petrol & for the inconvenience of being the driver, if one of my friends was taking the short straw by driving me 1 hour 15 mins I wouldn’t think £25 was at all unreasonable, as I say, it would cost me much more than that otherwise.

It just seems like OP isn’t actually friends with these people at all, at which point I don’t know why you’d plan to go on a hen do. Among genuine friends nobody would begrudge giving £25 for that kind of journey.

Show quote history

The point is OP is having a hard time financially and doesn't need a taxi service, her husband will drop her.

The driver will get at least £75 for a 1.5 hour round trip if she's driving 3 people. That's madness!

And OP won't even get the benefit of return journey as her DH would collect her.

There is no short straw here for the friends. How are you not getting this?

Onelifeonly · 22/03/2024 10:21

No one has the right to "railroad" you. If that happened to me I wouldn't comply on principle. If a reasonable discussion took place between friends about how £100 'petrol money' (or however much it is) is way over the top for 2 x 45 minute car journeys and a sensible estimate was arrived at instead, then I would go along with it - IF I really wanted to go. I also wouldn't agree to a hotel stay that wasn't required.

They can't force you to do anything or pay a certain amount. Either stand up for yourself and insist you will be taking lifts you have arranged and not staying overnight, or just don't go.

You can still go to the wedding if you like.

It sounds like the car driver is trying to make a tidy profit out of the lift, so has financial concerns herself.

By the way, people respect you more when you do stand up for yourself.

bradpittsbathwater · 22/03/2024 10:22

Wow. They sound bloody awful. I'd say no

toomuchfaff · 22/03/2024 10:22

Nope nope nope - for every reason you have stated - And with that - "i'm out"

Mrsttcno1 · 22/03/2024 10:23

toomanyy · 22/03/2024 10:17

The point is OP is having a hard time financially and doesn't need a taxi service, her husband will drop her.

The driver will get at least £75 for a 1.5 hour round trip if she's driving 3 people. That's madness!

And OP won't even get the benefit of return journey as her DH would collect her.

There is no short straw here for the friends. How are you not getting this?

Edited
Show quote history

As I’ve said in previous posts, I suspect for the friends this is much less about the money as it is about OP wanting to make changes and complain last minute.

It’s been booked for 9 months minimum, it is now “soon” AKA it’s now last minute, and OP wants to change agreed upon plans using the excuse that she can’t afford it.

OP has also already said she is regularly late, she agreed to go with the group so as to avoid this, now wants to change it and is hanging it on a friend being unreasonable for wanting petrol money. Her husband’s car doesn’t run on fresh air, so it’s not free for him to drop her either.

Also, there is a short straw, not many people would want to be the driver for a hen trip that involves cocktail making, bottomless brunch, a day at the races… so the driver who agreed to take others rightfully wants petrol money.

£75 for a 1 hour 15 minute journey really isn’t that ridiculous.

Again, I don’t think it’s really the money issue bothering the friends. You don’t make a baby, have a baby and end up skint overnight, and so when OP has gone along with the plans for 9 months and then complains last minute of course people are going to be annoyed.

Toooldforthis36 · 22/03/2024 10:27

£25 each for 45mins in a car, sod that. The whole thing sounds awful as does the company, I’d bail on this altogether inc the wedding!

Onelifeonly · 22/03/2024 10:27

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 22/03/2024 09:54

They sound rude, but it does depend as to whether you were being unreasonable. My best friend got married recently in her 40s, over the years she's been at every hen do/weekend/week abroad, destination weddings the lot. She's ended up getting married a bit later. Lots of people who she's spent a fortune on without a murmur pulled.ouy of the hen etc because they can't afford it, have other financial priorities, children etc. I felt bad for her because done of those events meant she didn't get a holiday that year or she worked overtime to be able to afford to go and she did it all with a smile, genuinely happy for her friends and extended family, but lots of them didn't extend the courtesy back. One of them had a week long hen in the canaries and begrudged the cost of a night out in a UK Northern city.

