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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to the hen do?

520 replies

tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 08:05

One of my friends hen do's is soon. Since it was planned my financial circumstances have changed in that I've had a baby and given up work.
It's getting more and more expensive with what she's added to it, and the girl I'm going with is wants more petrol money than is necessary.. so I said I'd make my own way (as DH/my dad won't charge me petrol money) I was told in the group chat no I'll be going in the car with them that way I can't be late etc, and even if I get picked up on the way back she still wants the same amount of petrol money. I've been told by the hen in the group WhatsApp "you've known about this for 9 months so you could've saved, please moan to the others and not me" followed by lots of "amen" and emojis from the others. My response was so you're asking me to bitch behind your back then. I can't save money I don't have.

Part of me feels like saying I won't be attending either the hen do or wedding, leaving the group chat and saying don't talk to me talk about me to each other!

AIBU?

OP posts:
areyoutheregod · 22/03/2024 11:51

Oh this sounds awful, and unreasonable to expect everyone has the same money. I hate things like this. You can't do what you can't afford, so as much as it feels hard to do, you should stand up for yourself. Back out of the whole thing, they don't sound very nice.

viques · 22/03/2024 11:54

Mnetcurious · 22/03/2024 10:11

Just say “really sorry to let you down but my circumstances have changed since I’ve had a baby and I just can’t afford to prioritise the cost of a hen do over other things. So I won’t be able to attend. I hope you all have a fab time!” Then leave the chat. They don’t sound like very nice people anyway based on the group chat, and their demands on you are unreasonable.

This is a good response, but I would take out the bit about not being able to afford the cost because the bridezilla has already made nasty comments about the OP not saving up for the event.

so “Really sorry to let you down, but my circumstances have changed since I had the baby , so I won’t be able to attend. I hope you all have a fab time. “

Then block the group chat.

Silvers11 · 22/03/2024 11:58

Shodan · 22/03/2024 08:21

They sound very tedious and I wouldn't be going on a hen do with them, let alone one where the costs keep escalating.

I'd send one last message along the lines of 'I've decided to back out of the hen do (and wedding, if that's what you want to do)- I just can't afford it. I tried to suggest ways to mitigate some of the cost and they were rejected, so it's best if I just back out. I hope you all have a great time.'

I mostly agree with this poster - I would though say that since having the baby, things have changed and it won't be possible. But make the reply polite

LaylaLayla1 · 22/03/2024 12:00

The answer here is quite simple “shove your hen do, your wedding and your friendship up your arse”

Brefugee · 22/03/2024 12:01

I'm kind of on the fence. OP sounds like the late flakey friend and i totally get them pointing that out. Also as pp said everything that has "come up" between agreeing to the basic hen-do and now was not a surprise. OP should probably have ducked out long ago but since nobody ever seems to be able to do that here on MN I'm not surprised.

Add- ons as time goes on? meh. Having said that it may be that an organiser says "how about x" and everyone says yes instead of "how much?" and only agreeing after the price is given. 25 quid for that drive? that is taking the piss. It won't even cost the driver that much if they went alone and took nobody.

So, OP in your shoes you have a few options: "sorry to pull out so late but there are so many extras i can't do it"
"i will come to x event, but not stay overnight and do not need a lift. I will not be late" (but then: don't be late)
Just leave the chat and don't go. Preferably say "i can't go" then leave the chat, no big announcement or flounce. Be prepared that your invitation to the wedding is either recinded or not forthcoming.

Work on your self confidence.

areyoutheregod · 22/03/2024 12:03

I think for 'friends' to be so lacking in understanding over finances is really mean, surely thats something people can understand? This expectation brides have for people to save enormous sums of money for their special flipping day is too much. How rude!

Mostlyoblivious · 22/03/2024 12:05

Their responses aren’t kind and as you ah e said they’ve added much more to the plans that you originally committed to then no, you’ve not had 9 months to save for this. Back out, if they’re like this now then it’ll be a rubbish environment when you’re there

areyoutheregod · 22/03/2024 12:07

"you've known about this for 9 months so you could've saved, please moan to the others and not me"

I just don't think this is an acceptable way for this bride to speak to people spending lots of money for her wedding. I wouldn't put up with it.

WaltzingWaters · 22/03/2024 12:10

tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 09:39

She's wanting £25 each (from everyone in the car) for a 45 minute journey. I actually live closer to the destination than they do, so I would have to go back on myself to get a lift with them. It's near where DH works so he would probably nip into the office after dropping me off.

What the?! £25 pp for a 45 min journey!! They’re taking the absolute piss.

They sound like awful people and I would just bow out of the hen do, the wedding, and the friendship. They sound childish, toxic, and downright rude.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 22/03/2024 12:40

Hadjab · 22/03/2024 11:51

I and three friends drive from London to Wales every year to stay at another friend's cottage. It costs approximately £150 for petrol there and back. We split the cost evenly, based on what we actually pay, not some arbitrary amount plucked from the air. I don't know what kind of car she has, but I know I don't use £25 worth of petrol driving for 45 minutes, and my car isn't small.

Show quote history

And the 25 is each person

therealcookiemonster · 22/03/2024 12:51

tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 08:11

@MiltonNorthern this is the bride. It's just a friend who wants the petrol money and in the chat they're saying no you're coming in the car with us and when I said if I just come with you and go back with DH can I pay less? Her response was "you wish"
The don't speak to me about it comment was from the bride, followed by "amen" and likes from the other hen party girls in the chat.

I don't use the word bitch lightly but there is no other way to describe these people

I would back out, block and go NC. and don't give them any more money unless you booked an accommodation that's non refundable. if you booked refundable accommodation/activity- cancel it

these people are not your friends. they are using you.

