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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to the hen do?

520 replies

tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 08:05

One of my friends hen do's is soon. Since it was planned my financial circumstances have changed in that I've had a baby and given up work.
It's getting more and more expensive with what she's added to it, and the girl I'm going with is wants more petrol money than is necessary.. so I said I'd make my own way (as DH/my dad won't charge me petrol money) I was told in the group chat no I'll be going in the car with them that way I can't be late etc, and even if I get picked up on the way back she still wants the same amount of petrol money. I've been told by the hen in the group WhatsApp "you've known about this for 9 months so you could've saved, please moan to the others and not me" followed by lots of "amen" and emojis from the others. My response was so you're asking me to bitch behind your back then. I can't save money I don't have.

Part of me feels like saying I won't be attending either the hen do or wedding, leaving the group chat and saying don't talk to me talk about me to each other!

AIBU?

OP posts:
AngelsandAliens · 22/03/2024 09:10

Nope ! No way would I be going with people who speak with me like that , that would have ruined it for me now , that feeling wouldn’t just go for me just because you are all on a hen do and haven’t a drink etc .

I would literally leave and block and I even wouldn’t pay anything else , but then I would never expect friends to treat me that way .

you are worth more than this , imagine what they are saying behind your back if they are all saying amen etc. to the brides messages .

they sound like mean girls !

AngelsandAliens · 22/03/2024 09:11

Sorry that should have read , having a drink not haven’t a drink ….

user1984778379202 · 22/03/2024 09:14

They sound awful and now it’s going to be you versus them at the hen. I would sack it off with the following message:

Dear Bride, I might have been able to save more if you hadn’t kept adding stuff to escalate the cost. That’s of course your choice, but please take this as confirmation that I’m not coming now because I simply cannot afford it.

SunshineAndFizz · 22/03/2024 09:19

No, I wouldn't go.

Definitely an honest answer saying your circumstances have changed meaning you have a lot less money, and since making your own way there to save money isn't an option either you have no choice but to pull out.

Stupidliefromfriend · 22/03/2024 09:21

You sound like a nightmare.

Cancel and leave them to have a good time. You're squabbling over a few pounds no doubt and making life difficult for everybody else moaning in the group, ruining the buildup for the bride and leaving the work and organising to other people.

I know exactly the group member you are; runs late, holds everyone else up, never says thanks and always leaves the kitty just a bit short.

howlismoving · 22/03/2024 09:21

I do think it's unusual to speak to the bride about these issues - usually you'd have a sideline convo with the planners so it doesn't stress the bride out when she's probably got a lot of other things to plan and think about.

But... I cannot believe she spoke to you like that what a horrible person! Why are you even friends with someone that would speak to you like that?

The other girls sound horrible too - you're an adult and it's up to you how you travel.

candgen625 · 22/03/2024 09:24

Just to play devils advocate. It's really hard organising group events, and there is always someone at the last minute suddenly wanting to change things for whatever reason. It's really frustrating.
If you can't afford it you can't afford it and that's that but it's hard on the person organising

That said I wish hen dos would go back to an evening in the local pub

Fortitudinal · 22/03/2024 09:25

Don’t go. They sound like nasty idiots.

SomethingUniqueThisTime · 22/03/2024 09:25

How much are you being expected to pay towards petrol costs, and how far away is the venue?
On the basis of the facts you are sharing with us it does sound like they are being unkind, but I feel there is much more to this than you are divulging.

Is it reasonable to expect either your DH or Dad to drive you (presumably for free) when there is room for you in the car? Surely the cost can’t be so much it’s worth their time to drive you unnecessarily?

Mrsttcno1 · 22/03/2024 09:29

Stupidliefromfriend · 22/03/2024 09:21

You sound like a nightmare.

Cancel and leave them to have a good time. You're squabbling over a few pounds no doubt and making life difficult for everybody else moaning in the group, ruining the buildup for the bride and leaving the work and organising to other people.

I know exactly the group member you are; runs late, holds everyone else up, never says thanks and always leaves the kitty just a bit short.

I have to say I sort of agree with this!

If plans have changed since you initially agreed then you needed to be saying at that point that actually your budget is £X so you can’t do Y/Z. If you aren’t friendly enough to have that chat then honestly I don’t know why you’d have agreed to the hen do anyway. Every hen my friendship group have organised, including mine, has all been discussed in depth budgets etc before anything was booked, we are all very close and we find a way to make it work for everyone.

It sounds like you’ve left it until quite last minute to mention any of this at which point you can see why it seems a bit “well you’ve had time to save OR say you can’t do it”. It’s also quite unusual to make any of these complaints to the bride, we have a general rule among our friends that we basically have a separate “hen do” chat for each friend and the bride is never included in that chat for exactly this reason, so that any issues don’t have to bother her.

