How to move on... from newly estranged step-daughter drama

[Time4GinAgain]

DH and I have his daughter, my SD, up every weekend and half the holidays, with my son (from a previous relationship) who lives with us. This has been scheduled and occurring for 11 years fairly well. In the last 2 years SD has been a bit grumpy and miserable, which I put down to the beginning of teenagedom (she's now 14), then three months ago she told her Birth Mum she didn't want to come up to ours 'ever again'.

My DH and his ex/her Mum, argued over email - particularly when BM said 'the problem is your wife'. I have never had any issues with my SD apart from noticing how she is recently always moody celebrating anything but her own birthday and doesn't get enough attention from her Dad which I have encouraged him for years to do - plus the fact she doesn't like it that we have a few basic rules in our house, because that differs from BM's house with SD. I understand it's a schlep to ours too (we live 2 hours away) and she probably wants to hang with her friends more where she lives, esp now she's older.

BM has always made life difficult for us as she acts like the world owes her a favour. I was a single mum for 5 years so originally she had my support and I would rally around doing what I could to look after SD when she was 3 and upward but she (BM) was never happy.

My DH has never really made much of an effort with his daughter either, and blissfully dreams we are living a 'blended family' life. I have for years suggested he go down to where SD lives and look after her/hang out with her down there 121 away from us to give his Daughter 'quality father time' - and while I have been doing most of the parenting when she's up, I guess have become the 'bad guy' and don't like being so when it's not fair on SD or on me.

So I don't really care about his ex blaming me for being 'the problem' as I think both BM and DH have neglected SD who has often complained that her mum leaves her upstairs for hours (since she was 10) alone with her ipad while BM watches TV downstairs without her.

I can easily see how our slightly more attentive/more inclusive household is something that would p**s off a SD who isn't used to much attention or rules, and by rules I mean, coming out for a dog walk once a weekend, keeping her room tidy by making her bed and putting her dirty clothes in her wash bin and hanging up her wet towels after a shower - all stuff that my son and my SD have been asked to do since they were 8 and 9 respectively, so for the last 5-6 years.

We/I have spent years and years creating a warm, fun, safe family environment with lots of trips and holidays, cinema, theatre, galleries, swimming lessons, water parks, country hotels with activities, holiday clubs, family time, cooking, drama classes, cycling lessons when young, trips to see extended family, summers abroad, take aways, meals out, sleepovers with friends, parties, clothes, hair & nails treats and beauty time, bedrooms redecorated every 2 years, boardgames, books, bedtime stories and games (when younger), alone time, film nights, sports, dancing classes, gymnastics, flip out, go karting, soft play, Father Christmas visits, zoos, parks, seaside trips in UK, and let them have a decent amount of private screen time alone/with their friends (like more than 5 hours a weekend day).

DH and SD's BM are still arguing, but now BM has gone to a lawyer and said she's 'being instructed by her daughter for her mental health' and that she doesn't want to come up and now doesn't ever want to see DH again. He has gone to mediation and a lawyer himself. The BM says now SD is 14 she can do what she likes and ‘for the sake of her mental health’ DH must not contact her to talk to her to try to change her mind, let alone him come down or SD come up again. I am not sure there’s a court or law in the land that would tell a child she must not communicate with her dad where for 11 years it has been a close relationship - unless something awful has occurred, like abuse or something, which isn’t the case here.

DH and BM have joint mediation arranged and I have said to DH that he might have to accept that all he can offer/expect is to have occasional/less frequent time with his Daughter now she’s older - and that he should take the time to spend time down there where she lives, rather than up here, and spend it alone with her 1-2-1 - especially as now the BM is all fired up and seemingly not encouraging SD to visit us/attempting to alienate him by telling daughter not to speak or text or FaceTime him. I also said she'd probably come around (mentally speaking) in a while, give her some time and minimise all contact with the BM.

I am happy to stay out of it right now as I haven’t enjoyed being a step mum at all, and feel under supported for years by my DH, and I am TIRED.

I guess I’m just wondering is it too soon to clear out SD’s bedroom, and turn it into a gym then f* off on holiday without them all?

Precisely this:
She may find it easier to say she wants no contact than to say she wants less contact. I wonder if she was anxious about facing you all or negotiating for the latter. It all sounds a bit sudden.

Son and SD used to get on really well, but he's sad and resigned to it - and has a busy life so seems okay right now, but we talk as often as he needs, if he needs.

A judge would side with what sd wanted- even if it was zero contact with dad.

I think that his hands off attitude is biting him in the arse now. I can see why she might prefer to stay at home so she can see friends etc rather than travel 2 hours to see a man who isn’t that bothered about her.

Of course this isn’t your fault but you don’t know what sd is telling her mum or how she sees the situation. She might have wrongly jumped to the conclusion that you are alienating her dad because kids are programmed to forgive their parents even when they behave unreasonably and blaming you is easier than accepting that her dad is shit and would still be shit even if he wasn’t with you.