It is not her friend's fault she is getting married later in life, nor that they now have other financial commitments and responsibilities. She made her choices based on what she knew and wanted to do at the time. I assume, like all her friends, she did not have a crystal ball showing her the future. It's not unreasonable to commit to family over friendships, its normal.

toomanyy · 22/03/2024 10:31

Mrsttcno1 · 22/03/2024 10:23

As I’ve said in previous posts, I suspect for the friends this is much less about the money as it is about OP wanting to make changes and complain last minute.

It’s been booked for 9 months minimum, it is now “soon” AKA it’s now last minute, and OP wants to change agreed upon plans using the excuse that she can’t afford it.

OP has also already said she is regularly late, she agreed to go with the group so as to avoid this, now wants to change it and is hanging it on a friend being unreasonable for wanting petrol money. Her husband’s car doesn’t run on fresh air, so it’s not free for him to drop her either.

Also, there is a short straw, not many people would want to be the driver for a hen trip that involves cocktail making, bottomless brunch, a day at the races… so the driver who agreed to take others rightfully wants petrol money.

£75 for a 1 hour 15 minute journey really isn’t that ridiculous.

Again, I don’t think it’s really the money issue bothering the friends. You don’t make a baby, have a baby and end up skint overnight, and so when OP has gone along with the plans for 9 months and then complains last minute of course people are going to be annoyed.

Edited
Show quote history

£75 for a 1 hour 15 minute journey really isn’t that ridiculous.

Again, I don’t think it’s really the money issue bothering the friends.

OF COURSE the money isn't an issue for the friends, they're (or at least one of them is) profiting off the OP.

In your rarified world £75 for a 1.15 journey may not be a lot, but in ordinary peoples' worlds of course it would annoy someone to see someone cream so much fat off the total!

In my car it would not even cost £10 to do 1.15 hours!

And OP would only get a 45 minute journey.

EllieBellieBee · 22/03/2024 10:33

I was told in the group chat no I'll be going in the car with them that way I can't be late

You’ve said you’re late to a few things, it sounds like they’re fed up of your lateness tbh.

I’d have left the chat at the “you wish” comments and emojis. These are not friends and there’s no way I’d have tolerated anyone telling me I was going in a car with them if I chose to get there by other means. As I said though, they’re probably fed up of your lateness and wanted to get you there on time but that still doesn’t excuse their rudeness.

As others have said I’d leave the chat, wish the bride a lovely wedding day and let her know you’re no longer attending. Then I’d block them all. What a bunch of nasty bitches.

candgen625 · 22/03/2024 10:37

Is this really about the lateness. Are you really just a tiny bit late or is it more like bottomless brunch starts at 11am and you rock up at 12.30.

burnoutbabe · 22/03/2024 10:41

I'd just say you are making your own way there and back, you may want to leave early the next day to get back to your baby?

do you want to do any of it? maybe agree to attend all the Sat stuff you already agreed to when it was first discussed and share of hotel room but go home end of Saturday if only 30 mins from home?

spannered · 22/03/2024 10:41

The car stuff sounds ridiculous, but sounds like they're being pushy because you have a tendency towards lateness. I can't bear people that are always late, because I'm always early 😂

I don't think you particularly care about this friendship tbh. If you did, you would have found a way to put a bit of money away, or let the bride know early on that you couldn't participate in all of the activities.

I'm not surprised the bride doesn't want to see you moaning. This is her special time, so negativity around her hen do isn't nice for her to see.

If I were in your shoes I'd message the bride and let her know that the friendship has run its course and wish her well.

Nanny0gg · 22/03/2024 10:46

tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 09:41

@SomethingUniqueThisTime this isn't what I said it's what I feel like saying in response to the bride saying don't complain to me, complain to everyone else about me.