SomethingUniqueThisTime · 22/03/2024 09:30

“leaving the group chat and saying don't talk to me talk about me to each other!”
What a strange thing to say, you do sound very naive.

whitenoisemachine · 22/03/2024 09:30

Eurgh hen dos bring out the worst in people on the brink of bridezilla.

I'd leave the group, message her separately and politely decline the wedding and hen do, as others have said. Then cut her off

howlismoving · 22/03/2024 09:31

Even if the OP is being difficult it's because she's worried about money and a good friend would be more sympathetic I think even if it was frustrating

Ihearditfrommyradio · 22/03/2024 09:33

Well, you be a complete doormat and quite frankly - an idiot - to go on this hen do and wedding.

These people are not your friends, you will be the butt of their jokes..they are treating you incredibly meanly and displaying bullying behaviour now , what do you think they are going to be like on a Hen Do?

Honestly, if you go you deserve everything you get. Have some self respect and block these people from your life.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 22/03/2024 09:34

and the girl I'm going with is wants more petrol money than is necessary.. so I said I'd make my own way (as DH/my dad won't charge me petrol money)

How much petrol money does she want?
Your DH giving you a lift instead to save money just doesn't make sense - his fuel isn't free. You'd still be paying for the cost of the journey. I find it hard to believe that the money she's asking for taking a group is more than it would cost for your partner to make return trips?

Original poster
tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 09:39

She's wanting £25 each (from everyone in the car) for a 45 minute journey. I actually live closer to the destination than they do, so I would have to go back on myself to get a lift with them. It's near where DH works so he would probably nip into the office after dropping me off.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 09:40

She's added things like a trip to the races, bottomless brunch, cocktail making.. and I originally was going to just get a lift there and back but they've railroaded me in to staying at the hotel and getting in their car.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 09:41

@SomethingUniqueThisTime this isn't what I said it's what I feel like saying in response to the bride saying don't complain to me, complain to everyone else about me.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 22/03/2024 09:41

howlismoving · 22/03/2024 09:31

Even if the OP is being difficult it's because she's worried about money and a good friend would be more sympathetic I think even if it was frustrating

There’s a time and place though, as another poster has said, you don’t fall pregnant, give birth etc in a few weeks, and it sounds like this hen has been planned for a long time (9 months I think OP mentioned). There has been plenty of time to either a) save/put money away or b) for OP to say actually I can’t afford xyz, my budget is £x. Among my friend group in the last few years quite a few of us have had babies overlapping with hen do’s which has of course impacted finances for people, each time though this has been discussed straight away, one friend opted out of attending as soon as she found out she was pregnant as she knew she’d need any savings for her mat leave and that was absolutely fine with everybody of course, 2 of the other girls for 2 other hen do’s again said they’d love to still attend but would only be able to afford £X and so we planned around them to include everyone.

I don’t think the issue is so much the money but the fact that as OP says, this hen is now “soon” and has been organised for 9 months. Of course people are going to be annoyed when last minute someone starts complaining or wants to pay less.

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 22/03/2024 09:41

Sounds like a bloody rip off!! Back out altogether... What an awful bridezilla..

AppleTree16 · 22/03/2024 09:43

tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 09:41

@SomethingUniqueThisTime this isn't what I said it's what I feel like saying in response to the bride saying don't complain to me, complain to everyone else about me.

You need to put on your big girl pants and just tell them you aren’t going.

toomanyy · 22/03/2024 09:47

tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 09:40

She's added things like a trip to the races, bottomless brunch, cocktail making.. and I originally was going to just get a lift there and back but they've railroaded me in to staying at the hotel and getting in their car.

Sounds like you're still going then, OP?

BlastedPimples · 22/03/2024 09:47

What dreadful people.

The "You wish" about reducing the cost of petrol for you is hilarious. Who do they think they are, charging you for something you're not using?

I would back out and drop them all as friends or acquaintances whatever they are. They sound awful.

howlismoving · 22/03/2024 09:48

@Mrsttcno1 I understand what you mean and I know it's hard to organise events but it does sound like they are taking the piss with the petrol money - and also sounds like it's a last min addition

mrlistersgelfbride · 22/03/2024 09:50

Don't go OP. You'll have a rubbish time and judging from how these women sound they'll make digs at you and bully you for the whole hen weekend.
They don't sound like friends.
If they want to know why you have backed out say it's because of what they have said about you, you don't deserve to be treated like that and pay for the privilege.