Pinkdelight3 · 22/03/2024 12:57

It's so common and understandable to agree to something before having a baby and then your whole world and perspective changing over the next few months. If they can't comprehend that - and many can't - then there's no point trying to reason with them, but you do have to be really clear. They're being clear in how shitty they're being to you, so be clear with yourself and with them. Say sorry you just can't afford it now all the extra costs are involved so you'll pay for what can't be refunded (e.g. hotel, though you should never have agreed to stay over - baby was the perfect excuse!) but you're not longer going. And if they say that you have to, just reply "you wish!".

Pipsquiggle · 22/03/2024 12:58

Leave the WhatsApp group

PM the bride stating you aren't going to the hen as you can't afford it as you've had a baby and aren't working ( I do think it's important to try to explain /educate people, so hopefully they can develop empathy)

If you want to, tell the bride you'll still attend the wedding unless she doesn't want you to (personally I would not go).

Have a lovely weekend with your DC & DH

diddl · 22/03/2024 13:01

It seems to have been handled really badly on both sides.

Sounds as if you agreed to stuff you didn't want (lift & staying in the hotel) and should have pulled out long ago.

Was it ever possible to go once your circumstances changed?

Edited for spelling.

MrsMoastyToasty · 22/03/2024 13:05

Life was so much simpler when I got married 30 years ago. DH went for a curry and a few beers with his mates while I went to an American diner and the local nightclub with mine.

Didimum · 22/03/2024 13:15

Another bride who thinks the world revolves around her. I really hate things like this and simply stopped attending hen dos at all by the time I was 30. Either the bride is a nightmare or her best buddy bridesmaids are trying to pawn the extravagant cost of their holiday onto a group of 20 women who aren't as close to her.

They are speaking to you dreadfully. No one speaks to an adult that way without consequences. I would either be very firm and tell them you are not a child and will be making your own way there, or simply don't go. Be warned, though, with people like this, if you flounce off (or even if you don't flounce) you may find yourself uninvited to the wedding.

LifeExperience · 22/03/2024 13:18

A real friend would understand that having a baby and being on maternity leave means that there is much less money to spend on frivolities. They all sound very self-centered and immature. I would get out of the group chat and message the bride and tell her you can't make it. Really, they are way over the top. I would reevaluate the entire friendship.

KeeeeeepDancing · 22/03/2024 13:21

Pipsquiggle · 22/03/2024 12:58

Leave the WhatsApp group

PM the bride stating you aren't going to the hen as you can't afford it as you've had a baby and aren't working ( I do think it's important to try to explain /educate people, so hopefully they can develop empathy)

If you want to, tell the bride you'll still attend the wedding unless she doesn't want you to (personally I would not go).

Have a lovely weekend with your DC & DH

Good advice

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 22/03/2024 13:26

tiredandtesting123 · 22/03/2024 08:11

@MiltonNorthern this is the bride. It's just a friend who wants the petrol money and in the chat they're saying no you're coming in the car with us and when I said if I just come with you and go back with DH can I pay less? Her response was "you wish"
The don't speak to me about it comment was from the bride, followed by "amen" and likes from the other hen party girls in the chat.

don’t go!! They sound horrible.

Is it possible you were invited because they needed a certain amount of people for an activity / to split the bill?

I usually wouldn’t want to intentionally consider this… But they sound incredibly money focused and rude!

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 22/03/2024 13:27

It sounds awful and if they were real friends they'd agree and understand your financial situation.

I would ring the bride or leave a voice note saying exactly what a pp said - that you can't go as you're on mat leave with no extra money, you haven't had the chance to save anything either.

Have you paid for any of the extras? all sounds a PITA to me

OriginalUsername2 · 22/03/2024 13:31

Once I had a baby I was done with this kind of drama.

Heronwatcher · 22/03/2024 13:31

I think stop asking, start telling!

Either don’t go at all (you might have to cover your cost of the room and anything else non-refundable), or just say

“Just to let you know I’ve had to fit a few more things in that weekend, so I will be arriving at x time to join you for x and y but I’ve got to arrive late/ leave at X time, so unfortunately I won’t be able to join you for a and b.”

Then either leave the WhatsApp if you’re not going, or if anyone starts trying to dictate what you do just copy and text them message or “jokily” refer back to it- “sounds fab to do diamond mining but unfortunately I’m not going to be there for that bit- enjoy and I’ll see you for the dinner xx”

Floatinginatincan · 22/03/2024 13:42

Well, none of us know these people & we can only go on the situation as you've presented it. But let's just look at it from the other side. Are you generally late for everything & a bit flakey on plans? I have someone like this in my friend group, and it's a little frustrating. If you have known about the hen for 9 months, why haven't you put anything aside & if you didn't have anything to put aside, why didn't you pull out earlier?. How do you known your being late won't matter?. There may be something planned as a surprise for the bride. The advice on mumsnet generally when there is an issue with a hen do is speak to the organizer, not the bride & that's what you friend is asking. If you don't want to go, tell them now so they can adjust their plans.

HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear · 22/03/2024 13:42

I'd pay not to be on a hen do with that lot.

"Given the increase in costs, the tightness of my budget (being on maternity leave), and the discomfort my concerns have caused, I've decided not to join you for the hen do.

As well as the deposit I've already paid, in happy to add another [tenner] to the pot out of goodwill. I hope you all have a lovely time, especially of course [Bride].

[Leave chat]

chaosmaker · 22/03/2024 13:44

Just don't go, @tiredandtesting123

Not worth the hassle, clearly.