To not go to the hen do?

[tiredandtesting123]

One of my friends hen do's is soon. Since it was planned my financial circumstances have changed in that I've had a baby and given up work.
It's getting more and more expensive with what she's added to it, and the girl I'm going with is wants more petrol money than is necessary.. so I said I'd make my own way (as DH/my dad won't charge me petrol money) I was told in the group chat no I'll be going in the car with them that way I can't be late etc, and even if I get picked up on the way back she still wants the same amount of petrol money. I've been told by the hen in the group WhatsApp "you've known about this for 9 months so you could've saved, please moan to the others and not me" followed by lots of "amen" and emojis from the others. My response was so you're asking me to bitch behind your back then. I can't save money I don't have.

Part of me feels like saying I won't be attending either the hen do or wedding, leaving the group chat and saying don't talk to me talk about me to each other!

AIBU?

Just reply along the lines of "you're right, I have no wish to ruin your special weekend so I'll see you at the wedding. I'll pay for anything I've committed too that it's too late to cancel"

I suppose that depends how many are in the car though doesn’t it? If I got a taxi for a 45 min journey from my house it would cost me more than £25, a 45 min taxi here would probably be close to £80 here at least, for reference a taxi into town from my house is typically £20-25 and it’s a 15 minute trip. So no I wouldn’t say that is taking the piss really.

1. Exit the group chat (don't announce it, just do it)
2. Message the bride to tell her that you aren't going to the wedding or the hen do and wish her all the best
3. Block everyone involved on everything
4. Enjoy the peace

I have never spoken to friends like this, they sure don´t respect you and are treating you like a toddler. Sorry, do yourself a favour pull out and block. You are a mother now and have outgrown these silly high schoolers. Get yourself some mom friends. Believe me, when you route out the toxic nobodies from your life, the RELIEF you feel is well worth it.

They sound rude, but it does depend as to whether you were being unreasonable. My best friend got married recently in her 40s, over the years she's been at every hen do/weekend/week abroad, destination weddings the lot. She's ended up getting married a bit later. Lots of people who she's spent a fortune on without a murmur pulled.ouy of the hen etc because they can't afford it, have other financial priorities, children etc. I felt bad for her because done of those events meant she didn't get a holiday that year or she worked overtime to be able to afford to go and she did it all with a smile, genuinely happy for her friends and extended family, but lots of them didn't extend the courtesy back. One of them had a week long hen in the canaries and begrudged the cost of a night out in a UK Northern city.

These people are not your friends, bow out! Even if you did do what they wanted at this stage, the atmosphere would be awful.

This ⬆️

Your friend did that of her own free will, because she really wanted to and if she couldn´t really afford it and didn´t want to say no, she was actually a doormat and a people pleaser. That´s on her, unfortunately. It seems her friends have more boundaries. And enforce them. I say that as someone who got married 10 years after my peers.

I've read your updates and you're not wrong at all. I'd say I'll make my own way there and back. If they make a fuss, I'd say I'm no longer coming because it's getting too expensive now.

Honestly, just fuck it all off and fuck THEM all off. You’ve got a baby and what they’re asking of you is outrageous tbh, and the petrol money shot is insane.

they are not friends. They really aren’t

mute the chat and stop engaging. Let them work it out

OP, if you still really want to go:

'Morning ladies, my DH will be dropping me off at X time. Looking forward to celebrating HEN'S NAME special day together.'

If they ask for petrol money afterwards, just say 'I'm being dropped off by my DH'. Nothing else.

I feel bad for your friend but I think she was naive and daft to prioritise these hen dos and destination weddings over her own holiday wishes.

I hope this is a cautionary take to other women to only go to things you really want to go to and can afford to go without working overtime or doing without elsewhere.

I'm also going against the grain your regularly late by your own admission. How much petrol are you paying? What is the distance? I suspect there's alot more to this and your difficult normally. Organising hen do is a nightmare task especially if you have people who don't make things easy.

Do you really need people like this in your life, OP? They're self-interested bullies; definitely not your friends.

If you RTFT you'll see the venue is 45 minutes away and they want £25 for petrol.

One of the friends is clearly trying to make a profit.

She's wanting £25 each (from everyone in the car) for a 45 minute journey. I actually live closer to the destination than they do, so I would have to go back on myself to get a lift with them. It's near where DH works so he would probably nip into the office after dropping me off.

She's expecting £25 out of everyone in the car (is it a full car? 4 people plus her?) for a journey that would be 1.5 hrs in total?
Are you sure? I'm struggling to believe anyone would be that ballsy. What does she drive?
Is it defo her driving? They haven't booked a car/driver?

@toomanyy the thing is she would've genuinely wanted to celebrate with people she cares about, at important times in their lives even if it inconvenienced her a bit, I think most of us have prioritised someone other than ourselves at times. Good god I hate a baby shower but I go because I love my friends.

She also didn't say a word about those who didn't go to hers because she is a lovelier person than I am! I guess some people will always focus on themselves so it's no surprise that it's the bridezillas who then can't possibly put themselves out to attend someone else's celebration.

A PP referred to her as a doormat, which I think speaks to their own character more than hers.

If you read OPs updates you will see she is asking for £25 each for petrol for a 45 minute journey, which op will have to travel further away from the destination to reach. They're taking the piss. No matter how "stressful" organising a hen do is, you don't rip people off and demand anyone does anything unless you're a prick.

@Mrsttcno1 I have a feeling you're enjoying playing devils advocate here because the OP said they've asked for 'petrol' not money for a taxi so it means someone in the group is driving there and charging everyone £25 for 2 x 45 min journeys there and back - which is mad!

Just say “really sorry to let you down but my circumstances have changed since I’ve had a baby and I just can’t afford to prioritise the cost of a hen do over other things. So I won’t be able to attend. I hope you all have a fab time!” Then leave the chat. They don’t sound like very nice people anyway based on the group chat, and their demands on you are unreasonable.

I guess it depends on how her friendships are now with the ones who didn't attend her hen do? Are they still close? Do they make an effort for her in other ways?

I would definitely cut your losses and pull out of the weekend.

There are plans made for things to do (which generally is the point of a hen do), you’ve admitted you have form for being late (which will obviously hold things up) so I can see why they’re insisting you travel with them. You’ve agreed to stay in a hotel and you not going will obviously impact their costs. I suggest you tell them now you don’t want to go and forget this friendship- sounds like it’s pretty much over and yes you are kind of spoiling it although I appreciate it’s for financial trasons

Not sure it would like anyone wants you there except for the fact they can get the trip cheaper for themselves! I’m sad at the thought of you going if this is how they are before you even get there. They don’t sound like nice people.

£25 is petrol money from EACH person in the car for a 1.5 hours round trip. It's not taxi money.

It's an obscene amount of money when you look at the small distance and also that OP is nearer to the venue but expected to go back on herself to get a lift with them.