None of the rest of it matters

They're being obnoxious (esp the bride) and even if you go you'll have a shit time

Don't even engage with anything else... 'I'm sorry, I can't leave the baby. Hope you all have a lovely time. Agnes, I wish you and your fiancé all the happiness in the world. Sadly we are no longer able to join you on your special day'

Exit the group and block the lot of them

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 22/03/2024 10:52

AngelsandAliens · 22/03/2024 09:10

Nope ! No way would I be going with people who speak with me like that , that would have ruined it for me now , that feeling wouldn’t just go for me just because you are all on a hen do and haven’t a drink etc .

I would literally leave and block and I even wouldn’t pay anything else , but then I would never expect friends to treat me that way .

you are worth more than this , imagine what they are saying behind your back if they are all saying amen etc. to the brides messages .

they sound like mean girls !

This! I wouldn't even give them the courtesy of letting them know you aren't going. Just mass block and ignore. If they're this nasty on the chat, imagine what they'll be like with several drinks in them! I wouldn't be paying through the nose to be treated like crap.

Bluegray2 · 22/03/2024 10:54

They sound like a bunch of bitches…. Definitely do not go and I wouldn’t go to the wedding either, don’t feel like you have to explain your financial situation to her any further it’s none of their business

LAMPS1 · 22/03/2024 11:13

If you don’t want to go to the hen party after that horrid chat from them, nobody would blame you.
But stay polite in your message. Make your point briefly and clearly but respectfully (even though they have been less than respectful towards you)

Hi everybody, thanks for including me in the hen party but I just need to let you all to know I’ve decided it’s best all round for me not to come after all. With a new baby as well as financial restraints I’ve found it’s just not possible. Have a great time!

skyfly · 22/03/2024 11:18

Don’t go as the costs may go up even higher on the day of the party with unexpected drinks etc. Send the bride a polite private message to explain and don’t allow the group to treat you like that and force you into something you cannot afford doing or make you feel guilty. If you go, you feel uncomfortable anyway.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 22/03/2024 11:38

Mrsttcno1 · 22/03/2024 09:52

I suppose that depends how many are in the car though doesn’t it? If I got a taxi for a 45 min journey from my house it would cost me more than £25, a 45 min taxi here would probably be close to £80 here at least, for reference a taxi into town from my house is typically £20-25 and it’s a 15 minute trip. So no I wouldn’t say that is taking the piss really.

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A 45 min journey is probably around 25 to 35 miles. Maybe a gallon of fuel. And then the same back. I assume there's 3 in the car including OP or maybe 4. Otherwise it would be just her and the driver. It does not cost an average car £75 to drive this distance or nobody would go anywhere!
She's not a taxi.
She doesn't have the outlay that a taxi driver has.
She should not be making a profit on this. At a guess it may even invalidate her insurance.

FriendDilemma24 · 22/03/2024 11:41

This sounds awful, OP. Do you really want to stay friends with any one in the group, let alone go to the hen do? In your shoes, I’d be stepping right back!
yes, you’ve known about it for a while but they’ve added lots of extras to it. And to insist you travel in the car when you live nearer the venue is just ridiculous.
Honestly, I think I’d just send a polite message saying this isn’t what you originally signed up for so you think it’s best you don’t go, then leave the group!

MorningSunshineSparkles · 22/03/2024 11:43

An invite is a request, not a summons. I’d not be going if I were in your shoes, bride sounds like a cow and the rest sound like they lack empathy too.

Hadjab · 22/03/2024 11:51

tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 09:39

She's wanting £25 each (from everyone in the car) for a 45 minute journey. I actually live closer to the destination than they do, so I would have to go back on myself to get a lift with them. It's near where DH works so he would probably nip into the office after dropping me off.

I and three friends drive from London to Wales every year to stay at another friend's cottage. It costs approximately £150 for petrol there and back. We split the cost evenly, based on what we actually pay, not some arbitrary amount plucked from the air. I don't know what kind of car she has, but I know I don't use £25 worth of petrol driving for 45 minutes, and my car isn't small.