In an ideal world, mum and dad would have sat down with sd and discussed how contact should change as she got older. I have a teen with my ex and while his dad is welcome to half the holidays, the reality is that my ex has our son based on son’s social life because he remembers what it was like to be a teen and how important friends are. So last half term ds had 10 days (inset day at the beginning) and his dad had 3 days when ds knew that there wasn’t anything going on. FOMO is a big problem for modern teens thanks to social media. Weekend contact has gone from every other weekend to once every 3-4 weeks now which is realistic and works around ds’ needs. I think that this has helped make contact time positive for ds.

If sd is having a tantrum/sulking then I would wait to see how her birthday and Christmas pan out. I have an older child who is nc with my ex and was happy to receive no gifts or contact for special occasions.

Whatever happens you should detach. Not your problem and as you can see, sd can see through the charade and knows that her dad doesn’t really care. Very sad and understandable.

I'm a birth mum and don't understand what the problem is saying BM - apart from I first read it as bowel movement 🤷‍♀️😆. There are bigger fish to fry here I think.

Sounds to me like you've made alot of effort over the years but you admit that husband is pretty rubbish. The problem here , to me, lies with dad being so crap. It's totally unfair for so much responsibility to sit on SMums shoulders. It's a recipe for resentment. What more can you possibly do if her dad is just so disengaged. I'd find that so awful to watch in a partner, but I will be thinking about my own childhood experiences and that's why for me, I'd find it difficult to tolerate. He should be the one doing everything he can to sort this out

Ok, but I can go on holiday and spend the f**king huge amount of money we paid to the Birth Mother every month for the last 11 years, right?

So her dad pissed off 2 hour away and expected her to do all the running around and doesn't engage properly with her. I'm not surpised she doesn't want to know him. Did he move away for you op?

Yeah. It does speak to my low-self-esteem actually (as to why I accepted his shitness). I guess that home gym or holiday won't really fill that gap either?

The more you post it's very evident why your step daughter doesn't like you,making fun at some poor girls expense digesting behaviour.

Is he over 11?

If so can they call/message each other without the sets of parents being involved?

I had to encourage my younger relations that they should have relationships with each other without involving the "adults". As some are now young adults it is now extended to them taking my DD out without me. 😀

On the one hand, OP, it sounds as if you have put a lot of work into caring for and trying to build a relationship with DSD and as though DH really hasn’t done much parenting. On the other hand, are you really going to turn her room into something for yourself when she hasn’t been gone five minutes? Sure, let’s make her feel even less wanted and cared about!

So not only does he not really give a fuck he moved away on purpose. His a poor excuse for a father tbh.

yes, but we had a 2 year 'hand over' type thing where we lived down there for the weekends and eventually moved back 'up here'. But I hear you. I wish he had listened to me earlier, like 10 years earlier...

My advice would be to get divorced and put a home gym in your new house

I mean, if it isn't clear by now, I am making light of the situation because I don't really know what I can do. It's horrible seeing her empty (of her) room and her things, and memories and no fun planned for her for the immediate future. I hate it. My husband is depressed (perhaps too little, too late and all about him of course). I'm not going to turn the room into a gym. I am going to get away for a bit and feel shit.

I think whoever it was upthread (sorry, can't find it) who suggested once an month and he makes the effort to go to her is spot on. This may be more appealing and doable, as and when she comes round, but again, it is predicated on him making that effort.

You don't sound horrid to me, OP, you sound as if you're trying to make light of a situation that is actually rather hurtful to you and I get that.

ETA Cross posted!

What did you tell him 10 years ago which he didn’t listen to?

Why would you want to be with someone who is a shit parent?

I'm not sure her digesting was the issue. I mean, I'm clearly a terrible person but I didn't make fun of her digesting behaviour. I think it's kind of vital to digest.

Methinks the OP doth protest too much...

There's a big problem here OP, and you seem to be married to it yet simultaneously determined to pretend that it isn't a problem.
Your OP is so contrary, can you really not see that a man who moves away from his child then doesn't bother parenting her isn't a great dad?
You obviously tried very hard but the poor kid wasn't coming to see you or be parented by you so why the fuck should she bother anymore?

I don't understand why you don't divorce. Can you explain how this awful man enhances.you and your childs life? What's the point of the marriage?

This is also my advice - get rid of the waste of space dad.

No wonder her mum is bitter having had no weekend time with her daughter all through primary school. Your SD must have missed out on weekend clubs with friends and parties too

You can never tell with teens. It might be set or it might be a storm in a teacup and she'll be back in touch before too long. Even if that is the case she is unlikely to see you so often - but then that's the case with all teens and their parents that they grow apart sometimes gently and sometimes with massive rows ( except during COVID but that has led to anxiety etc)

@Halfemptyhalfling the OP says that was a typo and it's been EOW.

Good for you. My dad took drugs around me. Had 5 kids with 4 different women that he never paid a penny for. One of those kids ended up in care, poor girl. He adds nothing to my life and would be a terrible influence on my DS.

It's not your fault OP but quite honestly the problem is your DH.

Disgusting behaviour you should be ashamed of yourself taking the piss out of a girl on the Internet and making light of her personal struggles over her lack of relationship with her dad.