DH and I have his daughter, my SD, up every weekend and half the holidays, with my son (from a previous relationship) who lives with us. This has been scheduled and occurring for 11 years fairly well. In the last 2 years SD has been a bit grumpy and miserable, which I put down to the beginning of teenagedom (she's now 14), then three months ago she told her Birth Mum she didn't want to come up to ours 'ever again'.
My DH and his ex/her Mum, argued over email - particularly when BM said 'the problem is your wife'. I have never had any issues with my SD apart from noticing how she is recently always moody celebrating anything but her own birthday and doesn't get enough attention from her Dad which I have encouraged him for years to do - plus the fact she doesn't like it that we have a few basic rules in our house, because that differs from BM's house with SD. I understand it's a schlep to ours too (we live 2 hours away) and she probably wants to hang with her friends more where she lives, esp now she's older.
BM has always made life difficult for us as she acts like the world owes her a favour. I was a single mum for 5 years so originally she had my support and I would rally around doing what I could to look after SD when she was 3 and upward but she (BM) was never happy.
My DH has never really made much of an effort with his daughter either, and blissfully dreams we are living a 'blended family' life. I have for years suggested he go down to where SD lives and look after her/hang out with her down there 121 away from us to give his Daughter 'quality father time' - and while I have been doing most of the parenting when she's up, I guess have become the 'bad guy' and don't like being so when it's not fair on SD or on me.
So I don't really care about his ex blaming me for being 'the problem' as I think both BM and DH have neglected SD who has often complained that her mum leaves her upstairs for hours (since she was 10) alone with her ipad while BM watches TV downstairs without her.
I can easily see how our slightly more attentive/more inclusive household is something that would p**s off a SD who isn't used to much attention or rules, and by rules I mean, coming out for a dog walk once a weekend, keeping her room tidy by making her bed and putting her dirty clothes in her wash bin and hanging up her wet towels after a shower - all stuff that my son and my SD have been asked to do since they were 8 and 9 respectively, so for the last 5-6 years.
We/I have spent years and years creating a warm, fun, safe family environment with lots of trips and holidays, cinema, theatre, galleries, swimming lessons, water parks, country hotels with activities, holiday clubs, family time, cooking, drama classes, cycling lessons when young, trips to see extended family, summers abroad, take aways, meals out, sleepovers with friends, parties, clothes, hair & nails treats and beauty time, bedrooms redecorated every 2 years, boardgames, books, bedtime stories and games (when younger), alone time, film nights, sports, dancing classes, gymnastics, flip out, go karting, soft play, Father Christmas visits, zoos, parks, seaside trips in UK, and let them have a decent amount of private screen time alone/with their friends (like more than 5 hours a weekend day).
DH and SD's BM are still arguing, but now BM has gone to a lawyer and said she's 'being instructed by her daughter for her mental health' and that she doesn't want to come up and now doesn't ever want to see DH again. He has gone to mediation and a lawyer himself. The BM says now SD is 14 she can do what she likes and ‘for the sake of her mental health’ DH must not contact her to talk to her to try to change her mind, let alone him come down or SD come up again. I am not sure there’s a court or law in the land that would tell a child she must not communicate with her dad where for 11 years it has been a close relationship - unless something awful has occurred, like abuse or something, which isn’t the case here.
DH and BM have joint mediation arranged and I have said to DH that he might have to accept that all he can offer/expect is to have occasional/less frequent time with his Daughter now she’s older - and that he should take the time to spend time down there where she lives, rather than up here, and spend it alone with her 1-2-1 - especially as now the BM is all fired up and seemingly not encouraging SD to visit us/attempting to alienate him by telling daughter not to speak or text or FaceTime him. I also said she'd probably come around (mentally speaking) in a while, give her some time and minimise all contact with the BM.
I am happy to stay out of it right now as I haven’t enjoyed being a step mum at all, and feel under supported for years by my DH, and I am TIRED.
I guess I’m just wondering is it too soon to clear out SD’s bedroom, and turn it into a gym then f* off on holiday without them all?